If you’re tired of being told to just let go of things that bother you—but you don’t know how—you will love this book! Using this brief, step-by-step guide, discover three little-known, magical sentences to effortlessly release anxiety and toxic stress in just minutes and reclaim the joy in your life. The revolutionary new technique revealed in Letting It Go: Relieve Anxiety and Toxic Stress in Just a Few Minutes Using Only Words (Rapid Relief with Logosynthesis®) shows you how to actually let go of whatever is bothering you—easily, effectively and often permanently. In an ever-faster moving world, people often feel like their lives are falling apart. They secretly worry that not being able to keep up means there is something wrong with them. This reassuring, easily understood explanation of complicated psychological information reveals how normal it is to feel this way—how everyone’s energy naturally gets stuck in the process of growing up and learning to manage the world. The challenge of letting go of that old, stuck energy becomes manageable. You are hugely relieved as you discover you can easily learn and apply this process yourself—either privately or with a learning partner. Then you experience the freedom that comes from effortlessly managing previously distressing situations and even forget to worry about things you used to obsess about. This leads to reclaiming the life energy and the joy you long for.
Most people are awed when they first experience the power of the 3 Logosynthesis sentences. My husband and I recently presented an introduction to this method to a group of about 30 professional psychotherapists and coaches. When they asked to see a demonstration one experienced therapist volunteered to see if she could relieve her anxiety about a presentation she was making later in the day. After a few questions it became clear that her feeling of anxiety was triggered by a picture she had imagined of people ridiculing her. We used that image as the focus of the sentences. After repeating the first sentence, retrieving her energy from this image, energy started moving through her body and she began to shake. Participants were startled by how quickly the energy started to move. When she returned the energy she had acquired from others, her breathing calmed, By the time she had repeated the third sentence, retrieving her reactions to this imagined image of being ridiculed when she spoke, she was relaxed and smiling. Later in the day she delivered a wonderful presentation without any hint of anxiety. She was thrilled and so were we. Do try it for yourself. The book is readily available in ebook, print and audio formats. Get your copy now and start right away.
Do you keep reliving bad experiences and wish you could just stop? Or maybe other people are sick of hearing your stories of how mean your (ex) best friend was to you or how your boss yells at you. Sometimes those memories come up at the most inopportune times and even stop you from going places you used to enjoy. There are lots of reasons you hold on to things like that. The most important one is that a part of your brain is built to protect you from repeating disasters. Lots of things in your everyday life trigger reminders of past disasters to keep you alert to the faintest possibility of having them happen again. Another reason is that you are always trying to complete things and many of these incidents are incomplete. You never got to say how angry you were. You were never comforted. Your boss never apologized. A part of you holds on to the belief or fantasy that you need to remember those incidents in order to complete them. Now you can actually let go of these memories with 3 simple sentences. Get your copy of this book and learn how now.
Have you ever been hurt and spent a long time afterwards reminding all your friends and acquaintances how miserable you felt? You all suffered about it and maybe you still do. The first time I heard about the concept that Suffering is Optional, I did not believe that it could possibly be true. Then I learned the difference between pain, which is all too real, and the option to not make it worse than it is and to choose to do something else instead. I learned that if I kept replaying the memory of a former good friend treating me badly, I suffered. However, if I read a good book instead of replaying the memory, I felt much better. Sometimes I would remember, and the pain came back, but generally, I could control the situation. Then I learned Logosynthesis and with 3 simple sentences, I drained all my energy out of the memory, and could remember what happened without any pain at all. Then, suffering truly became optional. Now, if I keep thinking about any hurt, I use the process and get on with other things. All the instructions you need to do the same are in this book. So, if you would like to make suffering optional for yourself, get your copy and get started right now.
Sometimes you experience a moment that changes the direction of your life. It happened to me in 2010. 9 years have passed since I first experienced the power of words to dissolve a long-standing problem in just a few minutes. At that time, I was planning to retire, but I was so intrigued I wanted to learn more. The more I learned, the more I discovered how using this new tool could build on a 40-year career of practicing psychotherapy to allow me to help relieve pain faster than ever before. Several years into this process, I realized that many more ordinary, non-professional people could use this tool to help themselves. And for many problems, they did not even need to work with a therapist. All they needed was access to the tool. When Dr. Willem Lammers, developer of Logosynthesis, suggested I write this book to make it easy for anyone to learn this simple, powerful process, I eagerly accepted the challenge. The experience of my readers attests to my success. If you have not yet tried Logosynthesis for yourself, I urge you to get your copy of this book today. It's a tool that really works.
John Bradshaw defined shame as the conviction that you--your very existence is a mistake. He once told me that his book, "Healing the Shame that Binds You" was the one that sold the most copies. Shame may be a natural reaction to being interrupted when you are doing something that is pleasurable. For example, a preschooler used his mother's lipstick to draw pictures on walls. She yelled and scared him, he couldn't manage it and reacted by feeling shame and freezing energy when nobody consoled him. The Logosynthesis sentences and processes in this book will help you release that frozen energy. Toxic shame is something else. When you are told over and over again that you are bad, useless, a slut or worse by someone who has power over you--like an alcoholic parent in a rage--you certainly don't have the resources to protect yourself. You might try to manage by pretending to be somewhere else--or that you are a rock--or trying to be good so the barrage will stop. That may stop the immediate pain, but it never goes away. It stays hidden but it takes life energy to keep a lid on the hurt. In this case, a Logosynthesis Practitioner can help you carefully release this recurrent trauma.
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I have found it very easy to make up stories about how people don't like me. I recognize and dismiss those stories quickly these days but before Logosynthesis, it was difficult to do. I think it started the summer after 6th grade. I was invited to be in a club which I loved. After summer vacation, I was told that the club had disbanded. Later I learned that the same girls had formed a new club just like the last one, only this time I wasn't invited. At the time, I was devastated. The story I told myself was that they didn't like me because I was defective in some way. Nobody told me that this is just what girls this age typically do to each other or that I there might be a different explanation. When something similar happened to our daughter, my husband and I helped her create a different kind of story. We talked about how she was trying to be someone she wasn't in order to please those girls and suggested she find girls more like herself. She did and as far as I know, had no residual problems. If you have stories that still trouble you, learning to use the special Logosynthesis sentences will help you reclaim your energy to create better stories for yourself.
Have you ever been caught in a phone tree for way too long? Once the problem gets solved, do you feel happy and relieved, or are you still angry because of the time you were forced to spend waiting? Judging from the stories I hear in casual conversation; most people find the left-over anger doesn't just go away. They are angry because they still feel like helpless victims of another person's incompetence. There is no satisfactory ending and it is hard to let go and move on. Is that how you feel? If we examine the behind this persistent anger, it's usually something like, "It shouldn't be this way!" As long as you hold on to that belief, you keep on feeling angry. When you find a way to release the belief, the anger evaporates. If you say the three Logosynthesis sentences to reclaim your energy from this belief, chances are very good that it will evaporate. The target you should use is "This belief that the world should be different." Before you say the sentences, remember details of what the worst part of your wait was like. After you say the sentences, go back to your memory and notice what has changed. You'll find complete details in this book. Get your copy now.
Who is your Self anyway? I like to think of my Self as core part of me that is a part of and somewhat separated from Essence or All That Is or Universal Energy or Oneness. Pretty confusing to talk about. One way I think of the part of and separate from is likening it to my fingers and my hand. My fingers are distinct and yet they are an integral part of my hand. A spiritual practice I learned over 30 years ago is writing a daily journal to my Self to learn to connect with and use my inner wisdom. I address my Self as Friend and start each entry ‘Dear Friend...’ I write of things that I am trying to understand or make decisions about. I sign each letter, "Love, Laurie." Then I pause, wait and write a brief response using the following form. ‘Dear friend...’ and sign the letter ‘your Friend.’ I have no idea if this practice would be as valuable to you as it has been to me, but I invite you to try it. I know that over the years, listening and doing things that are congruent with my Self, rather than letting ego steer my decisions, has definitely helped me stay aware of my own connection to Essence.
Your target in Logosynthesis is the thing you experience just before you feel anxious or upset in some other way. It is the place where you froze some of your energy because you didn't have the resources to manage that experience sometime in the past. Your target is also the identification of that memory, often of an event, but sometimes of a smell or sound or picture that is the most uncomfortable thing about some event, put into words. Those are the words you insert into the 3 "magic" sentences that make all the difference. It is saying these sentences, complete with target, that allows you to reclaim your energy so you can use it in your life now. When you do this process, something changes in amazing ways. You can usually remember the experience that used to cause you distress and feel completely calm about the whole thing. I did not believe this was possible until I tried it myself. (Actually, someone helped me the first time.) If you are skeptical like me, I suggest you experiment and enjoy this amazing experience of freedom.
Trauma, that you may think was resolved long ago, can still have a surprising impact on your life today. There was a clear demonstration of that problem with a couple I saw recently. They were having "communication problems." That phrase is in quotes because most couples I have seen throughout my career consider that the reason they come to counseling. For more information about relationships, check my other books. Back to this couple. After 30 years together she was startled to discover that the reason she withdrew from a conversation came from mistreatment in 2 earlier marriages. He wanted desperately to discuss solving various day to day problems and she enjoyed those conversations when they managed to have them. But often, she felt disrespected by his responses to her ideas. Actually, he liked her ideas and challenged them to examine them more closely. She thought he was sending a message that she was stupid, so she withdrew. Why this thought??? Two previous husbands had abused her in different ways, but both had frequently told her that she was stupid. Now, any hint of disagreement led to her own interpretation that she was stupid. We created a target focusing on previous abuse. She felt better and he agreed to monitor himself and first say, “let’s discuss this.”
I love the quote from Brene Brown. I love it because I know that it can be very scary to go back and remember some past experiences. I also know how helpful it can be to do so. It's especially helpful at the times you are startled by your own strong reaction to something. Once, years ago when I was much younger and much more flexible than I am now, I had a strange experience in a yoga class. The teacher instructed us to come out of one pose by doing a somersault. I hesitated, and after some encouragement, I did the move and immediately started crying hysterically. Certainly, a strange, strong reaction! When I explored the reaction later, during a therapy training session, I discovered that I had frozen feelings from a pretty mild childhood trauma. My father had lost his grip on me in the surf and I had momentarily been submerged and tumbled. It probably lasted no more than a few seconds. Apparently I had been brave and stifled the reaction that poured out so many years later. Knowing solved the mystery but not the problem. I still hated to be upside down. Now it would be simple to use the Logosynthesis words to free that energy and heal the trauma.
I recently had the opportunity to explore many wonders of science and technology. I was awed when I was privileged to see a machine that is used for preparing a cancer patients blood for a stem cell transplant. I certainly have no understanding of the technology that went into creating such a wonder. Yet I know people's lives have been extended because they trusted this process. I know that the creation of this machine did not occur spontaneously. It was built in small increments upon previously available technology. An example of this is the centrifuges that have been available for a very long time. I used them in my first lab assistant career right after I graduated from college over 50 years ago. The principle remains the same but the refinements and technology are amazing. Logosynthesis was not developed in a vacuum. Although the intuitive awareness of Dr. Willem Lammers brought the process to us, his intuition arose after many years of studying many different ways of supporting individual growth and change. I am grateful that I have the opportunity to share this development with all of you.
A reader recently asked me to help her find a target for the 3 'magic' Logosynthesis sentences. As we talked about different buttons that triggered her distress. She had lots of stories to share. Nothing particularly stressful had happened to her and yet she was feeling some intense responses to incidents that she considered pretty minor. As I listened closely to understand what all those incidents might have in common, I heard her refer to a fundamental belief about how the world worked. I don't have permission to share her fundamental belief but a sample of other beliefs might be: Everyone is my friend. If I do what is right, everything will be okay. The man should be in charge of his family. People are not to be trusted. I am not enough. There are many others--most of them not particularly logical. With this reader/client, she inserted "this belief that..." into the sentences. When I asked her about her experience, she looked a bit stunned, said "I guess it's not always true," and began to sob. Giving up a cherished belief caused grief, and, it opened the possibility of change that has the potential for much greater happiness.
You have an opportunity to freeze energy almost every day of your life. It takes attention to manage your life and research has shown that the amount of attention we have available over a period of time is actually limited. It can be renewed by rest, meditation, time in nature, etc, but it's like only having a certain amount of money to spend each day. When it's used up, you need to figure out ways to manage without it. Giving something your attention is a way of using your available energy. Once your supply is getting low, you have less energy to respond to demands on your time and you react emotionally instead. You know those reactions are likely to get you into trouble at work or with another person, so you just quickly bury the whole messy business and go on to something else. That’s how you freeze energy. If you do this often enough, it will probably lead to problems later. Things like exhaustion and burn out are some common results. Taking time to reclaim that frozen energy using the Logosynthesis sentences can keep the problems from building up. You'll know when you need to do this when those negative experiences resurface and get stuck in your mind. Take time to let them go!
