One of Tunny’s strongest motivations to run for Grand Poobah was his desire to enrich himself as well as his buddies in the top 1 percent of Camerian money earners. During the election campaign, I helped Tunny give excellent lip service to lifting the financial prospects of the working class. I was surprised that this worked as well as it did, given that he had no direct experience that would help him relate to this significant part of the voting population. This was a man who wouldn’t know a time clock from a slot machine. Luckily for Tunny, this demographic had even less of a connection to his opponent, Jillary Glynnton. I firmly believe that Tunny’s gender was the deciding factor when the working class chose who to support for Grand Poobah.
Tax Reductions
Tunny and his closest advisors shrewdly calculated that the easiest and most profitable way to provide real and substantial financial gains for the top 1 percent while still providing hope for the rest of the country was to dramatically overhaul the revenue guide and provide tax reductions for “everyone.”
Although Tunny boasted about having the most productive first year of any Camerian Grand Poobah, in the real world, his only achievement (and this is certainly debatable!) in his first year was the Wealth Redistribution Act Through Taxes (WRATT), which delivered tax reductions for corporations and the people who own them, while providing minimal relief to most everyone else. I calculated that I would make an extra $400 a year, enough for ten cheeseburgers a month, while Drump’s pals could use their extra money to buy cheeseburger factories.
Two weeks before the WRATT was passed by the Lower Body, Tunny incorrectly proclaimed that the WRATT would cost wealthy citizens like himself “a ton of money.” In reality, impartial analysts calculated that Tunny and his family would save over $1 billion. That’s a lot of cheeseburger factories. Here’s what he twerped:
After very little debate and support by not a single Donkey Party Upper Body or Lower Body member, the WRATT was ultimately signed into law by Tunny in December of 2017. The final legislation was projected to add $2 trillion to the already historically high National Obligation as it slashed tax rates for public companies, provided a slew of new tax reductions for private companies, and changed the revenue guide for individuals to favor the extremely wealthy over the middle- and lower-income taxpayers. Upper Body member Dark Harner of the Donkey Party called the Elephant Party’s WRATT “the most appalling legislative tragedy that has ever been foisted on the Camerian people.”
While Tunny‘s failure to repeal the whole Reasonable Health Law (RHL), better known as “Moblamahcare,” was very embarrassing and highly visible, he gained some partial revenge by repealing the RHL’s required coverage provision as part of the WRATT. Repealing this part of the RHL would result in millions of Camerians losing healthcare insurance coverage and dramatic rate increases for those who were covered. I was lucky that I worked for the national government and had good insurance.
The final Elephant Party tax bill was a great sleight of hand. While 2018 taxes would be lower for 90 percent of all taxpayers, within ten years, 60 percent of taxpayers would have higher tax bills, and 95 percent of the actual tax reductions would go to the wealthiest 1 percent of all taxpayers. No one seemed to recognize these facts, not even at my press briefings, which made my life much easier.
Although Tunny wanted to postpone signing the WRATT into law until 2018 so that he could have more time vacationing at Charco Grande, he was goaded into signing the bill by conservative talk show hosts. They wanted him to be able to proclaim a big legislative win in 2017.
Not long after signing the WRATT into law, Tunny told his friends at Charco Grande, “All of you just became a lot wealthier!” They beamed. Not too much later, Lower Body Leader Daul Cryan stuck his foot in his mouth by touting how an average secretary would earn a whopping dollar and fifty cents more per week under the WRATT. That’s hardly a hamburger.
One of Tunny’s biggest selling points for the WRATT was his projection that over $5 trillion in cash accumulated overseas would be brought home by the promise of not taxing Camerian corporations when they repatriated profits earned by foreign subsidiaries. Unfortunately, nine months after the WRATT was passed, only $100 billion in cash had been repatriated. Once again, real-world behavior vastly differed from politically motivated projections.
Less than a year after passage of the WRATT, several significant aspects of the plan were not working out as anticipated by Tunny and other Elephant Party leaders. Not that any reporter ever asked me about it. It wasn’t flashy or trashy enough for them. Within days after Tunny visited a Karley-Mavison golf cart factory, the company took a huge tax reduction, closed a major factory in Seetennes, and gave shareholders a $900 million windfall through a stock repurchase plan. The company laid off seven hundred workers and announced plans to relocate the production to a factory in Hinca. So much for the WRATT helping Camerian manufacturers and keeping jobs onshore.
