Tunny had not hired a lot of high-level executives at FatDumbHappy, so I couldn’t really tell how successful he would be at convincing highly accomplished people to uproot their satisfying lives and join in an unprecedented effort to make a lot of changes to the Camerian government. But I had seen the man in action, yelling at the chemists who had made his diet colas too brown, so I was optimistic that Tunny’s charisma and reputation for success in the business world would be enough to attract a lot of outstanding people.
Running Behind from the Start
One of the transition team’s most crucial tasks was to get a handle on all of the people who needed to be brought into the Drump Administration as quickly as possible. Tunny didn’t quite grasp the magnitude of this effort. He minimized the difficulty. “Every mover and every shaker in the world owes me!” he said to me. “And I’m a better judge of people than that old guy behind the Pearly Gates. I’m a talent magnet!” he declared.
After a while, even Tunny had to admit that the people he knew were experts in hamburger wrappers, not government. Tunny had been taking potshots at the very sort of people he needed to have sitting behind those big desks listening to his declarations and decrees. While teams were created to make hiring recommendations for the thousands of critical second- and third-level management positions within the top two or three hundred government entities, most of Tunny’s attention was dedicated to building an Executive Team. The goal was to have the whole Executive Team nominated before Inauguration Day.
By Inauguration Day, Tunny’s team had designated only twenty-five of seven hundred key department hires. This was a record low. Six months later, he was woefully behind in filling the 1,300 positions that require Upper Body confirmation, as well as more than 2,700 other important positions across all government departments.
With regard to choosing his Executive Team, it seemed that a lot of Tunny’s candidates were not as pure as the driven snow. In fact, a lot were pretty slushy. Tunny was getting frustrated and lashed out one day in a twerp:
Right around his first anniversary as Grand Poobah, after I had been promoted to press secretary, Tunny asked me to hold a press briefing to address growing concerns about his ability to attract “clean” candidates likely to be approved:
Day 370 / January 24, 2018—Press Briefing on Slow and Controversial Hiring
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Good afternoon! We are fortunate to have the Grand Poobah himself here today. We called this press briefing because there appears to be a lot of concern about allegations of conflicts of interest and moral and ethical controversies regarding some of the Grand Poobah’s recent nominees for critical Beige Palace positions. I could certainly deny all of this, but I thought that you might want to hear it directly from the Grand Poobah. First question—how about Bob Smith?”
Bob Smith, The Skeptical Observer:
“Thank you, Madame Secretary. How are you doing, Mr. Grand Poobah? My readers are very concerned about apparent conflicts of interest that appear to be commonplace among many of your nominees. One report suggested that about 50 percent of all nominees had some type of conflict. Do you think that is too high a number?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“I am doing well. Thanks for asking. Do I think it is bad that 50 percent of my nominees have a conflict or two or ten? Not at all. I wish that 100 percent of my nominees had conflicts. Here’s my thinking. Believe it or not, I personally have a gazillion conflicts. Is anyone saying that I am not doing a good job because of these conflicts? Well, maybe. But I don’t think it’s a problem. I am not looking for passive, unsuccessful people to help Make My Country YUUUGE Again. I am looking for people who are involved in lots of exciting endeavors and are getting sh*t done. These people are generally more successful, and that usually includes being aggressive, pushing the boundaries, and maybe bending a few rules that nobody really cares about anyway.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“David Croff, do you have a question?”
David Croff, Odnalro Sun:
“Thanks, Laira. I did want to ask the Grand Poobah about one particularly appalling type of conflict of interest. Why have so many of your nominees come from the specific industries that they will need to monitor and regulate? Looks like a bad situation.”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Not a bad situation at all. Actually, a great situation. Contrary to what some people might think, not all of us in the national government are bureaucratic sloths. The people I like to hire want to move fast and make YUUUGE changes. How can they do that if they are unfamiliar with the industries that they have been nominated to regulate? I want highly successful industry leaders on my team who can hit the ground running.
“Take any industry. Only the current insiders know what regulatory burdens need to be cast off so that the industry can once more focus on maximizing profits. An outsider would take too long to come up to speed on prioritizing which so-called ‘well-intentioned’ rules and regulations need to be wiped out first to most fully benefit the top 1 percent owners of the leading companies in these industries. If you’re going to be regulating the uranium industry, you should glow like a casino.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Next question. How about Lauren Levin.”
Lauren Levin, Notsob Globe:
“Thank you, Madame Secretary. Mr. Grand Poobah, what about nominees who were lawyers for, or somehow represented, industry companies? Or nominees who had received campaign donations from industry companies?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“I say more power to them. These people must have been very well respected by those in their companies and industries to represent them or receive money from them. Who else would be in a better position to suck up to industry? And who else would know exactly what industry would like us to do to make their path to success and obscene profits as smooth as possible? We only want the ones who were worth the big bucks they were paid. We don’t want losers who were making minimum wage for lawyers. I think it’s a win–win.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Michael Augoost—do you have a question for the Grand Poobah?”