Do you feel anxious about something that hasn't happened and probably never will? You're not alone. When you were around 4 or 5 years old you learned to make up stories to explain the complicated world to yourself. Sometimes those stories were scary, like monsters under the bed. You could use stories like that to keep you from following your impulses to do things you 'knew' or imagined would get you in trouble--like getting out of bed and playing with your toys. Sometimes you froze your energy around those stories into beliefs about who you are and what you deserve in the world. That frozen energy can be released using the 3 Logosynthesis sentences. When you feel anxious about something that might happen you have created a scary story that may or may not have something to do with reality. You react to your stories just as if they were real because that is the way people work. It does not mean there is anything wrong with you--it just means you are trying to explain your reaction to something. You can use the sentences here too. Use them to take your energy out of the story you are telling yourself and free it to have available to use to do whatever you want or need to do.
This week I have had sessions with two very different clients who had been practicing Logosynthesis after reading this book. Each of them contacted me for a similar reason, they are each facing anxiety about an important current challenge that is rooted in the past and that neither of them could seem to change by themselves. They each explained how they believed that a (very different) traumatic incident in the past was related to the current challenge. In each case, they were not sure what to target because the past incident was complicated. My work with each of them involved uncovering the parts of the incidents that had caused them each the most pain and working with that frozen energy. Each time we used the sentences about a certain part of the original trauma, the amount of distress they experienced diminished just slightly. And each time a new memory or image would emerge as a new target. Eventually, in each case, the distress disappeared and they each felt ready to address the new challenges in their lives. Sometimes this work is simple, but sometimes it can be quite complex. Don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it. Like these clients, your relief can be much closer than you imagine.
I was recently talking about teenagers who are currently rebelling against schoolwork with several of my friends. Truly a frustrating situation for parents and grandparents and anyone who cares about the kids and how what they are doing now will impact their lives in the future. Looking back on successful and productive lives, we started reminiscing about our own, very varied, experiences as teens. We ranged from one with an unrecognized learning disability whom everyone, including himself, thought was stupid, to me who was a college bound honor student. Through various routes, we had all arrived safely at that day. And we all had baggage, frozen energy, related to those early experiences. We had all told ourselves stories about what we believed it was necessary for us to do because of our situations. My friend had a story about needing to be sneaky and hide his learning problems from others. I had a story about always needing to do my best which led to exhaustion and guilt, depending on the situation. Our conclusion was that whatever happens, no matter how well intended, we were all entirely capable of putting a spin on it that was, perhaps, temporarily useful in the short term, but froze energy that needed to be reclaimed later.
"I don't want to...!" "Nobody can make me...!" "I'll do it when I am damn good and ready!" A very useful set of phrases for finding out why I (or anyone else) is procrastinating. I don't want to make that phone call! I really don't! I hate telephone trees and waiting and listening to loud, obnoxious music while someone lies to me about how important I am to them. I know I need the information I might get if I wait long enough and I have it on my list and I do have time--I just keep forgetting! Nobody can make me make the phone call. I acknowledge my own power. I am in charge. My energy might be stuck or frozen in a past experience of waiting. I can use the Logosynthesis sentences to free my frozen energy. I acknowledge that I will do it--eventually--when certain conditions are met. Once those conditions of being damn good and ready have been met, I will make the call. Or maybe I will find another way to get the information I need. Sometimes all I need to do to release my energy is acknowledge my ambivalence. Sometimes I need more. Try this and see how the process works for you.
Years ago, my yoga instructor insisted that I was strong enough to do a somersault. I was, but the instant I was upside down, I started to cry hysterically. I had absolutely no idea why! Clearly a mysterious overreaction. What I did know is that I had avoided being upside down for as long as I could remember. Exploring this in a psychotherapy group I found myself remembering an experience from very early in my life when I was accidentally tumbled in the surf. That incident probably lasted a few seconds until I was rescued, but it clearly overwhelmed my resources to cope with or explain my terror. I froze the energy and to avoid activating it, avoided similar physical experiences. When you find yourself overreacting to an otherwise ordinary situation, it's probably because of frozen energy from somewhere in your past. Using the incident that preceded the overreaction as a target for the Logosynthesis sentences will help you reclaim your frozen energy. I often find that when the sentences are used, some of the resulting images and memories are of a past incident where you did not have the resources to cope with a difficult situation. Using the sentences with that target usually resolves the problem so you are no longer triggered by similar situations in the present.
What are you waiting for? We all make excuses for not trying something new, different and perhaps, a little uncomfortable. I am not leaving myself out of this. It is a favorite strategy of mine. I get all ready to do something but keep finding reasons to wait. Circumstances are not quite perfect. I don't have the exact right problem to use this on. For me, now, it's about making short videos. I will get past this and you can too. Once a friend and I spent months passing a "Just do it!" button back and forth. We were each doing a major project--mine was my PhD dissertation. Both projects were hard. We supported each other until the projects were complete--and she gave the button to someone else who needed it. So, what kind of support do you need to make the small investment in yourself of learning to let go of stress by using the Logosynthesis sentences? In the final chapter of this book, excerpted here, I offer tips to help you get started. No, you can't predict what will happen. Neither can I. But whatever you are facing is probably a memory of something you have already survived. If you run into trouble, contact me directly. I will help.
You made up stories just like Emily's. It is almost impossible to release the effects of stories like this until you discover what they are. Almost anything can trigger the memory. Distress can lead you to it, like it did Emily or you can stumble on it in different ways. I did when I tried to release another issue. Like many of my readers, I strongly believe that because I am so blessed it is my responsibility to share my blessings by helping fix problems in the world. As my energy diminishes with age, I simply can no longer help by doing some things I used to do. I used the sentences to let go of a nagging guilt and was surprised by this memory: I was sobbing very quietly, under the covers because I had been told that one of my best friends was in the hospital with polio. I was about 8 and I knew my parents were worried and I didn't know what to do. The story I told myself was about being responsible for helping. I needed help to learn to manage being sand and helpless. I didn't ask, didn't get it and froze my energy instead. I wasn't responsible then and I am not responsible now for fixing things that are beyond my control.
Stress can overwhelm you at any time in your life. But when you recognize it when it is happening, you can avoid freezing your energy to contain your pain. I was reminded of this recently when a family member became gravely ill. Of course, I felt my own personal stress, but the overwhelming stress came from my need and ability to support other family members who were more directly impacted by the situation. I thoroughly depleted my energy when I gave them the help they needed. At other times in my life I might have been stoic and buried my own pain so that I could be there for others. I could have kept functioning but frozen my energy. However, understanding the process of the damage frozen energy can inflict I did something different. Since my resources were depleted, I called on my good friends who knew nothing about the situation and asked for their emotional (energetic) support. I am blessed with friends who are loving and caring and were more than happy to listen and offer me what I needed--and offer prayers for the ill family member as well. Fortunately, our worst fears were not realized. He has recovered sufficiently to be with us a while longer. And I am left with gratitude instead of frozen energy.
The very first book I wrote was eventually published under the name, "I Don't Need Therapy but Where Do I Turn For Answers?" My company is Empowerment Systems. The theme of my professional life has been to help people to help themselves whenever possible. That is why I wrote this book. The Logosynthesis tool can be an amazingly powerful way to start to take charge of your own emotional life. In my experience, learning to use any new tool can be a challenge. That is why I worked to make this book as easy to use as possible. However, you need to practice using any almost tool before you can use it comfortably. In the last chapter I offer a list of tips that will make it easier to learn to make this tool a part of your life. Use the tool! Use the tips! Create a more peaceful and joyful life for yourself. (And, of course, you don't always need to do it yourself. If you need help, a link to a list of Certified Logosynthesis Practitioners is included in the book.)
A very long time ago, I was given an assignment to do while I participated in a yearlong training program. Every morning I was to write a letter to my true Self. Then wait to listen for the answer and write that answer as a letter from my true Self back to me. Over 30 years later, I am still doing this. The I and me are the self I usually live with. It is the self that lives inside my own skin. Over the years I have said lots about my frustrations and feelings. My true Self is the part that goes beyond my skin and connects with the love and wisdom of the universe. In my letters that begin DEAR FRIEND, I do my best to tell my story which often includes where my energy is obviously stuck. The answers I get are often just a few words long and remind me of how to stay focused on the most important aspects of my world. They are signed, YOUR FRIEND. Since I learned to use Logosynthesis, the energy release and reclamation system I teach in this book, as I write, I notice the stuck places and include a note that I will use the process to release the energy. My FRIEND writes back to affirm my decision.
When I was 9 years old I remember being reduced to tears by an argument with my grandmother about how to dry a glass. She wanted to show me a new and easier way but it was different and hard for me to manage. I still like to feel competent. When I start something new, or something I have not done for a long time, I feel awkward. When I feel awkward I am readily distracted. Sometimes I even manage to forget that I was trying something new and go right back to doing whatever I was doing before. When I was learning to use Logosynthesis to recover my energy from the various places it was stuck, I was definitely awkward. My targets weren't right. I got the sentences mixed up. I started doing other things after I had said one sentence and never got back to the next sentence, and most of all, I completely forgot about my new tool when it would have been very helpful to use it. I needed to be reminded. Like other tools, this one only works if you remember to practice enough to feel competent when you use it, and then use it to resolve your own stuck energy often known as anxiety and stress.
I am in the process of completing a really big project. I am working on republishing much of my earlier work as a series called Secrets of Happy Relationships. One morning the "end of project self-talk" came on full blast, before I was even completely awake. The chatter included, "The competition in this field is huge. Who do you think needs this anyway? This won't work. It's not your usual kind of series...." and much more that I don't want to share because you might believe it and none of it is true. Fortunately, I quickly noticed the pattern. It is common and sometimes associated with "Fear of Success." I have been through it before as have many of my author friends. Its just a story we tell ourselves in response to the stress of consciously and carefully completing our work. This time I managed it with Logosynthesis. I said the sentences and the energy in the story dissipated immediately. If I had believed the story, I could have used it as justification to delay the release of the project until I had reviewed it one more time--or maybe worse. It's easy to believe stories like this but I urge you to consider using these tools and just letting them go. Just remember, don't believe everything you think."
Are there times when you feel yourself just dragging? Have you noticed how differently you feel when you are excited and energetic? Would you like to have that energy available whenever you want it? I don't know about you, but I often feel draggy about doing things I should do. I may even want to do them, but something holds me back. When I examine what that something is, I often discover that, sometime in my past, I had a difficult time managing a similar situation. I used to lose my energy when I needed to ask someone for a favor. Exploring, I discovered that in the past I was told it was not polite to ask—that I was supposed to wait until something was offered. I have seen children in the grocery store learning a similar lesson. A busy mom, frustrated by a child asking for everything she sees, snaps "Stop begging or you won't get anything." If mom carries out her threat, the child freezes the asking energy. Years later, the energy is still frozen. Letting It Go contains a blueprint for discovering where you froze your energy and how to release it using only three simple sentences. If this is one of your challenges, read the book to find a way to reclaim the energy your frozen energy.
Would you accept the advice of a 4-year-old about how you ought to life your life now? I doubt that you would consciously choose to do that, but you may be doing it anyhow. Melissa learned that she was allowing the 4-year-old she had once been to influence her life. When she was 4 her mother became seriously ill and Melissa was told she needed to be quiet and not bother her mother. She did the best she could, but the day she lost control of herself and screamed about wanting a special toy. That day her mother was hospitalized and disappeared from Melissa’s life for many weeks. Melissa concluded that by wanting something for herself she had made her mother sicker. To try to protect herself she decided that wanting things was dangerous. She did her best to never want anything again. She essentially froze her 'wanting energy.' As an adult woman she lived a life of serving others and never asked for anything for herself, unknowingly following the advice of her 4-year-old self. It wasn't until she learned to use Logosynthesis to reclaim her frozen 'wanting energy', that she was able to again realize that she was worthy of wanting things for herself instead of just caring for others.
Most processes of guided self-change like coaching, cognitive behavior therapy and many self-help books are about learning to control your behavior. You are encouraged to choose goals and behave in ways to help you achieve your goals. If you’re not doing the right thing, you’re supposed to change that behavior and do something that is more effective in helping you move in your chosen direction. This is very useful when it works, but unfortunately, most of the time it only works for a short time. That's because it addresses only one small part of who you really are. Your logical self. The larger part of who you are consists of your emotional self. Some systems call that part the elephant while your logical side is the rider. It is a great analogy showing the different power of each part. It is hard to move an elephant in a direction the elephant does not want to go!!! So how can we help the elephant change its mind and want something different? That’s where Logosynthesis, the process taught in this book comes in. There is a core Self to each one of us that knows what we need. Most of the time we ignore that still, small voice. Learn this process to let your Self direct your lasting growth.
Writing may be an addiction. It's about being addicted to the incredible feeling that comes from helping you, my reader, improve your life. The more readers I reach, the better I feel. Writing a book only happens when there is something important that I understand and that I know you and many others don't. I want all of you to know what it is and use it to transform some part of your lives. My first challenge is to convince you, that I have something really useful for you and that it will be worth your time to learn about it. So, in the very first few words, I need to intrigue you. In this book I do that by reminding you of a problem in your life that you would love to solve--in this case, how to stop feeling so anxious. Then I need to convince you that I have a useful way to help you solve that problem. What better way to do this than to tell you a story about myself and how I solved a similar problem. That also gives me a way to introduce myself and help you feel hopeful that I can actually help you. That’s what the first chapter is for. Then I need to build each succeeding chapter to fulfill my promise.
