The nightly terror is real. And so are the words... Shhhh ... this is our little secret ... don t tell anyone. On the outside, Lori Golden had a perfect childhood. A perfect family. A perfect upbringing. What Lori really had was a perfect house of lies. To the outside ... and within the confines of the walls. The sexual abuse that started at the age of five for Lori Golden became a wall of silent screams. Screams that were hidden from herself and from the world for decades. Until she could do and did the tell. When sexual abuse occurs, you are alone with your abuser, creating a unique kind of aloneness. One that is dark and sinister. You feel hopeless in the belief that you could get better, or the pain could end. Your aloneness becomes so profound that it makes you want to self-destruct, even feel suicidal. You should embrace your story and let your inner abused child speak out. Learn how to love your child within and dedicate yourself to achieving your own personal freedom from its bondage. You lived through the worst of it as a child and survived. You can live freely once again. Lori Golden learned that life is possible after a decade of sexual abuse. Her story ... her recovery ... and now her work as a therapist and speaker has opened doors for thousands.
I reached a point in my recovery from Incest where I understood that dissociation no longer served me. As a child it was adaptive, as an adult it was maladaptive.
I often felt terror as nighttime was approaching. Before I had incest memories it never made sense. My terror inside never matched my outside world just leaving me feeling crazy.
Whenever I received special attention for something I did I felt shame. Every accomplishment led to my wanting to hide. Special attention equaled Daddy's special love.
I only knew to implode with self blame. I had to learn to rage outwardly and not direct it at myself. I was tired of self blame.
Telling my secret was essential to healing from incest. It was a frightening step but necessary. From a young age I was threatened to keep quiet. Confronting these threats was freeing and helped me to feel like I was no longer alone in this.
It was not my shame to carry; it was my father's despicable and shameful behavior that belong to him. Healing from shame is a critical part of the survivor's journey.
Four months into Narcotics Anonymous I remembered this recurring nightmare as a child. I could feel my terror and helplessness in it. I felt I was getting closer to something but what?
I knew there was something very bad in my midst. I still had no memory of incest but was seeing the disparity between my daytime and nighttime functioning. I had come off of drugs and identified myself as a drug addict. I was trying to make sense of something I could not yet see. I just was very aware of my terror at night when the sun went down.
This shows my feelings prior to my remembering the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I didn't know that I had amnesia so my symptoms of terror seemed crazy. I could not understand why I was so gripped by these fears particularly the paranoia of someone "going to get me".
I was tenacious in achieving goals as my life was spiraling out of control.
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