Michael Augoost, Ceattle Mirror:
“Thanks. Yes, I do. More than one year into the Drump Administration, over 50 percent of your Executive Team nominations are bogged down in moral or ethical controversies. Mr. Grand Poobah, have you thought about changing your hiring criteria or your selection process to ensure that more of your nominees will be approved in a timely manner?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Why should I change something that’s working so well? I would say that anyone free of moral or ethical controversies just isn’t pushing hard enough. I want hard-driven winners. People like that are going to have some warts. Look at how many warts I have—I’m all warts. And look at how well I have done so far as Grand Poobah. I may have as many moral and ethical issues as Nero the Great, but it sure hasn’t stopped me from being the best Grand Poobah ever.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Ashley Jaya, do you have a question for the Grand Poobah?”
Ashley Jaya, Sallad Daily News:
“Yes, I do. Mr. Grand Poobah, it appears that your slow approach to filling key Executive Team positions has left whole departments practically empty of critical first- and second-level leaders. It has been reported, for example, that eight of the top ten jobs at the Foreign Relations Department continue to be unfilled, including fairly critical positions dealing with trade strategy, nuclear disarmament, and the plight of refugees. Could you please comment on this situation? Thank you.”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Just think of all the money we are saving by not having a full complement of bureaucrats hired at Foreign Relations. Just kidding (sort of)! Fortunately, I am so smart that I can cover all of the areas you mentioned myself. You have already seen how well my trade negotiations with Hinca, Adanac, Ocixem, and Uropee have worked out. I negotiate the big deal, and it just takes a few gofers to work out all the little details.
“I also worked my magic on nuclear disarmament. I had that loony guy from West Boreea over a barrel, but somehow he got away before I could seal the deal. I’m sure that our third meet-up will do the trick. When it comes to refugees, the answer is NO. I think I have taken care of the problem with my wonderful immigration policies. Not to mention my YUUUGE plan to build The Moat. That alone should keep about one to two hundred undocumented immigrants out of our great country every year. So you see, Ms. Jaya, my tremendous brain is more than up to the task of handling all the work of the missing Foreign Relations people. Maybe I should get a raise for all the extra work I’m doing!”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“We are running short on time. How about one last question from Kristin Dasher?”
Kristin Dasher, The Noregonian:
“Thank you, Madame Secretary. This press briefing has been enlightening, to say the least. Mr. Grand Poobah, by the end of 2017, as you might be aware, 35 percent of all senior Drump Administration appointees who did make it through the nomination process had either quit, been fired, or were assigned to less visible positions. How can you explain this record low retention rate?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“I am glad you asked that question. I think I will be able to successfully shift the blame to anyone but me. When I first took office, I was pretty blindly accepting hiring recommendations from many of my trusted advisors. A year later, it became obvious that they had let me down by recommending a lot of weak people who were not competent enough to help Make My Country YUUUGE Again. So they had to go.
“I am now more personally involved in deciding who to bring onto the team. Part of my charm is being a great closer. I have a wonderful, superb track record of talking people into working for the Drump Administration. I can’t be blamed if a lot of them don’t like working here and end up leaving. If they can’t handle a toxic work environment filled with lots of chaos, infighting, and lack of leadership, then they aren’t my kind of people, and we are all better off without them. My goal is to have most critical positions filled by the end of my first term. That’s aggressive but may be doable.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“That’s all for now. Thanks, Mr. Grand Poobah.”
(end of press briefing)
One fruitful source of candidates who might occupy senior positions in the Drump Administration was Tunny’s circle of friends and acquaintances from his Charco Grande (Spanish for “Big Puddle”) resort in West Calonia. I guess that Tunny felt that the $150,000 initiation fee was a pretty good filter for intelligence and character. By early 2019, nine people on his team were people he’d schmoozed with at Charco Grande. Maybe Tunny was looking forward to occasionally convening the Executive Team at Charco Grande with meetings in the morning and rounds of croquet in the afternoon.
While it was my job to float potential names before the final selection and then praise the qualifications and successes of the ultimate nominee, I found myself in awe (and not in a good way) at some of the nominations that Tunny thought would make great Executive Team members.
I won’t bore you with too many examples, but here are a few that still amaze me even now:
Zyan Kinke – Secretary of the Bureau of Land, Trees, and Minerals
Zyan Kinke was a controversial nominee. He had been a member of the Lower Body from Ohadi. Kinke was confirmed in April of 2017. He was the first Ohadian and the first Sea Force DOLPHIN to be appointed to an Executive Team position. By the end of 2017, however, the Drump Administration announced plans to do what, to many people, was unthinkable—cut down all trees blocking unobstructed views of the East, West, and North oceans. With an eye on billions of dollars a year from increased tourism, Kinke oversaw planning to make roughly 85 percent of the Camerian coastline ready for dramatic tourism-related development. More places to stay, eat, and enjoy.