It takes a village, or at least a team, to produce a book and to do lots of other things. There are some things that I can do myself, but they are easier and work better when I have support. So if you are trying to be strong instead of asking for help in any area, keep reading. Many months ago, my primary care physician discovered that my EKG was problematic. I have always taken very good care of myself and I was shocked. I shared the information with my husband and a very few good friends. Months later when the Cardiologist decided I needed to have a scary (to me) procedure, my inclination was to keep it to myself and a few close friends. I struggled and finally found myself writing and sharing about it in a writing group. The outpouring of loving support was overwhelming. That gave me courage to share with others and ask for their support. The experience was amazing. Knowing how love surrounded me helped me move peacefully through the process. It worked! I am better and with far more energy than I have had in a long time. And I am so grateful! So, when you need help, let your village know.
Some things are simple but not easy. Sometimes it is a challenge to figure out just what it is that you react to by feeling anxious or stressed. Those feelings are triggered by something but sometimes they seem to come out of thin air. That is one of the reasons I developed a free 7-day Challenge to help anyone learn to reduce worry, stress and anxiety in a very short time. It takes about 10 minutes a day and you get reminders each day. Of course, you can do it at your own speed. Just save the reminders and open them when you have time. Some people would rather do the challenge all at once and that is fine too. You can get more information and a link to receive your own subscription to Secrets of Reducing Unnecessary Worry at www.LaurieWeiss.com/Challenge Get it now! FREE
I love the book title, If How-Tos Were Enough... because it refers to a prevalent FALSE belief that willpower and information is all it takes to accomplish anything. That goes along with demeaning people who just can't make some things work that way. We all set our automatic pilots when we were children. We may have reset them if we encountered trauma sometime later in life, but we each have a part of our brain wired to protect us from anything that part of the brain considers dangerous. Our willpower does as much good as trying to change the locked in direction of the automatic pilot of a boat or plane. You can pull it in the direction you want it to go and hold tight. It will go that way for a while until you get tired and let go. Then it reverts back to automatic. It takes a different process to reset your brain's automatic pilot. There are many ways to do this--its just that willpower isn't one of them. Logosynthesis, the process I teach you in this book, is one of them. One of the most simple and effective ways discovered so far. It is easy to learn and practice. You just need to do is learn it and remember to use it.
Who influenced the stories you told yourself as a child? Much of my career as a Psychotherapist has been about helping clients answer that question and then decide whether they would still listen to those influencers today. Those stories matter, and it is important to decide whether or not they are still useful guides for your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Sometimes those stories about yourself were created under distressing circumstances when you had very little power to change what was happening. Instead, you used the little power you had to try to explain to yourself what has happened to you. As I write this now, we are being bombarded by words and images that are reawakening long forgotten or suppressed memories of distressing past events. If that is happening for you, I hope you take the time to re-examine the stories you told yourself when those events took place. Use t his time to re-examine how those stories have impacted your life and decide whether you would like to create new stories that are more useful to you now. Use the process described in this book to help you release the old stories to make space for the new ones.
Many of my clients describe themselves as control freaks and judge themselves very harshly. They want to be certain that they can control the results of whatever they do. The problem is, it is impossible to know in advance exactly what will happen when you use this procedure. That’s why much of Letting It Go is focused on explaining why and how this procedure will be useful despite its unpredictability. It is all about releasing immediate control of your experience to your deepest Essence so that your experience can be guided from a part of yourself that is devoted to what is best for you. When I wrote the specific instructions about how to use the Logosynthesis sentences to relieve your own anxiety or stress I wanted to do three things. • First, I wanted to make the entire process very easy to use. • Second, I wanted to help readers understand that the results of saying the sentences are very variable and unpredictable. • Third, I wanted to help my readers avoid any kind of judgement about either the process or themselves. Happily, judging by the reviews, I succeeded. Readers have reported following the instructions, despite their initial skepticism, allowed them to release difficult experiences and memories easily and quickly.
When I work with a client to help release anxiety, I watch and listen carefully for signals that the conversation has touched a deep level of truth. It is only then that I know that my client's Self or deep awareness is accessible. The signals I hear may be a change in intensity, in pitch or in tempo. My own attention shifts and I may say to myself, "what just happened?" I may focus on a particular phase while the conversation continues. If our conversation is only through sound though, I miss a lot of information. When I see my client, I see a hint of tears or a slight smile. I see crossed arms or a foot suddenly start to sway. Again I wonder, "what was that?" I don't know any details about what those signals mean. We all can and do respond to those signals in each other regularly. Sometimes our response is to pretend we don't notice. When you send signals like that to others, you can become aware of them too. DON'T IGNORE THOSE SIGNALS! They mean that your Self is sending you a message. When you pay attention to those messages you learn where you have frozen the energy that is creating the anxiety you need to release.
I did not write these eloquent words. This description is written by Dr. Willem Lammers of Switzerland who discovered and developed Logosynthesis, an elegant new energy therapy. Dr. Lammers asked me to write this self-help book about his discovery to make this process for relieving anxiety quickly and easily because he wanted to make it available to as many people as possile. He honored me by writing this Preface. Logosynthesis is spreading quickly through Europe and has been used in Canada as well. It is just beginning to become known in the United States. Unlike many professional tools, you really can learn to use this process yourself--from this book--in just an hour or two. It is a deceptively simple tool. You just need to identify the image of what concerns you, say three sentences and allow the time to notice how you respond to each one. Readers have been astonished at the power of the tool to help them let go of problems that have caused them distress. In the hands of a trained professional it is even more powerful and has been used to relieve many deep and long-lasting challenges. Everything you need to get started is in this book. Try it yourself and experience its magic.
Sometimes what you are afraid of is obvious and makes sense. At other times it is a complete mystery. You react to something because it is similar to something distressing that happened in the past. The problem is, it is much more comfortable to not think about those events and so you use some of your life energy to freeze or wall off your memory of those events. Sometimes you remember the event but hide the emotions associated with it deep within yourself. Sometimes you remember everything but never think of it being related to your current fear. Often just using the Logosynthesis sentences about your current distress is enough to bring those connections to your attention. When that happens, using the sentences on the unraveled mysteries will quickly recover your lost energy and help you solve your current problem.
The first time I watched someone lead a volunteer through the Logosynthesis process during a workshop, it did not make much sense. When you try to figure out how to remove your energy from a memory or a disaster that you only imagine, you can't--and I was busily trying to figure it out. The part of us that figures things out in order to manage our world is sometimes called the ego. Many spiritual traditions urge us to strive to move beyond the ego and experience the world in a different way. However, the ego is an important tool for managing ourselves and our worlds and most people cling to using it to handle the problems of living in the world. The first time I actually experienced this process working (Chapter1), I realized that this was something different. I experienced something deeper, my essence, doing something my ego did not know how to so. I still don't know how to make Logosynthesis work. Instead I had to let it work. Somehow these words activate essence, that part of us that experiences the unity beyond the separation of all things. It is that essence that manages to shift energy and allow the words to help us find peace.
Looking at your life as a problem of energy flow makes blaming yourself for what might not be working rather obsolete. Nobody is to blame for your response to stress. It comes from your innate physiology and the circumstances you encounter and the resources you have available to manage that stress. When the energy of a difficult experience overwhelms your ability to process it, you freeze that energy to protect yourself. It is bumping into the frozen energy that causes you to feel anxious. A part of your brain says to stay away from those frozen places. The problem is those brain places are awakened when something happens that is something like the stress you couldn't manage in the first place. It could be a sound, a smell, a sight or a memory or fantasy that comes too close to the frozen energy. In using the Logosynthesis sentences, we dissolve the frozen energy so your system no longer feels like it needs protection. There is no blame and no shame. It's just freeing frozen energy you can use to enjoy your life now.
It took me many months to create the habit of using Logosynthesis routinely when I felt upset. I would either do nothing or use the tools I already had been using for years. I would simply forget that this tool was available to me. Often my husband, also studying this process, would remind me, "Use the sentences." Then I put copies of the sentences in various places where I would stumble across them. Eventually I would be replaying a scene in my mind and remember that I could easily turn it off if I wanted too. Then I realized that I sometimes wanted to keep suffering instead of solving the problem. Somehow, my distress allowed me some kind of reward. (Chocolate!) Eventually I decided I either could just get my goodie, whatever it was, just because I wanted it, and simply said the sentences about what was bothering me. If you want to avoid failure in using this powerful tool to release your own anxiety and toxic stress you too will need to practice using it on a fairly regular basis. You will also need to set up some reminder systems so that Logosynthesis eventually becomes a part of your life.
Selecting an appropriate target is the heart of using this amazing process. It answers the question of what is causing this discomfort. However, is is NOT important to get it right the first time. My first practice session completely ended my persistent discomfort with air travel. When I returned home from my first Logosynthesis training , I noticed that I did not feel nearly as overstimulated by the day long trip as I had felt in the past. I didn't really understand why because I didn't remember this experience for several years. I forgot that my first target was something about my discomfort with plane travel. Not much happened when I said the 3 sentences. When I was asked about my experience of sitting quietly and simply noticing my internal responses, I reported remembering a childhood experience of riding a subway train at rush hour. The experience was “these bodies pushing in on me and squishing me.” That became my second target. Often people start with one target and while they say the sentences a very strong image or memory appears. Sometimes its the remembered sound of someone's voice saying particular words or even a remembered smell. The new memory then becomes a powerful focus for saying all the sentences again. My second target made the difference.
Tucked away in the bottom of a closet I have a very beautiful and very dilapidated, stained white cashmere sweater. It has elaborate beading showing the initials of my maiden name. One of my cats once discovered it tucked into a half-zipped garment bag and decided it was a wonderful place to deliver her kittens. Yes, today I'm talking about letting go of physical stuff. Logosynthesis works for that too--but only if I take time to do it. Even with physical things, maybe especially with physical things, my attachments persist. That is often because stuff represents much more than what it is. So what does this object represent to me? It was an engagement gift from my mother-in-law who did the beading 58 years ago. She died a few years later. I never got to know her very well. It is time for me to let go of lots of stuff. I will say the 3 Logosynthesis sentences to recover my energy from this sweater, and perhaps from my fantasies about my mother-in-law, and then let it go. If you are having a hard time getting rid of stuff, you may want to try the same process. The target, in this case, “this beaded sweater,” can be followed by the words “and all that it represents.”
An email I received this morning blew me away. A gentleman in his late 60's shared the impact of experimenting with Logosynthesis. He writes, "For some time I have been trying to cope with Meige Syndrome" (involuntary, irregular muscle contractions – of the lower face, jaw and neck, as well as of the eye.) ... after reading about Logosynthesis "started to realize that I was trying to cope with a pattern of symptoms rather than looking toward underlying sources of the problem." In his letter he describes how the problem got worse over the years and the many different methods that have brought him only partial and temporary relief of symptoms. "Following your suggestions in _Letting It Go_, I have begun using Logosynthesis one "slice" at a time on various specific 'targets' as I recognize them. I can report very significant improvements in the ability to relax tension in the body ..." [This] "has been the most promising light for me so far in finding my way out of this affliction!" I am thrilled with this information and the hope this process provides. Please experiment with it and share what you learn.
Everyone I teach to use this process experiences finding the frozen energy as a challenge. I did too when I was learning to think this way. That's because we tend to think about our own discomfort instead of what causes that discomfort. Once, before I had even considered becoming a psychotherapist, I witnessed a demonstration by the late Dr. Eric Berne, author of the famous book, Games People Play. He was showing what most people think is the problem by pounding on the thumb of one hand with his other fist and loudly proclaiming, "Dr., my thumb hurts!" Dr. Berne clearly demonstrated that the patient (or in this case, all of us students) is focused on the pain in the thumb, not on the pounding fist that is causing the pain or on whatever belief the patient holds that compels him to use his fist in that way. In order to learn to use Logosynthesis successfully, it is important to learn to notice either the fist or the belief driving it. Throughout this book I have offered lots of examples of how to focus this way. In addition, I have created a tool, a 7-day challenge, Secrets of Reducing Unnecessary Worry, you can download free to practice this kind of thinking. Get it at www.LaurieWeiss.com/7daychallenge.
I often have someone offer me water or a cough drop when I have not even noticed I am coughing. I have a chronic cough that is being treated medically and this note is not about that. I'm just using it as an example of what a coach calls a toleration--something that is somewhat annoying that remains a part of my life. Often, like the woman in this example, we all tolerate things because we simply don't have the tools to remove them from our lives. Or we may believe that it would be difficult or expensive in time or money or other resources to take effective action. I've noticed that in book reviews of Letting It Go, readers are reporting that they are using what they learn to let go of many things they have been tolerating for years. I am doing so also. I remember an old resentment or, sometimes, a compulsion, and realize that I no longer need to tolerate it being a part of my life. I do the Logosynthesis process and usually it simply evaporates. It doesn't work on everything though. I can release a desire for sweets pretty quickly, but the cough is still persisting.