Here’s a transcript of a press briefing that Tunny gave about the Wealth Redistribution Act Through Taxes (WRATT):
Day 338 / December 23, 2017—Press Briefing on the WRATT
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Hello, everyone! Today we are fortunate to have Grand Poobah Drump himself available to answer any questions that you might have about the Wealth Redistribution Act Through Taxes that the Grand Poobah signed into law just yesterday. It is quite a signature milestone for this administration, and he looks forward to answering all of your questions.
“Let’s start with Joe Gonzalez—what would you like to ask the Grand Poobah, Joe?”
Joe Gonzalez, Backwater Post:
“Thanks, Madame Press Secretary. I do have a question that is surely on everyone’s mind—is this an equitable act that will benefit all Camerians?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Laira, why does the first question need to come from the BackPo? Ever since that rich dude from SpendAlotOnline.com bought the paper, it has been the poster child for trumped-up BS. His question sounds a little suspicious. Is he trying to trick me or out-intellectualize me? I know he won’t be able to, so I will go ahead and answer this question, even though I don’t think I should need to.
“I would like to assure everyone that the tax reductions we just passed will benefit all Camerians. But just not all at the same time. That would cost too much, so my team of brainiacs came up with a brilliant plan. Actually, I came up with the beautiful, brilliant plan because I am a certifiable LENSA person, and they just kind of worried about the little details because that’s what I pay them to do. What we are going to have are alternate tax breaks every other year. So, in even years like 2018, all people who have last names starting with A through M will get wonderful tax reductions. In odd years like 2019, all people who have last names starting with N through Z will get their wonderful tax reductions.
“I can’t believe no one has ever thought of this fantastic idea before. And a huge side benefit is that it will keep a lot of tax professionals fully employed. Can you imagine what would have happened if we had implemented a truly simple tax code? There would be chaos and mass layoffs of no-longer-necessary tax professionals and wealth management advisors. People from Sharles Waub and Lerrill Minch would be wandering the streets begging for stock options.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“I see a question from Erin O’Leary. What would you like to ask the Grand Poobah today?”
Erin O’Leary, The Observer:
“Thanks, Ms. Ganders. Grand Poobah Drump, is it true that the Act is so long that no one in the Lower or Upper Bodies read the whole document before voting on it?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“That is true. It just goes to show that we need to improve our schools so that people can read much faster. The massive size of the act did allow my minions—I mean, my people—to add some special provisions such as extra-special tax breaks all the time for all people who have last names starting with D.”
Erin O’Leary, The Observer:
“But Mr. Grand Poobah, your last name starts with D!”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Really? That is quite a coincidence.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“George Robbins, what’s your question for the Grand Poobah?”
George Robbins, OCD:
“Thank you, Madame Press Secretary. Mr. Grand Poobah, is it true that most of the tax breaks in this act go to corporations? If so, how is this fair to the average Camerian?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Well, George, there you go again, questioning the fairness of this beautiful, wonderful act. Yes, most of the tax breaks do go to corporations and the hardworking men and a few women who run them. The way I look at it, this is eminently fair because, in this great country of ours, anyone is free to start a company. Therefore, anyone could start a company that becomes YUUUGE enough to take advantage of these magnificent tax cuts. It’s all about equal opportunity. Next question—how about from the Cohagic Post?”
Andrew Shivets, Cohagic Post:
“Thanks, Mr. Grand Poobah. Andrew Shivets here. How does the act propose to pay for all of these generous tax reductions? And is the average taxpayer ever realistically going to see any extra money in their pocket?”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Let me answer your questions in reverse order. The average taxpayer is certainly going to benefit from these tax reductions. The last projection I saw was that someone earning $50,000 per year would see at least five dollars more in take-home pay with each paycheck. Just think how much better off everyone will be with that kind of extra money in their pockets!