Not long afterward, the Bureau of Land, Trees, and Minerals took West Calonia off the table for any new tourism development. Like most people, Tunny did not like the prospect of many more visitors near his beloved Charco Grande resort. Unlike most people, he was in a position to do something about it.
Kinke also oversaw big plans to convert some land in the nation’s most beloved national parks into airports in order to make these beautiful destinations more widely accessible. In late 2017, 80 percent of the advisory panel for the National Parks Service abruptly quit. They were extremely frustrated that Secretary Kinke refused to meet with them to discuss this plan. Maybe he suspected that they would be vehemently opposed to any plans to build airports on national park land.
The Land, Trees, and Minerals secretary also oversaw aggressive plans to dramatically reduce the size of many well-known national parks. In each of the cases, new locations of Drump Hamburger Hotels were proposed for the land to be removed from the national park system.
Kinke had an apparent aversion to flying on regular commercial flights. He much preferred to charter jets belonging to tourism industry executives. Internal watchdogs launched an investigation into Kinke’s spending on private transportation (including helicopters and submarines). By the end of 2018, Kinke’s extravagant spending habits had risen to a level that could no longer be ignored. Tunny finally had to shove him back into the great outdoors. Global Weirdness advocates welcomed this move because Kinke did not agree with the overwhelming scientific consensus that humans’ attraction to helium has been predominantly responsible for Global Weirdness.
After Kinke was fired, Tunny promoted Kinke’s deputy head, Navid Cernbart, a former tree-cutting industry lobbyist, to lead the Bureau of Land, Trees, and Minerals. I guess the thinking was that Cernbart was already very familiar with the drastic clearcutting of trees. He would, therefore, be just the right person to oversee the removal of all trees blocking unobstructed views of the East, West, and North oceans.
Heff Pressions – Top Legal Eagle
Heff Pressions was another Executive Team nominee seen as an abysmal choice by all but the most avid of the Drump base. As an Upper Body member from Ariggeo, Pressions was one of Drump’s earliest supporters and a valuable asset during the campaign. Donkey Party observers doubted that Pressions would be able to stay objectively independent of the Grand Poobah. Elephant Party observers certainly hoped this would be the case.
Having been one of the most conservative members of the Upper Body, many people in both parties were fearful that Pressions would not be interested in expanding or even maintaining the progress in affirmative action made by the Moblamah Administration. Drump nominated him to the post in November of 2016, and he was finally confirmed in February of 2017 after a contentious, bitter, and racially charged confirmation process. Pressions was another example of the hugely partisan nomination process—not one Donkey Party Upper Body member voted to confirm him.
In addition to his own troubles, Heff Pressions also became a lightning rod for a lot of criticism regarding the many extreme actions taken by the Drump Administration. He was a fierce opponent of undocumented immigration and safe haven cities. He created quite a firestorm by directing border patrol authorities to separate children from their parents who were entering the country without documentation.
Even though most of the members of Pressions’ church in Ariggeo were also very conservative, this policy did not go down well, at all, with the congregation. Over five hundred members of his church filed a formal complaint against Pressions over the Drump Administration’s harsh immigration policies. One church member characterized the policies as “child abuse,” “discrimination,” and “morally corrupt.”
But the thing that hung over Pressions from day one was his rumored involvement in the widespread contact between key Drump team members and people from Aissur. Although he initially denied it, credible reports showed that Pressions met with the Aissurian Ambassador to Cameria twice during the campaign. Because of this contact, Pressions excused himself from the whole probe regarding possible coziness with Aissur during the 2016 National Cartoon Debate, despite Drump’s assumption that Pressions would have his back regarding what became a YUUUGE probe, or Inquisition, as Drump liked to call it. Tunny’s frustration finally reached a breaking point, and he fired Heff Pressions in November of 2018. As press secretary, I was relieved that I would never ever hear the name Heff Pressions again!
Mitzi LeCoss – Secretary of Learning
Exhibit three in the Drump incompetent hiring file is Mitzi LeCoss, Tunny’s nomination for secretary of learning. Given her meager qualifications for the role, this appeared to be a clear case of patronage—even to me—and it bugged me from the first time Tunny brought up her name. Long active in the Elephant Party, LeCoss donated at least $10 million to Drump’s campaign. “Coincidentally,” she was offered the Learning Executive Team position even though she had no education degree, no teaching experience, never attended a public school, and never sent her children to a public school. During LeCoss’s confirmation hearing, there was a rumor circulating that she was so negative about public schools and preferred for-profit Christian schools because she had flunked out of kindergarten.