How do you spread the word about something new that can make a big difference in people's lives without being dismissed as a crank, weirdo or fanatic? I am thrilled to share this week's news that Dr. Willem Lammers, the discoverer and developer of Logosynthesis has successfully accomplished this feat. At the recent Energy Psychology Conference in Florida, Logosynthesis won the jury's award and Dr. Lammers received the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology (ACEP) prize "for a major contribution to the field" on 5th May. Logosynthesis has now reached a new level of visibility and recognition in the field of Energy Psychology, which will open up more opportunities for further research activities. The professionals working with this process has steadily increased over the past 12 years. Most of these professionals are in Europe and there are still very few in the United States and a growing number in Canada. We are all very excited about this boost which will help enable Logosynthesis to enhance the lives of more and more people. When you start to practice the simple but profound technique taught in this book, you too can experience the joy of knowing your own essence.
I used to respond to--get triggered by--the noise and crowds in airports. I would feel tense and stressed, and would spend energy trying to block out my awareness of what was happening around me. I would arrive home exhausted. After a Logosynthesis session when I thought nothing had happened, I spent the next day flying home and did not even notice the hubbub. I can remember my previous upset and exhaustion, but I have now gone 8 years without reacting that way. When a partner in a workshop helped me identify a target for releasing my upset about air travel, I had a vague memory of a scene when I was 8-years-old and in a New York subway train at rush-hour. I experienced "being squished." I didn't even remember that part of my work until several years later when I found some notes from the session. All I knew was that I responded very differently to air travel. The explanation for this (what seemed to me) miraculous transformation is that I had frozen my energy during that overwhelming experience when I was 8-years-old and had already learned to act like a “good girl” and not show my feelings. By saying the 3 Logosynthesis sentences, I had reclaimed my frozen energy.
Sometimes it is hidden in plain view but you can't see it until someone points it out to you. Fortunately, that happened to me when I was about 30. I was attending a meeting of professionals for the first time and stumbled over someone's protruding feet as I approached my seat. "I'm sorry. I'm just so clumsy." was my automatic response. One of the senior people at the meeting, that was partially about the stories we create, asked a question that illuminated a story that I was completely unaware of. He asked, "Who told you you were clumsy?" Once I thought about the answer I realized that my father and other members of my family had been teasing me and laughing at me for being clumsy ever since I was a small child. I adopted their story about me and accepted it as truth. Much later, after I had finally learned some physical skills, I learned that many people need to be taught those physical skills and that my abilities were well within the normal range. I was not especially clumsy after all. Are you accepting as truth limiting stories that you created from a uninformed experience in your past? Listening to your own language and assumptions may help you to recognize it.
Stress and anxiety relief can often be a do-it-yourself project. For many simple things you encounter, all you need is to learn, and practice using, tools like the ones offered in this book. And yesterday I was reminded of what incredible work people have been doing in this field to help people who are so traumatized by stress that they can barely function. I spent the day attending a virtual workshop with Peter A. Levine, Ph.D., developer of Somatic Experiencing, a body focused treatment for toxic stress. His work, the work of Bessel Van der Kolk, M.D. and others on the cutting edge of this field have so much to offer and so much to teach about healing that I am awed. This field is certainly worth many lifetimes of study and I am thrilled to learn more about how many different areas are being carefully examined. If you are someone who struggles to maintain your equilibrium on a moment by moment basis, please seek the help of an experienced therapist who is integrating and applying the information in Logosynthesis or one of the other developing fields. Healing is definitely possible and does not need to involve indefinite drug use.
After nearly a year of attending The Mystery School with Jean Houston I was very confused. I was different in ways that pleased me but I did not understand how the change had happened. I did not know exactly why I flew 2000 miles across the country once a month to do the strange things that were a part of the process of this training. I only knew that I felt extremely drawn, almost compelled to be there. I also trusted that nothing Jean did would be harmful to me. This trust was based on a personal experience 10 years earlier, on reading her books and on the experience of a thoughtful friend. I was very fortunate that when I enrolled in this process, I had been invited by another trusted teacher, Dr. Lawrence LeShan, to consult with him about my experiences. As I sat in Larry's office he questioned me carefully about how I had changed. Then he congratulated me for moving into the next stage of my maturation. I had accomplished a major growth step simply by following appropriate instructions. Maybe that is one of the reasons I was open to learning about Logosynthesis. I hope you are willing to experiment with this very safe process to allow it to change your life.
Holding on to something familiar makes you feel safe. There is nothing at all wrong with that. You are a human being and that is what humans do, both physically and emotionally. When you're little you literally cling to your parents. As you get a little bigger you may cling to a familiar blanket or toy to manage anxiety in an unfamiliar situation. Then you hold on to familiar ideas. In kindergarten, my son and one of his friends almost came to blows when one claimed that the tooth fairy was really Mom. You may even have been told how wrong it would be to give up this belief. You are afraid of not belonging--of being excluded from your friends or family if you give up some old belief. Furthermore, you suspect that you will feel strange and uncomfortable without your belief (or memory or object or hope.) Then you watch your favorite media which also reminds you of how important it is to keep holding on. You feel even more anxious about letting go. The truth is that learning to let go opens you to new growth and possibilities and actually relieves that anxiety. Use the tools in this book to help you experience the joy and freedom that comes with this new skill.
Creating the right word or phrase to use as a target for the Logosynthesis sentences is a challenge for most people. Don't let that stop you from playing with the process. The worst thing that can happen to you if you do this "wrong" is nothing. You will be left with exactly the same frozen energy you started with. Even when nothing much happens when you practice the process you may have what seems like a random thought. Instead of dismissing it, consider the possibility that that thought is a clue to a more useful target. One of the beauties of this process is that you can't predict the outcome. You simply choose the best target description that you can and trust that your essence or higher self will use it in the best way it possibly can. Some people have immediate and strong responses when they experience the process. Others experience little or nothing to let them know if something shifted. The way I usually find out is that I completely forget about the challenge I was trying to manage. I sometimes don't even notice that I have forgotten until I am reminded several days later. So go ahead and practice the process described in the book. At the very least, you will learn something about yourself.
As a psychotherapist, I have worked with Life Scripts for at least 45 years. A Life Script is a story we each create at a time in life when our understanding of cause and effect is very limited. We take many small experiences like Emily's and by the time we have finished grade school we have usually decided what kind of person we are and what happens to people like us in the world. We make plans for our lives that sound a lot like "because of these experiences I need to act in this way." We more or less unconsciously create a plan or "script" that leads us to do certain things and avoid doing certain other things throughout our lives. Occasionally these plans are dangerous or even lethal when people have experienced abuse or neglect as children. More often these plans are simply limiting. They show up as limiting beliefs in your life. They make sense in the situation you are in when you make the decisions that lead to these beliefs. It is only later in life that you may feel the uncomfortable effects of living by them. You can use the Logosynthesis process described in this book to effectively dissolve these beliefs and regain your life options.
I have had several emails lately from readers who are afraid Logosynthesis won't work for them because they are trying to release too many things at the same time. This tool simply does not work that way in a do-it-yourself situation. It is more like eating the elephant one bite at a time. I know that for many people, the distress you are experiencing feels like being weighed down by an elephant. Still, you need to start practicing with small things. You can't predict what images or thoughts will arise any time you say the sentences. Often those thoughts will dissolve as you proceed through the process. If they don't, they become excellent targets for future practice. I often think of healing as taking an unknown path through an unknown terrain to an unknown destination. Start small, with something that is a current irritation as a target. Be as specific as possible and just notice what happens. Chances are good that you will start a growing and healing process.
I recently received a note from someone who was reading this book. It was headed "A Long Time Ago." He wrote of an old memory of his wife of 42 years. The memory was of watching his wife with a different young man at a time she had rejected him in favor of the other man. Although things had obviously changed and she eventually chose him, he wrote that he was still disturbed by the picture of that old event that is still coming into his awareness over 42 years later. This is a vivid example of freezing energy when you are overwhelmed by an event that you don't have the resources to manage. As a young man he may have felt overwhelmed by feelings of jealousy and helplessness at the sight of a girl he felt so attracted to with someone else. Since he did not have a way to process those feelings, he froze them. Now the image he kept seeing was the message about the frozen energy. The image represents far more than the actual scene it shows. But it’s not necessary to know the full story of what else the image represents to recover the frozen energy. Logosynthesis uses just 3 sentences that include words describing his image, to reclaim his frozen energy.
I keep getting emails from readers telling me they have followed the steps in this book and experienced remarkable relief from anxiety and stress. Then, occasionally someone asks me why the process works. And my answer is, "I don't really know." Part of me thinks it is important to know. After all, as an undergraduate, I studied to be a scientist. As a healer, I know many things that truly help people change the way they feel and act have no rational explanations. Logosynthesis may eventually be scientifically validated. I certainly hope so. I also know that while our toolkit for understanding our brains and minds is constantly expanding, it is also very limited. I once heard a prominent scientist answer a question by saying, "We don't have the tools to measure that yet." I loved her answer! It is important to keep asking the question and looking for answers. But not knowing something yet doesn't mean anything is wrong with what we are doing. It just means we are still exploring. It may be even more important to keep practicing the process. Whether or not we understand why it works, we can become more skilled in working with it to relieve pain and find the joy we seek.
When I first learned about the powerful Logosynthesis process, I printed out the sentences onto an index card. I put the card in a drawer near my computer--and left it there! At the times I really needed to release stress, I often simply forgot about this powerful resource. Even now, when it has become an important part of my life, I find myself making notes in my journal about things I need to "Logo." I still forget sometimes. As I was writing this book, I knew I needed to do something to encourage my readers to PRACTICE! This entire chapter is filled with suggestions and readers still forget once an immediate crisis has passed. I have even used "anything that keeps me from remembering this tool," as a target. I think the best way to have this tool available when you need it is to make practice a regular part of your day. The way I use it is at bedtime when I am reviewing my day. I can easily notice one item that still holds stuck energy. I usually do it quickly and sleep better because of it. When is a time in your routine where you can put in some practice time?
You know intuitively when something is draining your energy. All you need to do is pay attention to your self-talk. I hear myself saying things like, "It's tiring just to be in the room with her." I also hear, "I just can't stop thinking about this situation." I bet you do too. When I was learning to use this process, I was repeatedly surprised by how quickly the Logosynthesis process let me release my energy from the stuck places and how easy it was to not even notice anything had happened. People have different responses to the process. Some experience intense waves of shifting energy. Not me--usually I don't notice a thing right away. It is sort of a non-experience and I wonder if anything has changed. Then, a short time later, I may notice that the pictures and conversation in my mind have shifted. My self-talk has changed and I am no longer putting any energy into the problem that I had been focused on. This low key experience is like a delayed action response and if you experience it, don't let it worry you. It does help to keep notes to remind yourself about what you have done. Otherwise you may totally forget that you ever had that particular problem.
Writing this book was taking an unknown path to an imagined destination and I was incredibly grateful when my early readers gave me feedback that let me hope I had accomplished my goal. I was trying to take a deceptively simple technique that nobody fully understands and explain it so that naive readers might use it to change their relationships to stress and suffering. This process, the integration of many very complex thought lines, had already helped me make important changes in my work and my personal life. I felt like I was walking a thin line between old and new views of the change process itself and doing my best to honor both perspectives. I am grateful to the colleagues and friends around the world who acted as sounding boards for me as I wrote the pieces that made up this book. Yet, I practically held my breath when I asked new people to read the complete manuscript. I am especially grateful to Dr. Willem Lammers of Switzerland, who originally discovered this process, helped me learn it, and asked me to create this book in the first place. And I am grateful that he has now taken the resulting work and had it translated and distributed in German.
Finding a new way to look at life challenges is the core to rapid anxiety relief. Most conventional self-growth training says to look at the story of what happened that is creating or has created distress in your life. Then examine the story in detail and learn to relate to it in a new way. This can be painful and take a lot of time. Logosynthesis is different. It is not about the story!!! It is about where you have stored the frozen life energy when you could not manage the problem when you originally encountered it. One way of looking at this is that you once did something to create a protective shield to take care of yourself. Now that shield is getting in your way. Instead of looking at why you created the shield, you use the sentences to dismantle the shield. The reason you created the shield in the first place may have been forgotten long ago. In any case, spending energy on why you built a shield or wall that you no longer need is not an especially good use of your current energy. You use the sentences to let it go.
A very logical-minded individual asked me to explain this word that I use so frequently. I started by saying I don't really know. Wikipedia has pages on the topic. It starts with a ability to get something done. It is a "conserved quality" of something. It goes on to list 14 different forms of physical energy. Yikes! Then there are ideas like human energy and chi--and we sort of understand that those words are an attempt to explain an experience we all share. We know when we feel able to be present and engage with the world and each other. We know when we can barely drag ourselves to our next activity. We know that quality is revived with food, drink and human contact. It's something we share yet it is almost impossible to define. Yet, I talk about your energy being stuck and you understand, or at least sort of understand what I am saying and can use my words to help change your life. Every now and then I realize that there is much more happening than I understand and that that is still OK. We are traveling this path together.
