Avoid the Circular-Argument Trap—1

In all the years I’ve been helping couples learn to communicate with each other, I’m always amazed at how many of them are frustrated because they can never finish a simple conversation together. In fact, many of them tell me that all conversations end in confusing arguments that only go around in circles.

It doesn’t have to be that way. I am sad that so many relationships end in disaster because couples just don’t know how to get out of the Circular-Argument trap.

If you want to learn to avoid this trap, use these three simple methods to sidestep this challenge. Your conversations really can end with the feeling of completion instead of with an argument.

You may not end up in agreement but at least you will understand each other’s positions.

• First, you need to decide why you are having the conversation in the first place. It can even be as simple as wanting to know what time your partner is going to meet you after work. You really must start with the end in mind.
• Second, no matter what your partner says about some other topic, you need to respond to his or her new topic and also remember why you’re having the conversation.
• Your partner may say he will have a busy afternoon because of a big project. First, say “Yes, I know you’ll be busy.” Then instead of talking about why he’s busy, remember that you want to set a meeting time. If you forget this step you have already accepted his invitation to get back into the circle trap.
• Third, you must remind your partner about the original reason for your conversation. After sympathizing with your partner about how busy he’ll be, REMIND him that all you want to know is what time he can meet you.

Wash, rinse and repeat as necessary.

Some of the couples I’ve worked with find that they’re so addicted to this pattern that it’s necessary to come back to the original question several times before it is answered.

It sounds simple, and it is. But it may not be easy.