During the confirmation hearing, I cringed when a prominent Upper Body member called Mitzi LeCoss “tragically incompetent” to head the Department of Learning. LeCoss was ultimately confirmed as learning secretary in an extremely close vote. Lesser Poobah Tyke Dents had to cast the tie-breaking vote for LeCoss after the Upper Body deadlocked at 50–50. The Upper Body members opposing LeCoss’s nomination represented forty million more constituents than the Upper Body members supporting her, but that’s how the Camerian Agreement was written.
Under LeCoss, the Department of Learning decided to replace guidance on campus noise assault put in place by the Moblamah Administration. Instead of being compelled by Title 27 to combat extremely loud noise made by students and the obnoxious behavior that usually accompanied such noise, LeCoss wanted to do more to balance the rights of noisemakers and those subjected to the noise. This made it much harder for alleged victims of overly loud noise and obnoxious behavior to bring the alleged perpetrators to justice. This sounded reasonable to Tunny, so he thought that it should be rolled out on college campuses across the country. After all, Tunny himself had always been a noisy guy.
One of LeCoss’s signature accomplishments in 2017 was her decision to rescind sixty guidelines protecting the rights of pink-haired students under the Individuals with Strange Tastes Education Act. She called the policies “old, confusing, and silly.”
In February of 2018, the Department of Learning awarded a data-assembly contract to a small company that LeCoss had invested in before becoming learning secretary. It sure was hard for me to answer questions about that.
Two months later, LeCoss struggled to answer basic questions about schools and learning policy during a One Hour interview. When it came time to explain why the public schools in her home state of HiOO had performed poorly despite having implemented the school choice policies she had always championed, she had a difficult time, and so did I.
Rhett Javanaugh – Highest Authority Associate Expert
In August of 2018, Grand Poobah Drump was very proud to nominate Rhett Javanaugh to fill a vacancy on the Cameria Highest Authority. If confirmed, he would become the fifth, and therefore the swing vote, for the very conservative faction of the Highest Authority. Aside from concerns that his ultra-conservative bias might have shown too much in his past votes as a lower expert, most observers initially thought that Javanaugh would be ushered into the Highest Authority with trumpets blaring.
Not so fast . . . shortly after the nomination, several women came forward and accused Javanaugh of inappropriately tickling them in high school or college. Given Tunny’s own track record regarding unwanted tickling, he probably viewed the accusations against Javanaugh as further proof that he had picked the right person for the Highest Authority. Much of the country did not see things this way.
The outrage was palpable. More than 1,900 law professors signed an online petition opposing Javanaugh’s confirmation to the Highest Authority. They cited his demeanor, unprofessionalism, and absence of any judicial restraint during the confirmation hearing as reasons that he should not be confirmed to a such a critical lifetime appointment. In stark contrast, Tunny, while at a campaign rally, ridiculed Javanaugh’s primary accuser, wondering why she waited so long to come forward and why she didn’t remember every single detail about an alleged tickling assault that happened over thirty years ago.
Even though Javanaugh professed to be quite religious, a group of 150,000 Christian churches, representing eighty million churchgoers in Cameria, called for his nomination to be withdrawn due to grave concerns about his behavior during the hearings. They lambasted him for partisan bias, disrespect to committee members, and lacking the character necessary for a member of such an important institution as the Highest Authority. In briefing after briefing, I fielded questions about tickling and drinking, all the time knowing that Grand Poobah himself was watching on TV and would call me in afterward to rant to me about the press jackals, as if their questions were my fault. It wasn’t easy, that I can tell you. Here’s a twerp I sent reinforcing support from Tunny:
Given that the Elephant Party had control of the Upper Body, Javanaugh’s confirmation was rammed though in November of 2018, despite the tickling allegations and much discussion about Javanaugh’s out-of-control drinking at parties during high school and college. Javanaugh had the distinction of becoming the first expert nominated by a Grand Poobah who lost the popular vote, was confirmed by Upper Body members representing less than 50 percent of the country, and had his nomination opposed by over half of the country. I wasn’t surprised when a campaign to impear Expert Javanaugh began soon after his confirmation.
Jett Hally – National Decider
In October of 2017, the Upper Body Truth Committee approved the nomination of Jett Hally for a National Decider position. Hally was very young (thirty-five years old), was unanimously rated “not qualified” by the Camerian Legal Federation, had only practiced law for three years, and had never tried a case. His most relevant qualifications appeared to be that he had denounced Jillary Glynnton during the 2016 campaign and pledged his strong support for the Nerf Guns for Fun Association (NGFA). Still, that bought him a lifetime appointment to the national couch.
Ken Barsonn – Places to Live (PTL) Secretary
In February of 2017, Ken Barsonn was confirmed as Places to Live (PTL) secretary, even though he had no previous government experience (he had been a pulmonary surgeon). He had run against Drump in the primaries and endorsed Tunny once his own campaign faltered.