I have always loved this quote. There are so many things I have accepted because people I trusted told me they were possible. Often those things worked and sometimes they didn't. Sometimes I understood why, but more often, I shrugged and moved on. We as human beings are way too complex for us to fully understand on biological, biochemical, physical and social levels. Once, I was privileged to hear the late Candice Pert answer a question most other distinguished scientists would have dismissed. She said, "We don't have the technical tools to examine that, yet!" I offer Logosynthesis in this book from this perspective. It is a method that has been extremely helpful for many people. I have personally observed its usefulness for myself and others. I offer it for you to experiment with and to learn whether it is useful for you.
Jack and Jill, a popular children's magazine ran a feature called, "I Used to Think..." where an 8-year-old could contribute a story about an old misconception about the world. Beliefs like "the tree-tops touch the sky' and 'my mom always knows where I am' were common. I watched 2 6-year old boys almost come to blows about whether the tooth fairy was real, and I simply could not convince a 4-year-old that it was a cartoon character and not he who had smashed the monster. It is completely normal for children to believe this way. And it's the job of parents and other care takers to gently help kids to understand how the world really works. The problem comes when children don't talk about their beliefs about the world--especially when they are under stress. Parents often accidentally cause cause the stress by making threats or promises or simply repeating ordinary statements like 'boys don't cry' or 'stop asking for stuff.' If you were on the receiving end of experiences like this, and most of us were, they may still be shaping your view of the world. It may be time to start really listening to the stories you tell yourself and see if they are causing unnecessary anxiety or stress in your life.
I need to reorganize my kitchen. My consultant looked and commented that I have lots of stuff I probably don't need. She is absolutely right. Yet, I don't want to let it go! I know why. My parents lived through the depression and taught me to conserve everything because I might need it someday. That is still true I suppose. More important, I carry the memory of their disapproval, left over from anytime I wasted a resource, frozen deep within myself. They actually did manage to downsize and release a lot of their stuff, but I was not close by to witness their doing so. The frozen energy from many years ago is still impacting my life today. I know I can and eventually will take on this challenge and use the Logosynthesis process to help me release the stuck energy. Meanwhile, I still have overstuffed cabinets and drawers. Did you read this because you too have too much stuff? Do you know why you are holding on and where your energy is stuck? Are you willing to find out? And are you willing to join me in the challenge of letting it go?
While reading science fiction as a teenager, I believed that I could learn to do the special things the heroines of the stories could do--if I could only find the right teacher. In the course of my life and career I have been blessed to find many such teachers. One of the most important things I learned is that there is much more depth and complexity in the world than I can possibly understand. Another important lesson is that if you engage in certain practices while holding certain beliefs about the world, unusual things can happen almost routinely. A third, critically important lesson is to "not kill the question." That means to keep thinking and experimenting instead of labeling things and deciding I know an answer. It is this background that enabled me to embrace Logosynthesis and share its benefits with my readers, my clients and my students. I invite you to accept the magic and experience the process. Most people who do benefit from it.
You may think that the misunderstandings that are so common in childhood are just cute, but the truth is, they can shape your life. Because I know this, I have always considered it very important to help children understand the world as well as they possibly can. The problem is that many decisions you make as a child are unknown to the adults who cared for you so those untrue or partially true beliefs continue to exist. It is nobody's fault. It is just a part of how people work. So if something in your life is not working the way you want it to, it makes sense to check out what the fundamental belief about the world that drives that situation might be. Not too long ago it was very difficult to change that fundamental belief, even if you know, logically, that it does not make sense. Now, using the Logosynthesis process described in this book, changing the belief is as simple as repeating 3 sentences and letting your higher wisdom rearrange things and dissolve what no longer serves you.
You continue to make up stories to make sense of the world throughout your life. Often the stories are linked together by a common theme. If you were a child with an older sibling you often experienced not doing a task as well as someone else. The task might be climbing a tree or reading a story or making a peanut butter sandwich. The task doesn't matter, the experience of not doing things as well as someone else might lead to creating the story or belief, "I am not good enough." That story is retold in a new format every time you have a challenge learning something new. The basic story and belief is automatically reinforced. Fortunately, since you created the story in the first place, once you learn to notice telling it to yourself, you have the power to change it. Until recently, changing your story involved a complicated process of learning to focus and refocus on a different story and/or re-experiencing the painful emotions that led you to create the story in the first place. The Logosynthesis process you learn in this book is a very powerful way to help you change your story, permanently!
The actual process of saying the three sentences aloud is very simple. The reason I don't simply put those sentences into one on these short pieces is that the critical issue is learning to direct those sentences to a useful target. Choosing such a target takes much more understanding of how you freeze your energy than just saying the sentences. One of my biggest challenges has been to find ways to help my readers find the targets they need to easily reclaim their frozen energy. I recently created a 7-Day Challenge, "Secrets of Reducing Unnecessary Worry" to help you learn to create useful targets. It takes less than 10 minutes/day and it does include the sentences and instructions about using them. You are welcome to use this process yourself. It will cost you your email address so I can send you the material and reminders about using it. It will also cost you a bit over an hour of your time, spread over the 7 days of your choice. That's the only cost. You do it your way. It is entirely self-paced. You can get more information and register at www.LaurieWeiss.com/7daychallenge . Register right now while you are thinking about it.
In his amazingly comprehensive book, "Thank You for Being Late," Thomas Friedman has a chapter called "Just Too Dammed Fast." I feel that way a lot of the time. Do you? In revisiting this book, I realize that I did not include needing to release the small trauma's we encounter every day. I just read someone's Facebook post about frustration with 'unnecessary' changes to Skype. Just as you get familiar and comfortable with operating your favorite device, you are forced to upgrade to the next operating system. Everything changes instantly! And the world is getting faster every day. It's hard to adapt instantly to all of those minor traumas you face daily. And these stresses add up to a general wariness and anxiety for many people. Unless you are in the small percentage of people who love change, your sense of safety and security is challenged repeatedly. You need to let go of these daily mini-traumas just to live comfortably!
Do you feel guilty or ashamed because you just can't let go? Or do you get angry when someone assumes that letting go of what is troubling you should be easy? Lots of people react in these ways because most of us don't realize that no matter how much will power we apply to trying to really let go, it just doesn't work. That is because your brain is hard-wired to be hyper-sensitive to threats. It carefully stores any and all information about potential threats in a system that is something like a library. When a new situation comes up, your brain automatically compares it to all stored situations in order to warn you to protect yourself from danger. Once something goes into the library, you need very special tools to get it out. Will power is not one of those tools. It is sort of like trying to use a hammer to saw a piece of wood. It just doesn't do the job. You need a different tool. The Logosynthesis process I teach in this book is one of the few special tools that actually works.
When have you been in a stressful situation? Did you have the resources you needed to resolve the problem or did you close down a part of yourself for self-protection? I still remember a scene from my pediatrician's office when I was 4 or 5 years old. I was terrified at the prospect of the nurse pricking my finger to get a drop of blood! I screamed and balled my hands into tight fists. I buried my face in my mother's midsection. Finally the situation was resolved when the nurse uncurled a finger and got the sample without my even noticing. I was too busy screaming. When I was told it was over, I remember being surprised. I don't remember any further scenes ever, even when I had a series of allergy shots. I had the help and protection I needed to eventually manage that situation. But WHAT IF??? What if my mother had not been both sympathetic and loving? What if she or the nurse had yelled at me to shut up? What if I had been alone with the nurse? In any of those situations I could easily have been overwhelmed by something an adult would consider a minor inconvenience. If you were not protected, your energy may still be stuck in an incident you barely remember.
Emily's story is really about who she is and what she needs to do to have a right to be in the world. We all create stories that explain the world to us when we are children. Some are more or less benign like "I will grow up, get married and live happily ever after." But even that simple story line can be pretty limiting when it does not match the reality of having to work at any relationship to make it successful. Other stories are less happy. This might be "I will need to work hard for every single thing I get and never have time for fun." Some are even tragic like "I will die young just like my father did." In every case the story helps guide decisions you make about how to live your everyday life and limits your options. What story do you tell yourself about your life? Is it "I need to keep my feelings to myself?" or perhaps, "I would lose my friends if I did not do what they expect?" or perhaps, "I can't afford to take a vacation?" Whatever it is, consider giving it up and making fresh choices with more possibilities. The information about how to reclaim your energy from your stories will help.
How can I explain this astonishingly simple, profound experience in a way that makes it possible for a naive reader to take this strange new concept and actually use it? I pondered this question for a full year after I was asked to write a Logosynthesis book for a general audience. I wanted to create a user-friendly experience that bridged several cultures because this process is much better known in Europe than it is in the US. And I wanted my audience to know the good news that transformation no longer needs to be painful. Since I actually had been teaching this process for several years, I had developed a process that my students seemed to like. But that process involved being able to tell about my own experiences while encouraging those students to try the process themselves and adapting it to each one's prior experience. How could those students experiences be translated into a useful form? Finally I asked for help--on Facebook--and volunteers from 7 different countries joined my “Little Logosynthesis Book” team and agreed to read and comment on each chapter I created. With their help, this book emerged. I was thrilled when early readers affirmed that together we created a practical and usable book that actually guides the reader to experience this potentially life-changing process.
So many self-help programs pretend that all it takes is willpower and planning to make a big difference in your life. What they neglect is that you need to reset the automatic pilot you created by telling yourself stories about why things happened when you were small. Otherwise every change you make will be temporary and easily undone. You created these stories with an immature brain that was doing your very best to make sense of your world and your relationship to your world. These stories helped you manage situations where you felt threatened in some way, whether the threat was real or imagined. I have spent my career as a psychotherapist helping my clients uncover and rewrite these stories in order to reset their automatic pilots. Now that reset can be accomplished faster and with much less drama and trauma using Logosynthesis, the process I teach you to use in this book. Once you reset your automatic pilot, permanent change can occur, sometimes almost effortlessly.
What story do you tell yourself over and over again? I'll bet you can't even identify it as a story. The first time I realized that something I thought was a fact was just a story, I was stunned. I was 30 years old and taking part in a professional seminar as a Junior High School teacher. I accidentally bumped a real Psychologist as I was getting up to get coffee and said, "Excuse me, I am so clumsy." Instead of responding politely he looked at me and asked, "Who told you that you were clumsy?" I was stunned! I stammered something about my parents calling me clumsy. By the time the meeting ended, I had become aware that, "I'm clumsy" was simply something I had been told and had very little to do with reality. It was a story I told myself that kept me from learning physical skills. My energy was frozen in the story. After I learned it was just someone else's story about me that I was telling myself, I was able to take back my energy and use it to learn skills I could have learned many years earlier. What limiting stories are you telling yourself that you simply heard from someone else? Would you like to reclaim your energy from those stories?
Are you still blaming your parents for what they did or did not do when you were growing up? Are you older now than they were when you froze your energy in response to their behavior? I remember the day that it occurred to me that my parents were just ordinary people living in a fairly restrictive world when I was a child. I could see how they were doing the best they could to show their obvious love for me, even though some of what I learned from them was causing me problems in achieving my own goals. I felt a profound sense of relief at that moment and my (then) current struggle with them simply evaporated. If you have not been privileged to experience such a moment, it would probably be useful to focus the sentences you learn in this book on some of the scenes you remember where your parents did not give you what you needed at the time. Keeping that energy frozen only holds you back from having the joy you could be experiencing in your life right now.
I just skimmed another magazine article about worry. The author's conclusion is we all do it, it's not good for us, and we should stop by thinking happy thoughts and doing good deeds. OK, I am being a bit glib, but basically that is what seems to be the common view of how to manage this kind of suffering. The truth of course is much more complex. Worry is a sign that your energy is stuck in some situation in the past or in anticipating some situation in the future. How it got stuck in the first place and how to release it is an ongoing challenge. Talk psychotherapy, which I have practiced for 45 years, addresses this issue by trying to understand what happened to freeze the energy in the past. The hope is that by understanding what happened, you will be able to let go of the worry and use the energy for other things. This approach works often enough to keep doing it. The problem is both clients and therapists focus on the story rather than the stuck energy. Since learning the approach I describe here, we can now release the frozen energy much more quickly and easily.
As a psychotherapist for 45 years I “know” from experience that people are affected by things that happened to them when they were children. Now scientific validation shows the correlation between “adverse childhood experiences” and problems later in life. The Center for Disease Control-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study is one of the largest investigations of childhood abuse and neglect and later-life health and well-being. www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/ From 1995 to 1997 over 17,000 people received physical exams and completed confidential surveys about their childhood experiences and current health status and behaviors. And ACE’s are common!!! Almost two-thirds of participants reported at least one ACE, and more than one in five reported three or more ACEs. I believe each ACE is a childhood experience that most children do not have sufficient resources to manage. Therefor they freeze their energy to protect themselves. I believe that learning to release the frozen energy helps protect us from the otherwise negative effects shown in the study. The research shows that as the number of ACEs increases so does the risk for a long list of difficulties in adult life. The list includes addictions of all kinds, depression, financial stress, many physical illnesses and many types of violence. If this fascinates you the way it does me, start with the link above and explore.