“Now to answer your question about how the act is going to pay for all of these generous tax reductions. I invented this new concept called Pass Me Down Economics. Just brilliant! Only I could have come up with this. In terms that all of you in the press might be able to understand, my theory predicts that when all the rich people and all the large corporations receive their disproportionately high tax reductions, they will instantly want to pass their extra income on to the average Camerian consumer posthaste. This is such a YUUUGE idea. I can’t believe that no other Grand Poobah was smart enough to think of something like this.”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Okay, time for one more question. How about Diane Brandell?”
Diane Brandell, The Ahamo Tribune:
“Thank you. I would like to address this question to Ms. Ganders. I feel like you might be able to give us some straight answers. From all that I have heard and read about the Wealth Redistribution Act Through Taxes, it doesn’t look like a great deal for the average citizen. Can you enlighten us as to why the Camerian public should get excited about this so-called tax reduction bill?”
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Excellent question. We know the act isn’t quite as transparent as it could be. We know the tax savings to the average citizen are fairly minimal. We know there is some skepticism about the generosity of large corporations necessary to make Pass Me Down Economics work. I guess there might be a lot to criticize in the act. For all of you who feel that way, let me put this in perspective . . . all I can say is thank goodness we didn’t pass a Tax Reductions and Work Act that dramatically lowers corporate tax rates, gives 83 percent of all tax savings to the top 1 percent of taxpayers, and irresponsibly balloons the tax deficit by billions of dollars a year, partially based on grossly inflated TNV growth projections. Our act might not be the greatest, but it sure is a lot better than such a duplicitous plan. Now that would really be a stupid idea!”
Grand Poobah Drump:
“Huh?”
(end of press briefing)
Although it never came up at the press briefing, in private Tunny was very proud of how the WRATT disproportionately affected people in states like Calistonia, BrightLights, and DuChurzy. These were states with a higher proportion of people owning homes valued at a bazillion dollars. The homeowners in these states had large property tax bills as well as high state income taxes. By providing a relatively low cap on deductions for these two taxes, the WRATT cost many homeowners in these state tens of thousands of dollars. Not coincidentally, these states had voted solidly Donkey Party in 2016, and a vindictive Tunny was happy that the WRATT delivered some payback. Thank goodness I didn’t live in such a place.
What to Do About YUUUGE Budget Surpluses and Surprising National Obligation Decreases?
While Tunny would NEVER admit this publicly, the economic policies of the Moblamah Administration had worked wonders on the Camerian economy. Hiring was way up, so the unemployment rate was way down. Businesses were spending heavily in anticipation of continuing strong demand for their products. Consumer confidence was way up and boosting many sectors. Sales of smartphones and laptop computers were through the roof. Automobile manufacturers were experiencing a well-needed cycle of consumers ready to replace their old cars with exciting new models. High income levels and high employment across the board meant more tax revenue for the Camerian government and much less money paid out for programs oriented toward helping the poorest people. The government was experiencing substantial budget surpluses, and the National Obligation was decreasing quickly.
Tunny was very fortunate to have inherited several years of such strong growth. From his perspective, everything was going very well—with one YUUUGE exception. The benefits of an extremely robust economy were being shared with citizens across the whole wealth spectrum. And this was a problem for Tunny and his 1 percent croquet buddies. The more money that average Joe Sixpack taxpayers received in higher salaries and lower taxes, the less of the unexpected bonanza was given to the extremely wealthy. Tunny’s campaign had emphasized a significant tax reduction program. Nominally, it would decrease taxes for all taxpayers. In reality, it was not difficult to understand that the very wealthy would receive a disproportionate share of the tax cuts.
In anticipation of passing a bill like the WRATT later in the year, the Drump Administration’s first budget proposal in April of 2017 had been a delicate balancing act. Military spending was boosted by $50 billion (even though military leaders did not request it), and $3 billion was added for border security, including The Moat. The budget for anti-poverty and welfare programs such as PeopleAid and food cards was decreased by over $1 trillion. Even though these programs are utilized by up to 25 percent of all Camerians, the total amount of money allocated to these programs paled in contrast to the incredible tax savings that would soon be granted by the WRATT to the country’s top 1 percent. It was undoubtedly crystal-clear which demographic Tunny wanted to help.