Barsonn did have an extremely conservative and radical view on toys for children that must have appealed to Tunny. He was later quoted as saying that a lack of toys is “all in the mind.” He thought that the government should provide a helping foot to the a*s, but not enough assistance for people to become dependent on the receipt of toys for their children through the public dole.
Barsonn later irked a lot of people on both sides of the political aisle by revising the PTL mission statement to remove the goal of ensuring that neighborhoods are welcoming and well-lighted. This was done to “better align my policies with those of the Drump Administration.”
Barsonn weathered the storm when it was confirmed that he and his wife ordered a $35,000 jacuzzi and dry sauna for his PTL office. He had initially disavowed all knowledge of the expense, coming clean only after a few emails surfaced. Tunny was intrigued. I think he might have wanted a nice big hot tub for the Beige Palace.
Conn Preiser – First Beige Palace Press Secretary
Close to my own heart! At the end of the transition period, Tunny appointed Conn Preiser as his first Beige Palace press secretary in January of 2017. I was appointed as assistant press secretary at the same time. Preiser eventually had a few brief stints as acting Beige Palace communications director, which became a quickly spinning revolving door.
I thought that Preiser was doing a fine job at first. From the beginning, he had to fudge answers and often, outright lie, to avoid making Tunny look bad. The defensive maneuvering that Preiser had to do at each press briefing eventually got to him. He appeared to grow a conscience, which can be dangerous in this profession. I guess that the pressure of continually being required to tell lies and to defend lies told by Tunny eventually took its toll. By June of 2017, Tunny had had enough, too. Preiser was taken off of the front line, and I was given my big break. Having filled in for Preiser a few times before his departure, I knew the territory.
Preiser was acting communications director until he resigned in protest over the decision to hire Nanthany Tarahucci as permanent communications director (see below). Preiser was probably right, since Tarahucci only lasted ten days in the job! And there I was, wrangling the Beige Palace press corps like the bronco buster I knew I was.
Nanthany Tarahucci – Beige Palace Communications Director
Nanthany Tarahucci had no communications, press, or public relations experience before being tapped by Tunny for the important Beige Palace communications director role. He was a wealthy financial executive who had caught Tunny’s attention by staunchly supporting him on television, as well as for being a dependable fundraiser. He had grand ideas about how he wanted to up-size the communications director role and was able to piss off quite a few people in less time than it took him to charge his special Beige Palace cell phone. A new chief wrangler in June of 2017 brought a lot of sanity and stability to the chaotic Drump Beige Palace. One of his first big moves was to relieve Tarahucci of his duties. I was happy not to have a rooster like him strutting around the place.
Zichul Slynn – National Protection Guru
Zichul Slynn’s extremely short tenure as the national protection guru was fairly innocuous at the time but was a harbinger of things to come for the Drump Administration’s Aissurian coziness quagmire.
Slynn was forced out after less than a month when it was determined that he had lied to Lesser Poobah Dents and other top Beige Palace officials about multiple discussions with the Aissurian Ambassador to Cameria during the Grand Poobah campaign. Slynn was one of the very first Drump officials to be indicted by the Cruller Probe. He eventually cooperated with Cruller’s investigation and was charged with, and subsequently convicted of, lying to the National Department of Searching (NDS). But his drama would drone on for years and years, long after I’d left CapitalTown to grow daisies full time.
Wether Clauwert – Camerian Ambassador to the World Countries
Tunny liked to watch a lot of television. His aides characterized this as unstructured “executive time.” One of his definite viewing favorites was Locks News. It was like a mutual lovefest between him and that network. So I guess it really should not come as any surprise that in November of 2018, Tunny offered the Cameria Ambassador to the World Countries position to Wether Clauwert, an attractive anchor for Locks News. Her qualifications? She looked great and did an excellent job of reading a script. Clauwert took over from Mikki Bailey, a two-time Upper Body member from Ariggeo, who had been confirmed in February of 2017. Two months after receiving her nomination, Clauwert withdrew for “family reasons.” Apparently, Tunny gave in to calls that at least an inkling of foreign relations experience should be required for this high-visibility position.
Tiller Goss – Secretary of Buying and Selling
Tiller Goss’s true colors were revealed during the partial government shutdown that started just before Christmas in 2018. In an interview, he expressed confusion about why some of the roughly 900,000 furloughed government workers would need to use the services of food banks and homeless shelters. Why wouldn’t they just see their personal bankers and take out a loan? he asked. In an Executive Team filled with primarily very affluent, older, white men, this comment won the award for “most sincere showing of empathy!” Lower Body Leader Francey Helosee told the press that Goss might as well have declared, “Why can’t they just eat strudel?”