When you learn to use this process, you don't get to decide what outcome you want and do something to produce it. The conscious part of you can't (and eventually learns not to even bother trying) to rearrange your energy. As a Logosynthesis practitioner I had to learn that I could neither predict nor control the outcome when I worked with my clients. As a psychotherapist and as a business owner and manager, I found that disconcerting at first. Many people do. We are accustomed to trying to plan, predict and control our lives and are often encouraged to do so. And that process works just often enough to make us believe that we are somehow failing if we we aren’t in control. Trying to control what happens when using these three sentences slows down the process of self-healing that Logosynthesis activates. What works best is to trust your deepest and truest Self to know and do what is best for you.
Miracles are now so routine in my life that I barely realize how impactful they are. I wrote this a few months after learning about this tool, when I was still awed by it. "I am being willingly seduced by the power of a new tool that appears to help people make remarkably rapid positive changes in their lives." In our first "Logosynthesis Self-Coaching Study Group" we learned how easily we could teach interested people to use a few focused sentences to dissolve their reactions to past, present or anticipated stressful situations. One of the participants shared with us. "My first experience of it was a demonstration working with my wife, Barbara, on her tendency to overreact to what she sees when she's a passenger in a car. This is something I had experienced for many years and which seemed to be getting worse. It happened frequently and involved a stomping foot or that gasp somebody might make as they suddenly see the train that's about to take them out. It stopped completely after the one five or ten minute process. Barbara expressed her own amazement for days afterward. She continues to ride with remarkable equanimity, especiallywhen you consider that my driving habits haven't changed." Woody M. It used to take us many client sessions to accomplish similar results.
Denise told me that she had let go of the experience of being sexually abused as a child and had forgiven her abuser. So she was shocked when a recent event had re-awakened all of her feelings about that horrible time in her life. As we explored what had happened she described feeling intensely unworthy and dirty. We used the process described in this book to release the belief we uncovered--the belief that she was responsible for being hurt. Ten minutes later the belief and feelings that went with it were gone. Three weeks later she was still doing fine and, reviewing the situation, she discovered that she had followed instructions about how to manage forgiveness as an adult. The problem was that the part of her that had frozen her energy to protect herself from an impossible to manage situation, had not been Wasaddressed with those useful "how to" instructions. It took releasing the frozen energy to truly find peace.
Are you still angry about the times your Dad promised to show up at your game and didn't? How about the times that your Mom insisted that you stay home and babysit when you wanted to be with your friends? Often you hold onto resentments like this because you felt helpless and decided that someday, some way, that mean parent would realize how badly you had been treated and apologize. Holding onto those resentments is a way of freezing energy. Noticing when you resent something in the past that nothing can possibly change can be a signal to you of a place where you can reclaim that frozen energy. It helps if you get clear about the fantasy or belief that goes along with the original resentment. Is it that the culprit will be sorry and change? Is it that you will get back at them in some way? Once you understand that secret hope, then you can use the Logosynthesis process to reclaim your frozen energy.
Not processing difficult situations to release frozen energy can cause later problems. Almost every addiction, whether it is to alcohol, drugs, food or even work started as a way to help you feel better when you had an uncomfortable experience. The experience could have been the stress of living in a home where you witnessed emotional or physical violence and drinking alcohol or using drugs helped you relax. Or you could have learned to distract yourself from the stress with work. Or perhaps when you were small, each time you experienced difficulty you were consoled with cookies and you learned that food was the way to feel better. The problem in each case is that it takes more and more of the pain relieving substance to produce the same amount of relief and you then need the substance just to feel normal. Healing from an addiction is a complicated process. Often releasing your energy from the original problem reduces the pressure to use the substance to try to feel better.
If letting go is such a challenge, why bother to do it at all? Many people don't. If you are among the 54% of people in the US who have not experienced "adverse childhood experiences" and don't mind putting up with occasional upsets, that is certainly a valid choice. If you are reading this though, you probably find that current reactions to past difficulties are causing problems in your life. Research shows that the more of those adverse experiences you have experienced, such as: *parents or guardians who divorced, separated, died, or were jailed, *witnessing any violent behavior *living with anyone with mental health or addictions, the more likely you are to have mental and physical problems. Fortunately it is now much easier to recover your energy from your reactions to those events and prevent the serious after-effects of those problems. This book will show you how using just the power of words will allow you to reclaim your life energy from those reactions.
Is it about road rage or something someone close to you says? It doesn't matter. It's hard to stay in control! When it happens to me, I am usually shocked at what I want to say and do--often about something I had long since forgotten about. My brain is hijacked (a Daniel Goleman term) and on one level, I am certain I must fight, or run, or freeze! When I wait a few seconds my thinking mind catches up and sometimes I can figure out how to respond in a rational way. I thought there was nothing I could do about this except learn to breathe deeply until I stopped shaking. I was wrong! The right words can unhook this reaction. Just 3 sentences with the correct target can change everything.
If you are fairly comfortable in your life, occasional experiences of anxiety and depression may not bother you. You believe this is just the way things are. It's especially true if you believe that it will be difficult and time consuming to change. Yet holding on to old resentments, fears, and hopes can sap your energy. If you are very uncomfortable in your life you may want to change but fear delving into the trauma of your past that leads to your comfort discomfort. Until I discovered Logosynthesis, the process I teach in this book, I had to work very hard to help my clients take on the challenge and to help them cope with the discomfort they experienced. Thankfully, that pain and difficulty no longer is required. Saying the special sentences that focus on the cause of your discomfort is easy to do, and the discomfort is often minimal or non-existent.
You often feel anxious when something reminds you of the things that overwhelmed you at some time in your past. That's especially true if you tried to manage a difficult situation by freezing your energy and deciding to never think about something again. Then you conveniently forgot that you ever made the decision. It is like having a double lock on a door to try to stay safe. You probably have a lot more resources now than you had at the time you made those decisions. Even if you don't, those locks have side effects that cause other problems. Psychotherapists and other healers have been working toward helping you examine and/or reset your reactions to those experiences for a very long time. The process of Logosynthesis is the most effective way I have ever encountered to allow this reset to happen. After it happens, the anxiety and other side effects vanish.
Sometimes, when you think you want to let something go but keep holding on anyway, a part of you has another agenda. That part of you secretly thinks that you can magically change the outcome of something that happened in the past--if only.... If only you had said something different, if only you were stronger, if only you had left the party a few minutes earlier, then things would be different. If you want to let go of remembering how angry you are because of the way someone treated you, you may have to let go of the fantasy that, somehow, something you say or do now will change what happened back then. It won't! What happened, can't be changed. What can be changed is your fantasy or secret belief or secret hope that you have the power to fix the past. Once you let go of the fantasy, letting go of the original event will be much easier.
The nursery was ready and it was time, but it didn't go as planned. Over 50 years ago my first baby was stillborn. I was in total shock and disbelief. I had done everything "right" throughout the pregnancy and could not even imagine the idea of not coming home from the hospital with a baby. I was numb at first, then incredibly sad and disillusioned. Most people I met tried to console me with some variation of, "You’re young and healthy, you can have another one." I was just supposed to let it go but I couldn't. Not only was I grieving but my whole view of how the world worked was destroyed. Most loses are not as life-shattering as that one, but still, it can be really hard to let go and move on. Even a tiny loss can cause us to get stuck. Fortunately, a good therapist helped me move back into the world then. About 10 years and 2 healthy children later I encountered a process that finally allowed me to truly let go. Now, thankfully, we have the tools to let go much more quickly and with much less pain. I want you to have them. Please read this book and make those tools a part of your life.
When you use the Logosynthesis sentences, you need to insert a target which represents whatever is causing the disruption in your energy flow. Today one of my clients was doing her best to cope with changes she is experiencing in many areas of her life. She reported doing well most of the time but overreacting to some simple things like roads being blocked for repairs that inconvenienced her. The flow of her life energy was definitely disrupted. She recognized that she was "on edge" because of other changes in her life. Yet many of those changes were natural and expected. When we explored where her energy was stuck we discovered that while one part of her was moving forward, another part was being critical--not of herself or other people but of the basic idea that things are changing. The target that we chose was "this belief that the world should not be changing." I guided her through the sentences and she experienced relief, acceptance and relaxation. This book is designed to help you develop the skill of finding a useful target for the sentences so you can use them to re-balance your own energy.
I love the title of this book, "If How-Tos Were Enough We Would All Be Skinny, Rich and Happy." Every time I open my email someone is telling me how to do something I want to do in some fantastic new way. I want those things done and sometimes I even sign up for them, yet I rarely complete them. When I look at why, I remember unfinished sewing projects hanging on the back of my door when I was a teenager. I finished the things that were coming together the way I had pictured them. I managed to never get around to finishing those that were not really working out. My mother nagged me to finish them. I knew how to finish them, but I really did not want to finish them. Yet no one told me what to do when I knew something was not working. I had to wait till much later in my life to learn to let go! And obviously, I am still learning!
Today I did the physical motion of paddling a boat while taking a Pilates class. I was immediately vividly aware of paddling a boat under very challenging conditions on a lake in Alaska during a tourist expedition. That experience exhausted me so thoroughly that I became vulnerable to a virus. That virus took me out of my normal life for 3 uncomfortable months. The Alaska experience happened 10 years ago and I had not re-experienced that paddling memory in at least 9 years. It was triggered simply by a taking a similar physical position! That kind of flashback can happen to anyone, anytime. When the flashback is to a traumatic experience, the Logosynthesis process described in this book can relieve the discomfort of the feelings associated with the memory.
A remarkable book I just finished, Sickened: The True Story of a Lost Childhood, by Julie Gregory tells in painful detail about how much of one child's life energy was frozen in an attempt to survive an impossible situation. This book vividly highlights just how dependent children are. As an adult it takes many difficult years for this damaged child to reclaim her own life and disentangle herself from her own life-preserving responses to this pervasive trauma. As children we trust, love and want to obey. We have little concept of any way to experience the world outside the one our parents believe in and explain to us. In Julie's case, her mother defined her as sick when she was not. Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Even in much less toxic situations parents who carry scars from their own pasts often can't provide the resources their children need. And so the cycle continues. We each need to reclaim the energy we used to protect ourselves. The process shared in Letting It Go helps each user reclaim the energy frozen in the struggle to get what we need in the wold.
I want so much for this book to help readers ease unnecessary suffering. That is the reason I wrote it. I know from my professional and personal work with Logosynthesis and reader reviews that the process works and readers have been using it successfully. I keep thinking about all the people it could help If they knew about it. One way to spread the word is to to get it into libraries. The process of preparing and explaining why this book, among all the hundreds of thousands available deserves a space on a library shelf is detailed and time consuming—and I am doing it. You can help by asking your librarian to add it to your library collection. Then tell your friends it is available. Of course, the more reviews there are, the easier it is to convince new readers to give it a try. If you have left a review, thank you very much. If not, please go to wherever you READ reviews and add a bit about your experience with the book or the process.
A professional coach who is using Logosynthesis to release her own stress told me that what she really needed was "target practice." Others nodded in agreement. Yet a few days later many many of my personal growth students, came up with useful, significant targets for themselves in just a few minutes of discussion after hearing some of the sample targets in Chapter 6. They were very clear about where their energy was stuck. Maybe the professionals are so used to looking for deeper meaning that they over-complicate things. It isn't difficult to listen to the running conversation you are having with yourself. Anything that you keep thinking about probably has frozen energy that would make an excellent target for the Logosynthesis sentences.
We have so much energy frozen into our experiences and beliefs about money that sometimes I wonder how anyone can successfully manage his/her financial life. Maybe that is because negative experiences about money are so painful. Energy gets stuck when things don't work, not when they do. So when you are a child and want something but can't have it because it cost too much all kinds of glitches can happen. Of course every commercial screen you see encourages that want! You can be shamed by a parent who says, "Do you think I'm made of money?" You can make up a story that you don't deserve what you want because there is something wrong with you. You can make up a story about how a mean parent is depriving you of something. If you are lucky you get a useful educational experience about saving and spending. Logosynthesis can help release the stuck energy. It is so useful that we have even taught a day long workshop to help people sort out this issue.
Ongoing research about trauma is helping me to understand that our brains store traumatic images differently than they store ordinary memories. Traumatic memories are stored in disconnected fragments instead of coherent stories. That may be because all of those details in one place would be too overwhelming to manage. That is also part of the reason those traumatic memories are so hard to "just let go." It's as if you want to assemble a jigsaw puzzle, but some of the pieces are in a kitchen drawer while others are under your pillow and most of the others are in a box in the closet. Before I had Logosynthesis as a tool, I thought it was necessary to assemble all the pieces of the trauma to let it go. Then I learned how to help a client release a single important piece of the stored traumatic memory. Amazingly, once this was done, the rest of the assembly job became unnecessary.
Do you ever wonder what makes it so easy for some people to send back food that isn't properly prepared at a restaurant while to others, the very thought of sending it back causes intense anxiety so they suffer in silence? It probably has something to do with a past event or events you have completely forgotten about. When we feel overwhelmed by something we can't manage, we often solve the problem by quickly putting it out of our awareness--forgetting that it even existed. This effectively freezes energy around that problem. So if you were ignored or punished or shamed when you complained about something long ago, your brain registered that as something to avoid forever. When you might like something to change now, you feel anxious without knowing it's about a forgotten incident or pattern from your history.