And he was helping! By the end of his first year in office, the wealthiest 1 percent of all households owned over 55 percent of the nation’s total wealth. This metric was up 5 percent just since 2012 and was the highest it had been since 1960. Consequently, Tunny’s crowd—the top 1 percent of all households—now owned more wealth than the bottom 70 percent of all households combined. When asked about this vast wealth disparity, Tunny liked to talk about what a great country we have and how any person is free to work hard and join the 1 percent.
One of the most concerning consequences of the WRATT was that it reversed the recent trend of reducing the National Obligation. Although Tunny tried hard to position these tax reductions as measures that would pay for themselves, most people were skeptical, including many from our own Elephant Party. It did not help that Tunny’s economists were strong-armed into using Total National Value (TNV) growth rate assumptions that just weren’t realistic.
In contrast to the rosy projections that I was cheerleading for within the Beige Palace, the Upper Body version of WRATT that passed in November of 2017 was projected to add $1 trillion to the National Obligation over ten years. By March of 2018, the National Legislature Planning Office (NLPO) revised estimates and predicted that the budget deficit would top $1 trillion by 2020, eight years faster than had been predicted less than a year before. Most of the reason was that the NLPO is a nonpartisan office. The economists refused to wear rose-colored glasses and forecast 2 percent less growth in revenue per year and 1 percent more growth in spending per year in the period from 2018 to 2027.
The NLPO also projected that due to the WRATT’s decreased tax revenues and higher expenses, the total National Obligation was projected to be larger than the size of the overall economy within ten years. The NLPO went on to note that the prospect of “out-of-control debt growth” brings significant risks, including a much higher probability of another dire fiscal situation. To try to get ahead of this potential lousy PR, Tunny, Upper Body Leader Ditch Ladonal, and I had a strategy session on how to best spin these ominous predictions.
Here’s a transcript of our meeting:
Laira Succupy Ganders, Press Secretary:
“Gentlemen! We need to focus. Right now. We could be in some serious deep sh*t unless we can put the right spin on the bad news coming out of the NLPO. What are you thinking?”
Upper Body Leader Ditch Ladonal:
“Those bastards! We all know that the Elephant Party did not cause the fast rise of the National Obligation. Demographics are leading to huge spending increases for PeopleAid, PeopleCare, and Retirement Funds. We are just plain spending way too much on these f*ing entitlements. We have too many poor, old, and disabled people. It’s a tragedy.”
Laira:
“I guess I am the only one who has the b*lls to point this out, but the increases in what you call entitlements and others call Cameria’s safety net are very tiny compared to the massive increases in spending due to tax reductions for the wealthiest 1 percent contained in the WRATT. We can try to blame the skyrocketing National Obligation on entitlements, but all of the analysts worth their salt will immediately point to the YUUUGE tax reductions and—surprise!—the fact that corporations are not passing these bonanzas on to their employees.”
Tunny:
“I resemble that remark. Out of my billions in tax reductions, I have passed on at least $10,000 in extra tips to all of my croquet caddies, waitresses, and other staff at Charco Grande.”
Ditch:
“$10,000 per employee. That’s very generous, Tunny! Are you doing that for everyone at FDH?”
Tunny:
“Are you crazy—oops, we aren’t supposed to use that word anymore. Are you insane—double oops. How dumb can you be, Ditch? That’s $10,000 total, not $10,000 per employee. That really would be crazy!”
Laira:
“Your generosity is quite . . . amazing, Tunny. But we aren’t getting anywhere on how to spin this huge projected increase in the National Obligation.”
Tunny:
“We’ve spent too much time on this already. I have a croquet game waiting for me. I don’t care what the two of you come up with. I can try to sound empathetic. But I won’t be around when the vastly YUUUGER National Obligation starts to cripple Cameria, so I’m not too worried.”
(end of discussion)
Here’s what Lower Body Leader Francey Helosee had to twerp:
The introduction of the WRATT went very smoothly. Tunny’s spell over the working class continued to work its magic. I was astonished that there wasn’t more of an uproar over typical office workers gaining an extra six dollars and fifty cents per week while Tunny’s 1 percent buddies saved millions. I still can’t figure out why more people didn’t notice and protest about the sharp difference between the promised (substantial) benefits of the WRATT and the actual (meager) benefits delivered. A cynic might bring up the old joke: “How do you know when politicians are lying? When they open their mouths.”
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