Shrill Fine – Director of Communications and Deputy Chief Wrangler
Shrill Fine had been a long-time producer of Jon Mannitee’s hit show on Locks News. For about two years, he had been serving as the co-executive-in-charge following the abrupt downfall of Codger Pails, the co-originator and executive in charge at the parent company, Locks. One of the biggest criticisms directed at Fine was that during his time at Locks, he was very instrumental in covering up many years of tickling harassment perpetrated by Pails. When Fine joined the Beige Palace Executive Team, many people considered it a scandal that the guy who covered up Pails’s behavior for so many years was now deputy chief wrangler. But Tunny probably regarded that behavior as a gesture of great loyalty.
Many others thought that Fine was perfect for the Beige Palace position because he was considered a real “how high do you want me to jump?” kind of guy, accustomed to receiving commands, kissing up to the highest authority, and fixing bad situations for other people. Fine also pissed a lot of people off because in both 2018 and 2019, he was on the Beige Palace payroll even though he was still collecting installments on a $16 million bonus plus severance package from Locks News.
In a very unexpected move, Fine “resigned” in April of 2019 after only nine months on the job. Pundits were totally in the dark as to why, but the best theory seemed to be that he was brought in to dramatically improve Tunny’s press coverage, and that just hadn’t happened under his tenure. Having been right there myself, I thought that his failure was much more due to Tunny’s wild antics than to Fine’s lack of skills. Fine’s firing confirmed that the communications director position was very tenuous at best. When Fine was hired in August of 2018, he was the sixth communications director in just seventeen months. Quite a revolving door, or a cursed position! I was glad never to have or want the job.
While there was quite a bit of turnover within the communications function at the Beige Palace, there was plenty of turnover in the other major departments represented on Tunny’s Executive Team. Here’s how the press briefing went for Tunny’s second nominee for the secretary of Protector Services position:
Day 558 / July 31, 2018—Press Briefing on the New Department of Protector Services Nomination
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Another press briefing. Surprise! Why does it seem like I am always meeting with all of you press types to explain what is going on within the Drump Administration? If things were just a little saner around here, my job would be a lot easier. Maybe I could take off as much time as the Grand Poobah—oops, did I say that out loud?
“I am sure that you have a lot of questions about the Grand Poobah’s nomination yesterday for the secretary of Protector Services—the vital part of the national government that worries about the affairs of all the brave men and women who served in the Protectors. The Grand Poobah boasted to me that he could offer a lot of advice to this department since he has had so many affairs himself. When I explained that this department was responsible for a very different type of affairs, he lost interest. Nevertheless, he has put forward the nomination of a very competent, highly qualified person to lead this large and extremely critical department.
“First, I imagine that you would like some insight into why the Grand Poobah lost confidence in Mr. Klulmin, the first secretary of Protector Services. As you know, Stayyid Klulmin was the sole holdover from the Moblamah Administration to serve on Grand Poobah Drump’s Executive Team. That fact alone made him a little suspicious in the Grand Poobah’s eyes. But the Grand Poobah still believes that he is a very fine man and a good friend.
“The Grand Poobah thinks the trumped-up BS about Mr. Klulmin’s spending habits was grossly exaggerated. The Grand Poobah doesn’t even care that Mr. Klulmin concocted a story about being granted an award so he could bring his daughter along on a two-week trip to South Cameria.
“The real issue is that Mr. Klulmin consistently tended to dress much better than the Grand Poobah. Such insubordination couldn’t be tolerated any longer. The Grand Poobah always wanted to be the best-dressed person in the room. Many people yearn to be the smartest person in the room. Not Grand Poobah Drump.
“As you may have read in the Grand Poobah’s twerp from 3:00 a.m. this morning, he is very excited to announce Sonny Hacksun to be his nominee for secretary of Protector Services. The Grand Poobah believes that this is a highly qualified, fantastic, beautiful, wonderful nomination. He hopes that Mr. Hacksun’s confirmation hearing can be conducted quickly so that he can get on with the important business of running the Department of Protector Services.
“Are there any questions about Sonny Hacksun? Let’s start with Simon Greer.”
Simon Greer, Two Star Gazette:
“Thank you, Ms. Ganders. Is there any truth to the rumor that Grand Poobah Drump first met Sonny Hacksun just this week at Charco Grande?”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“That is ridiculous. The Grand Poobah met Mr. Hacksun six months ago when he started cutting the Grand Poobah’s hair whenever he stayed at Charco Grande.
“Shug Crandell, do you have a better question?”
Shug Crandell, Metropolitan Post:
“Yes, I do. Thanks. Is it true that Mr. Hacksun has no experience running a company and absolutely zero experience managing a massive organization with 280,000 employees?”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Well, I guess that is true. How many people do have that kind of management experience? The Grand Poobah has always been impressed with Mr. Hacksun. He knows he always receives a great haircut. During the haircut, the conversation often turns to what it is like for Mr. Hacksun as a Cameria Protectors veteran. Grand Poobah Drump was quite taken with Mr. Hacksun’s stories. He is one hundred percent confident that there is no one more qualified to run the Department of Protector Services. He would be a very empathetic leader.