Ouch! I heard myself thinking "I still resent that..." and realized how much energy I had frozen into something I had tried to change and simply couldn't. Many of my clients hold resentments about things they have not even tried to change. In any case, resentment is a way of saying I want to stay angry about this--whatever this may be. Resenting something often involves the hidden fantasy that if I stay angry it will hurt the person or thing that did not do what I expected or wanted. The Logosynthesis sentences can be very effective in retrieving the energy that is frozen into any kind of resentment. Just listen for the word "resent" and use it as a signal that your energy is waiting there for you to retrieve it.
My iphone froze on day 2 of a 10-day vacation. I spent hours following every on-line protocol I could find to get it going again--to no avail. Finally my husband took over talking to tech support on his phone and as I sat waiting for the verdict and upset about the wasted vacation time, I heard a voice in my mind saying "You're a bad girl." At the same time I experienced a wash of shame! Wow! Where did that come from??? I first thought defensively--"I didn't do anything wrong!" Then realized I had just stumbled on a piece of stuck energy. It did not really matter where it came from. I used the target "this experience of believing I am a bad girl" with the Logosynthesis sentences and felt better immediately. The phone has a hardware problem and I will get it repaired or replaced when I get home.
One of the first things I learned about using Logosynthesis as a tool to help others reduce anxiety is to not assume anything. Here I am trying to help my reader understand that nobody knows what anybody else is really thinking or feeling! By showing how wrong my assumption was about what was troubling my friend, I hope my reader will be reminded of how easy it is to make mistakes. Of course, the solution is easy! Just ask! Ask yourself, ask your learning partner--"what part of this distresses you the MOST?" That is most likely to be the best clue to finding a useful target. I used my friend's answer to get the target so perfectly that she completely forgot what she was scared about.
During a recent discussion of using this process, one of the participants said, "If you hear a target in what I am saying, tell me." As a very experienced professional it is now fairly easy for me to find the target to use in this simple process. But I have struggled to find an easy way to help my students and my readers find their own targets. One of the simplest ways I have discovered is to start paying attention to emotional intensity. That intensity usually shows up when you come close to a disturbing memory or anticipate a possible problem in the future. Once the target is identified it becomes easy to do the work.
A feeling or emotion is a natural response to something you experience. The experience can be real or imagined. It can be happening now, remembered from your past, or anticipated in the future. Most systems for change focus on changing your feelings. Logosynthesis (this process) has a different focus--the real or imagined experience that triggered your feeling. Your stuck energy is located in the experience that comes just before your emotional response.
Are you tired? Losing energy is such a common experience that most people barely notice it. Of course, the activities of your daily life regularly use up your energy. The problem is that you often put a lot of energy into worrying about things you can't control, trying to make perfect decisions when good enough is good enough and other useless pursuits. This process is a quick and easy way to find and reclaim this lost energy. It will also help you just stop doing those energy draining activities.
Energy either flows naturally or it gets stuck. This image makes sense to almost everyone. You can understand the image because you have seen the flow of water changed or stopped in many different situations. And you know how to release the flow again by removing whatever is interfering with the flow. It is a problem with a solution. When your energy is stuck it does not mean there is something wrong with you. It is simply a problem of releasing what interferes with your energy flow.
When I was just starting to use Logosynthesis in my practice I was used to being very cautious about asking for information about traumatic situations. That's because clients were reluctant to even think about the past because of the pain it evoked. When I learned to ask a different kind of question about the situation I was surprised at how easy it was for my 17-year-old client to remember and talk about his part of her experience.
Experiencing stress, whether it comes from our own urge to grow and explore or from some outside source, can be either helpful or toxic. When you have the resources to manage a stressful challenge, you may feel a sense of excitement and success as you master a new skill. But you live in a complicated, challenging world and if you don't have the resources you need, the stress becomes toxic. I wrote this book to help you learn a new way to release that stress.
Listening to your true Self is a lot like what many people call listening to your heart or listening to your inner wisdom. Some people even call it listening to your gut. The important part here is learning to pay attention to your inner guidance. That means learning to know the difference between impulses and reactions and a quieter, more subtle messaging system. I hope these few paragraphs help you tune in. Just remember, your true Self is not your ego.
The Logosynthesis sentences still seem magical to me. It isn't at all unusual for someone to trip on some present event that reminds them of a past trauma. During most of the years I practiced psychotherapy it could have taken several sessions of skilled work as a therapist to help my client detach from that trauma. And it probably would have involved him re-experiencing the original trauma. Now, using the sentences, the process is so simple and painless that it can be done in just a few minutes.
Encapsulated pain consumes your available energy. The more energy you used to protect yourself from difficult situations in the past, the less you have available to live your life now. When you feel exhausted, depressed and stuck, it may be because so much energy is stuck protecting yourself from situations you could now manage easily. This book is about helping you reclaim that energy to use in your life now--and to do it simply and easily.
Letting go for a baby means the slow process of becoming an independent human being. But this process shows up in lots of other ways. I have been fascinated at all the times everyone needs to go through this process in everyday life. I am not sure why it's easier for some people than for others. Some people love cleaning out their closets and keeping only things they love. Others, like me, keep thinking, "I might want this someday." It's a strange truth that sometimes we even need to let go of happy things to make room for whatever comes next.
I once read a book that said something like, "you surivied--your parents did their job" and since I was still blaming my parents for what their imperfections had done to me, I was a bit resentful. I hope this helps clear up the expectation that anyone can give another human being everything he or she needs. You react to an imperfect environment by doing the best you can using the limited resources you have at the time. That means shutting down your awareness of it by locking up some of your energy. You have more resources now and it's time to reclaim that energy to use now!
Once upon a time--a long time ago--I over-reacted regularly. I had no idea that my energy was stuck in experiences of being criticized by my father. Now, It's embarrassingly easy to identify because I would yell at my husband for relatively small infractions. Not returning my scissors to the right drawer was enough to set me off. So was putting away the pots in the wrong place. Serving my leftovers when it was his turn to cook would make me furious. I finally learned to be less territorial when he pointed out that I could choose between having his help in household chores or doing everything myself so it would be done correctly! I had to bite my tongue for years before I learned that I was safe even if everything was not the way my father would have wanted it to be. I was criticizing my husband the way my father had criticized me! Now, Logosynthesis makes it easy to remove my father's energy from where it had become frozen within me.
I have a long history of trying to disregard the signals my true Self sends me. Maybe you do to. My own favorite way of tuning out those signals is to eat. I have known clients to use every kind of addictive and compulsive to block these important messages. I think our fantasies of what would happen if we tuned in can seem truly overwhelming. In reality, I have experienced doing so as fascinating detective work. I hope reading about this makes it easier for you to notice the messages of your true Self and find the joy of reconnecting with your essence.
When you learn to do something in order, step by step, you learn to think like everyone else. I have always had trouble with this kind of learning so I had an advantage in learning this new process--Logosynthesis. I like thinking differently. When you learn healing skills you learn to focus on relieving suffering.Psychotherapists are trained to relieve the symptom by helping the client understand why it occurs. Much of western medicine uses medication to relieve symptoms each time they occur. Logosynthesis focuses on what the client experiences just before the symptom occurs--the trigger for the symptom. Once the trigger is identified we use words to dissolve it. Once the trigger is gone, it no longer can stimulate the symptom.
Holding on is easier...at first. Letting go and realizing that I will still be OK without the support is still tough for me so when I wrote this part I wanted to emphasize that this is a normal cycle for everyone. Nearly 50 years after the fact I can still remember my interrupted sleep when my son was a baby learning to pull himself up on the side of his crib. At 5 am I would stagger into the other room, unhook his tiny fists, lay him down, pat his back and try to soothe him back to sleep. I would go back to bed, doze off, hear more wails and repeat the cycle! I was holding on too--to the idea that he should learn faster and let me sleep. I learned, he learned and we repeated the struggle in hundreds of not thousands of ways over the years...
I love doing psychotherapy because it requires me to be "in the zone" with my clients. And I get to hear their fascinating and sometimes heartbreaking life stories. Now, using Logosynthesis as a tool, I still need to be "in the zone" but we no longer need to go through the painful and traumatic stories in order to relieve distress. All we need to know is what is triggering the client's current distress. Once we know that, saying the sentences and reclaiming the energy stuck in the trigger usually provides relief.
I discovered a bit of my own stuck energy many years ago in a yoga class. I was about 30. My teacher encouraged me to do a somersault, saying I was strong enough to do it. I resisted but finally tried it. When I was upside down I started to sob and kept sobbing for a long time. I had no idea why. Later, while studying psychotherapy I connected to the source of the problem. When I was about 4 I was in the surf with my father, he lost his grip on me and I was tossed upside down in salt water for what was probably a few seconds. I don't know what happened immediately afterwards, but 26 years later the trauma associated with the energy that got stuck was triggered by a similar (unusual) physical position.
Past stress does not need to be particularly traumatic to cause current problems. But the truth is that most people have no idea that much current anxiety and stress have very little to do with current events. When you did not have enough resources (love, attention and support from others) when something difficult happened, you tried to manage your distress by focusing on something else. When something current reminds you of your past distress you feel it again. Knowing that is the first step to healing the past so it does not interfere with the present.
Before I learned this process I could and would re-tell my stories of being wronged to whomever would listen. I liked telling my stories! And my friends would listen and share their stories too! A wonderful experience of mutual sharing and support. I knew I should let those stories go, but I just couldn't stop thinking about them. After I learned how easy it was to take my energy out of the story--not exactly forget the story--it just stopped mattering very much--I was no longer very interested in sharing it. I had to find new things to talk to my friends about...
It's not too much of a challenge for me to learn to think of problems as disturbances in the flow of energy. After all, I grew up reading Science Fiction and watching Star Trek. The biggest challenge was to help my readers disengage from thinking about external forces as the source of stress and anxiety that need to be managed. Instead I needed to help them see those events as markers that just direct us to the area we can actually impact--the places energy is blocked. This is the first section in which the idea of blockage in personal energy flow is introduced as important for relief. I develop it throughout the book.
I love the first sentence of this section. It is a part of the preface written by Dr. Willem Lammers, the discoverer of Logosynthesis, the rapid anxiety relief method described in this book. I was a bit reluctant to ask Dr. Lammers for this preface because my approach to teaching his material is so different from his. After all he is a European academic with incredibly deep knowledge of many different areas of healing. I am a non-traditionally trained psychotherapist and adult educator. In any case, I was thrilled with his response and I am delighted to share it with you here.
These are the words of Dr. Willem Lammers, the discoverer of Logosynthesis, the anxiety relieving process described in this book. His discovery was accidental--an intuitive jump he could only make from such a rich professional heritage. I am a professional colleague of Dr. Lammers in the International Transactional Analysis Association. When I was first introduced to this revolutionary method though, I dismissed it. It was not until I experienced it for myself that I understand how powerful it is. My goal is to share that understanding with you so that you can experience that power in your own life.
I used a team of volunteers to help me create and refine this book. Some were professional Logosynthesis practitioners from around the world who readily agreed to join my closed Facebook group. They were all very encouraging but I was concerned about whether someone who knew nothing about this revolutionary new process would find the material useful. Several people in my own community graciously agreed to read the work in progress and give me feedback about it. Karen was one of them. The next response is from a wonderful Swiss corporate consultant who gave me feedback about how to make this more useful to her clients. I am so grateful to all who helped me complete this project.
Truly, when most people look at their distress as a problem in energy flow, the problem becomes easier to solve. Instead of blaming yourself or someone else because of some interpretation--or misinterpretation--or what is happening around you or has happened in the past, you just look for stuck energy. The process for actually releasing the stuck energy involves ONLY using words to guide your true Self to to do the job. Once your energy is flowing again, you simply move on.
As I reread this section I remember how uncertain I was about even telling my good friends about this unusual approach to healing. I did not quite believe in it myself. I only knew that I had experienced some startling personal impacts when a professional friend used it with me. The training we had traveled over 2100 miles each way to attend had been somewhat confusing and results there seemed minor. All I was certain about was that the worst thing that could happen was nothing at all.
This passage tells the story of how I got hooked on this incredibly simple and profound new process. I had heard about it before but didn't sound very plausible to me so I dismissed it. I want to show my readers the results others have experienced to understand the benefits of learning more. I have been a therapist for 45 years. These results continue to startle me even after studying and using the process for over 5 years.
Many of my readers are ashamed of being stressed, feeling anxious and feeling exhausted. I want them to know that these kinds of problems are almost universal challenge for people trying to manage busy lives. This book is about a surprising, recent discovery that allows readers to manage these problems far more easily than every before. Although this is a powerful tool for psychotherapists, coaches and other people helpers to use in their work, almost anyone who wants to can use this book to learn to apply this new rapid stress-relief process to their own lives.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble? Would you like to know how to stay together when everything seems to be falling apart? Reconnect to Rescue Your Marriage: Avoid Divorce and Feel Loved Again has critical information for you. Dr. Weiss reveals thoughtful answers to questions asked by frustrated and scared men and women in desperate situations. Get expert advice on how to figure out: • What does it mean when you hear, “I want more romance?” • How can just one person save a marriage? • Should I ignore my partner's affair? Would you like to know what to do next? Reconnect to Rescue Your Marriage will guide you. Discover how to feel loved and connected to your spouse, avoid divorce and have a happy and successful marriage, starting right now. ‘Here are practical and insightful solutions to problems committed couples encounter in relationships. You’ll recognize yourself and benefit from the new perspectives you find in this gem of a book.” ----Dr. Jim and Ruth Sharon, Authors, Secrets of a Soulful Marriage: Creating and Sustaining a Loving, Sacred Relationship
If you are asking this question, you are definitely not alone. You're probably wondering if you should stay or leave your marriage. Being able to tell the difference between false hope and the real possibility of forgiveness makes a huge difference. Read this book now and learn what to look for. Get your copy now.