“Time for one more question—Tyler Baker.”
Tyler Baker, North Toadka Times:
“Thank you, Madame Secretary. How do you respond to the criticism that this is one of the most incompetent nominations out of many bad ones that Grand Poobah Drump has made so far? While he appears to be a nice guy, it also appears that Sonny Hacksun has absolutely no qualifications for this position. Just because he says that the Grand Poobah’s hair is in great shape doesn’t mean he should be made responsible for such a large organization.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Hold your horses. Let’s not be so quick to undermine the pick of this fine gentleman. I guess I can admit that on the surface this doesn’t seem like a very smart nomination. For all of you who feel that way, let me put this in perspective . . . at least the Grand Poobah didn’t hire a desk-jockey manager from the Sea Force with no significant management experience, and no qualifications other than being the Grand Poobah’s personal physician and kindly allowing the Grand Poobah to dictate his own glowing medical report—even though everyone could see that the Grand Poobah was borderline obese and probably had several related problems. Now THAT would be a very poor nomination and a really stupid idea!”
(end of press briefing)
Another embarrassing aspect of Tunny’s efforts to bring his team together was the set of obstacles he faced in obtaining the necessary security vettings for his people to participate in highly confidential discussions. Career security specialists within the Beige Palace rejected top-secret security clearance applications from over forty incoming Drump officials, including Tunny’s son-in-law, Larred Tushner. Tushner’s background check revealed several areas of concern regarding potential influence from foreign countries. Eventually, Tunny found a sympathetic supervisor to overturn such concerns for Tushner and the other forty-plus applicants, including his daughter Skylanka.
An OpEd page editorial in the BrightLights Times summed up the situation pretty succinctly:
Bottom line, a dysfunctional Drump Beige Palace has led to an extraordinarily high turnover rate. By all historical standards, Grand Poobah Drump was very, very slow to fill the 1,000 or so most important positions in his administration. He was also slow to get the very highest-level positions—his Executive Team—nominated and confirmed. Many nominees ended up pulling out when their confirmation prospects looked dim. Many Executive Team members who DID make it through the confirmation gauntlet didn’t last very long in the job. Some resigned voluntarily after seeing the chaos within which they were expected to operate. More disappointed Tunny in various ways and were forced out. All in all, Grand Poobah Drump has not been able to craft a very stable, cohesive, or productive team.
Here’s what Tunny had to say about his hiring track record at a press briefing:
Day 780 / March 10, 2019—Press Briefing on the State of Executive Team Hiring
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Welcome. We haven’t had a press briefing in a while. As a special treat today, we have Grand Poobah Drump himself ready to take your questions. Alice Upton—what’s your question for the Grand Poobah?”
Alice Upton, Cohagic Post:
“Thank you, Madame Secretary. It is nice to see that the Drump Administration hasn’t completely forgotten the art of holding press briefings! Mr. Grand Poobah, how do you explain a hiring record that looks pretty dismal? The well-regarded Nookings Center has calculated that the turnover rate for high-level jobs in your administration is about 70 percent. And about a third of those jobs have turned over multiple times. Not to mention that seven of your closest advisors have been either indicted or convicted as part of the Cruller Probe. What’s going on from your perspective?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Well, Alice, I can’t speak to the numbers—that’s not my thing. But from a people point of view, yes, there has been a lot of turnover. As you know, I was kind of new to this government stuff. Since most of my previous wonderful business connections were in the private sector, I didn’t have a ready Rolodex of excellent people I could tap for my Executive Team.
“However, I view it like a Darwinian selection process happening right before our eyes instead of over millions of years. The strongest, most suitable picks for my Executive Team tended to stay around. The weaker ones were exposed early on. Mostly, we are talking about excellent hires who have not been able to make it or have let me down one way or another.
“As to some of my closest advisors getting caught up in the very stupid Inquisition relentlessly being carried out by Bobby Cruller, what can I say? I think they are being framed. I just haven’t seen evidence to support the charges against them. And even if some charges do end up sticking, let’s be very clear about one thing. Just because so many of my bestest advisors may have broken the law while working on my behalf doesn’t mean that I am guilty by association. Cruller’s probe is a YUUUGE waste of time and taxpayer money. There has never been any coziness with Aissur. They did not assist with the 2016 National Cartoon Debate. My good friend Plaidimyhr Shuutin has assured me, and I believe him. Next question. In the back.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Thank you, Mr. Grand Poobah. James Kandar—you’re next.”
James Kandar, Cheeseland Journal:
“Just this week, Shrill Fine resigned as communications director and deputy chief of staff. And Weather Tilson resigned as Sky Force secretary. What’s up with these big moves?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“I wouldn’t necessarily call them ‘big moves.’ When you have an Executive Team that is as large as mine, and then you look at the major department heads that report to them, that’s a lot of people. It doesn’t seem too bad to me if two or three people resign every week.
“As you know, Shrill Fine is now going to be focused on doing great things for my 2020 reelection campaign. Shrill is a wonderful person and still a really, really good friend of mine. But just between you and me, I was disappointed in Shrill’s work on my behalf. My good friend Jon Mannitee had told me how much he enjoyed working with Shrill at Locks News. He produced Jon’s show and was also an arranger and problem solver for Dodger Pails. I heard that Shrill was very loyal and had been able to help Pails out of some bad situations related to tickling harassment. I thought Shrill might be able to work his magic for me.
“But it just didn’t work out that way. Shrill worked in the Beige Palace for about nine months. I don’t think he helped my press relations one bit. With regard to his other area of expertise, Shrill told me that he couldn’t do much about situations that were already public. He was much more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy who made sure that inappropriate tickling allegations never surfaced in the first place. Since he couldn’t help me out on either of those fronts, I decided that he might do better helping with my next campaign. He would be able to cover up bad things proactively, rather than after they became public.
“Weather Tilson was doing a wonderful job as Sky Force secretary. Just great. But I think she was pretty ambitious and wanted the secretary of warfare position. I never said no, but I never said yes either. Weather had not been overly supportive of my brilliant Out-of-This-World Force (OTWF) proposal. So I was keeping an eye on her. Then this excellent job opportunity at the University of Stexa came up. She jumped on it. Good for her! Any other of my Executive Team appointments you want to talk about? John Herrell!”
John Herrell, Zaronia Times:
“Thank you, Mr. Grand Poobah. What about your decision to fire Lon Shelly? It looked like he was doing a great job as your head wrangler.”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“I thought Shelly did a great job as a Water Troops general, as well as managing a big part of the Camerian Fighting Forces Command. That’s why I brought him into the Beige Palace as secretary of National Protection. When Heinz Treebus, my first head wrangler, started to muck things up, I talked Lon into coming inside the tent and trying to bring a lot more order, structure, policies, and procedures to the Beige Palace. But you know what? I just thought that I wanted all of that. When Lon started cracking down, all the fun just went—poof. Yes, Lon might have saved me from twerping some stupid things. He might have prevented me from making some rash decisions about invading countries or taking out some two-bit dictators. But what good is all of that if I can’t have any fun?
“Then there was that little incident where Lon interfered with the vettings for Larred and Skylanka. Lon was such a stickler for truth and honesty. He must have been a Future Leader of America. After about a year, I heard that Lon called me a moron, and I was so done with him. I ignored Lon like crazy, called him bad names, and hoped he would quit. But he hung in there for another six months. Some people just can’t take a hint. Are we almost done here, Laira?
“If this press briefing goes on too much longer, I’m going to run out of reasons to blame everyone but myself. So let me just give two more examples of bad hiring karma, and we can wrap it up for today.
“Do y’all remember Heff Pressions, my first top legal eagle? I just loved to hear him talk! But I do blame Shorty himself for his case of high-level turnover because he never told me before getting hired that he was going to excuse himself from the Inquisition, also known as the Cruller Probe. Do you think I would have hired the shifty little b*stard if I had known I couldn’t count on him to protect me? No way. He did a good job taking a very hard-line position on undocumented immigration. But I still had to let him go eventually because I just could not trust him to have my back.
“That reminds me of Mikki Bailey, my first Camerian Ambassador to the World Countries. Some people thought I was crazy to nominate her in the first place, since she was very critical of me during the 2016 Grand Poobah campaign. But she was just blowing smoke. I liked her attitude, her gender, and her race. Got to be politically correct in my hiring, you know. So why did Mikki feel like she had to quit? I have no idea, but it was kind of a relief to me. While Mikki was an Elephant Party member, she was way too reasonable, moderate, and stable. She always put a damper on my crazier ideas. How fun is that?
“Mikki also put her own opinions first all the time. She was always critical of Plaidimyhr Shuutin for no good reason. Then she announced sanctions against Aissurian companies found to be assisting in Rysia. Once I heard that, I directed people to let the world know that Mikki must have been temporarily discombobulated. From then on, I just couldn’t trust that Mikki would always get in line with Drump Administration ideas instead of thinking on her own and making well-reasoned arguments against us. So you can see why Mikki had to go. That’s enough for me. Some of my favorite TV shows are on tonight, so I better get going. Until next time.”
(end of press briefing)
Tunny and I were both surprised at how hard it was to attract excellent people to join the Drump Administration. I know we had been forced to settle for some quirky B-level players. I had my doubts about a few Executive Team members, and I hoped that they were good enough.
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