So you just had a fight. You were both letting off steam and now you're done. You just want both of you to feel better but you can't figure out to reconnect! And it just keeps happening. Ouch! This book helps you figure out what to do next. Click the order link and start reading your copy now.
I tried to post the Contents of this book that is newly posted to Bublish. I couldn't. To see that you will need to go to the "look inside the book" feature elsewhere. Meanwhile, here is a sample. If you feel disconnected from your partner, the answers to questions others have asked will probably help you reconnect. Check it out.
Are You Squabbling Instead of Communicating? Do you spiral into an argument whenever you try to talk about problems? Are you afraid the only answer is divorce? Would you like to get your relationship back on track? If you are ready to learn to have the conversations that build happy relationships, this resource-rich book will show you how!
Actually, we were both blindsided by our own assumptions about what marriage was supposed to be like. If that happened to you too, this book will help you sort out what you believe from what is actually happening--and help you talk about it too. Start reading it today! Get your copy now.
Are you afraid that if you try to talk about a problem with your husband (or wife) that you'll end up in an argument instead of a conversation? Does that mean that problems never get solved? That's why I wrote this book. Get your copy now!
Learning how to recognize and get out of this situation is one of the most powerful marriage counseling tools I use with couples. If your arguments go around in circles and you never solve anything, this is the book in this series that you need now. Don't wait. Read it and learn to avoid this relationship killing trap.
Are You Ready to Renew Your Relationship? Would you like to dissolve resentments and create the closeness you long for with your life partner? Being Happy Together: What to Do to Keep Love Alive shows you how to focus on what's right in your relationship and what you and your partner want to create together. In less than 10 minutes each day you'll learn: • How to tell the difference between a serious relationship problem and ordinary growing pains • Secrets to rescue relationships that are in trouble • What to do instead of fighting, so you'll feel loved and supported by your life partner • How to recognize the five natural stages of your relationship development so you both can safely navigate it to the next stage • 18 surprising ways to give each other what you really want most Order your copy and get started right now!
Sometimes letting someone else win an argument just to keep the peace is the worst possible thing you can do for your marriage. Sometimes it's the best. How the heck are you supposed to know which is witch? This book is deceptive. Doing these simple activities will make a big difference! Start with this and get the book to learn about 124 more ways to be happy together. Get your copy now.
Once the honeymoon is over and you realize that happily ever after is not what you thought it would be, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you. It just means it's time to learn new skills in order to build a healthy and vibrant relationship. Get a copy of this book and learn how you can do it together in less than an hour a week.
Do You Dream of Having an Incredibly Fulfilling Life Partnership? Get ready to deeply connect with the love of your life. Relationship Tips for Life Partners delivers the essential keys to grow beyond any limits you have and make your dreams come true. Discover these tested tips that couples use to create partnerships as you manage and negotiate challenges in: • Communication • Assigning and Doing Tasks • Setting Necessary Boundaries • Money Matters • And much, much more! These are the gateways you need to have the deep, loving conversations that build a relationship where you share both love and respect in your life together. “This is an amazingly helpful book. I have used the tips as an author/columnist on marriage issues, and after many years in my own marriage, my husband and I found them powerful in creating a deeper, stronger and even more loving relationship.” Dottie Lamm, MSW, Author, Daddy on Board
One couple complained about finger painting with chocolate pudding. "You should have told us to have clean sheets ready!!!" You never know where playing together will lead. Give it a try! Use these tips to create the relationship you really want! Get your copy today.
Life happens. It's way too easy to get involved in just doing what needs to be done. Here are just 3 of the tips that focus on doing what it takes to keep your relationship growing and glowing. Get your copy now!
I remember figuring out that my husband was managing to spend all our extra money on camera equipment--just because it took me longer to decide what I wanted. We needed to talk about it! It took a while to figure out how. Most people hate to discuss money issues and those issues often are huge challenges in relationships. Here are some of the tips we figured out and have used for many years. Get this book now and learn what works!
Here are 4 tips that are the crux of having a successful outcome to a difficult conversation. You may already practice them in a working situation. Allow the time it takes to practice with the one you love. Honor your partner by making sure you listen before you respond.
This book was born from frustration and edited with love by many people. If you follow the tips in this brief book, you will probably transform your relationship. And none of them are difficult.
Is Your Marriage At Risk?If either your or your spouse believes that:•A relationship will only work with the right person.•If a relationship is right, you shouldn’t have to work at it.•If you really loved me, I wouldn’t have to tell you what I want.•Falling out of love means that the relationship is in trouble.•You should avoid hurting your partner’s feelings in order to preserve your relationship.Your marriage is heading for trouble! Real relationships get messy because, even though you think your life partner is just like you, he or she isn't. You are two different people trying to meet the challenge of creating and maintaining a happy and loving relationship without much useful information. Stop Poisoning Your Marriage, this brief, no nonsense, information packed little book, will help you sort out the misconceptions, misunderstandings and challenges of creating the happy, loving and long-lasting relationship you desire and deserve! “This takes "demystifying" relationships to a whole new level. Bravo!” Terri Wilber, CHt, CNLP, Director, Pacesetter Leadership Dynamics, Program Director, PSI Seminars Get your copy now!
If you think you absolutely know what you are supposed to do to create a happy relationship, you may be in for an unpleasant surprise. There is an incredible amount of sensationalism and "fake news" available in the media to keep you confused. Read this book to help you sort out myths from reality. Get your copy now.
Feelings (emotions) are a very important part of being human. But when you let them rule your relationship you are probably in for trouble.
So many people panic when they realize they are no longer in love or even worse when they discover that their new spouse is no longer in love with them. Nobody has told them that this is completely normal. This is the time to start building the loving relationship that will truly support both of you.
Working at a relationship sounds a little grim. It isn't--and it shouldn't be. It is more like paying attention and not taking each other for granted. It's about figuring out what makes you both happy and being sure to keep doing that.
Don't you wish someone understood you so completely that they simply provided what you want without you needing to do anything at all? Me too--at least sometimes. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way. It's one of the biggest marriage myths around.
When Jim Edwards offered to interview us about why so many marriages fail, we were thrilled. But the interview stayed hidden until some of my clients demanded that I make it available. This book is an almost verbatim transcript of that interview.
Are You Ready to Discover Secrets About Marriage Women Need to Know but Seldom Share? Marriage doesn’t come with a manual! Once you get married there are always surprises. When dozens of women shared answers to the question, “What do you wish you had known before you were married?” they discovered they had lots in common. What they shared in Being Married: Secrets Women Wish They Knew will help you have a happier and more satisfying marriage! • Would you like to avoid the heartbreak of making poor choices? • Do you know what triggers you should NEVER ignore – before or after you’re married? • Can you tell the difference between his culture and values and yours? Learning that the fairy tales about marriage are usually not the truth is especially important for women contemplating getting or staying married.
Marriage is full of surprises. If you are wondering if other women feel the way you do, this is the book you need to read. I know this is longer than the other books in this series, but reviewers assure you it's really worth your time. Get your copy today!
If you are secretly wondering what marriage is really like or if your marriage really is different... If you believe it is possible for two to become one... If you are afraid this is your only chance... You need to learn the secrets about marriage that other women share here. Don't wait! Get your copy today.
When you meet someone new you are each probably trying to impress each other. You naturally show off the qualities you hope will impress your new acquaintance. So does he. It make take a long time to move past this step. Read Being Married to learn what may be beneath the nice surface.
Do you think you need to lose yourself in order to keep your relationship or lose your relationship in order to keep yourself? This myth simply isn't true anymore. But you no longer need to do figure out how by yourself. Read this book and let other women share what they have learned.
What do you wish you knew about being married. I have had women married up to 49 years tell me how helpful they found this book. Learning what other women experience can go a long way to relieving the isolation we all experience.
Yikes, the golden rule doesn't work very well. When you give others what you like best, they rarely give it back. When you give them what they like best, they are happier and may give you what you like. This is especially true when you are married to each other.
When I got married, I knew the right way to do things. Did you? Sometimes looking at why you believe something is right gives you interesting insights.
When two try to become one each needs to give up important parts of themselves. That is a setup for future heartbreak. There is a better way!
When I asked "What do you wish you had known before you were married?" women from 8 different countries shared similar answers. This was one of the most common...
I almost didn't write this book, that was originally published as "99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Saying 'I Do.'" The publisher wanted me to fit her series and I was not sure I wanted to and I did not want to do the work of distilling what I knew women needed to know. Then a friend said, "We'll help you." and I realized that I could ask other women, lots of them, to answer my basic question. Actually, there were two questions: "Have you ever been married?" and, if the answer was yes, "What do you wish you had known before you got married?" I had a wonderful time doing the research. I asked the question wherever I was--in the locker room at the Y, in a sewing circle, waiting in line at the post office--you get the idea. The discussions were incredible. On line answers came from 8 different countries, and the resulting distillation of information provided women with information they really needed. The reviews were great. Read it, enjoy--and learn!
Are You Ready to Get Married? Struggling to decide if this is the right man? Wondering if this is the right time and if you will ever really find your soul mate? Find the answers to these critical questions in Are You My Perfect Partner: To Marry or Not to Marry …. Avoid making a huge mistake. Do you wish you knew: • If you should want to get married • What it’s like to be married • Is he the right one for you to marry If you're serious about wanting to make the best possible decision, if you want a satisfying and fulfilling marriage, and if you want to avoid becoming a divorce statistic, you’ll need the answers in this book.
It is so much easier to go along with what people expect you to do about marriage than to follow your dream. But women (and men) who give in usually report that they wish they hadn't. Learn to think clearly about your options in this book. Get your copy now.
Elizabeth is desperately hoping that the answer is no, but she knows intuitively that the answer is yes. Here's why!
What you believe about marriage may not be true any longer. According to the US Census, in 1978, 59% of 18-34-year-olds were married. in 2018 that number had dropped to only 29%. There are lots of reasons for that change but the bottom line is that you don't need to rush into marriage. Use the Secrets of Happy Relationships Series to learn more about what you need to know about getting married.
One of the most common problems couples bring to a marriage counselor is "We just don't communicate!" It's critical to learn to talk about important things before you get married.
The scariest thing to think about here is what is likely to happen if Elizabeth doesn't cancel the wedding...
Getting married used to be for everyone. It is now much more of an individual choice. Now, whether you want or expect to get married depends a lot on your life experiences up until today. If you have had the experience of coming from a family where your parents expected you to go to college--and you did, you are much more likely to expect to marry at some time in your future. On the other hand, if you started your independent life right after high school, or even before that, then you probably have friends who are not particularly interested in marriage. These are social trends and I am not judging, just reporting about them. I don't know why, I just have seen lots of statistics about what seems to be happening. Of course, trends do not speak for individuals and no matter what your background, you may fall into the marrying or not-marrying group. Personally, I believe that deciding to have children is an excellent reason to decide to marry. Children do best when they have loving relationships with adults who care for them. Being married is one way of committing to stay in a relationship and grow together and be there for each other and for your children.
I have posted an entire chapter here. The solution I suggest can be applied to lots of challenges. Try it yourself--even if your challenge is to make a decision about something entirely different.
It is normal to wonder if you are normal. Whether it makes sense or not, we tend to see if we are like other people. We want to fit in and be accepted. It's important to balance this wish with the understanding that there are so many extra forces pushing you to pay attention to what others are doing and to try to fit in, that it's way too easy to lose your connection with who you are and what is right for you. You need to know this, whether or not it will help you get accepted by others. Successfully finding your way in the world is really a balancing act. It's a little bit of trying to answer questions over and over again. Who am I? Who are they? What do I want/need right now (this changes constantly)? How do I fit in? It gets easier with practice, but there is no right answer. You can even learn to enjoy it as much as you enjoyed the swing and teeter-totter when you were a kid.
Wow! Returning to my roots as a marriage counselor and relationship coach is exciting! I have actually never stopped working in this area. I love helping clients sort out important relationship challenges. Relationships, like all living things, grow or die. Very few people understand the normal life cycle of healthy and ultimately happy relationship development. This new series, Secrets of Happy Relationship provides advice to individuals and couples throughout this natural, and sometimes rocky, development. The first book in the series is now available for pre-order. "Are You My Perfect Partner" contain updated versions of writings and ideas put into an easily digestible form to help you navigate your relationship challenges. In this book I answer real questions that both women and men have asked as they decide if this is really the right person to take this important step of actually committing to marry now.
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