Just like the killer bees of the press, I’ve already devoted too much time to describing possible Aissurian interference in the National Cartoon Debate, so I am looking forward to much more upbeat writing about how Tunny used one of the big “perks” that comes with his position: Grand Poobah Prerogative.
Getting Carried Away with Grand Poobah Prerogative
Tunny enjoyed using his Grand Poobah Prerogative when declaring a national crisis to reallocate money for building The Moat so much that he kind of went crazy using his Grand Poobah Prerogative for many other actions that he and his supporters had fierce feelings about. Most of these actions were met with tremendous resistance, so it was not at all clear which ones would stick. Every day some reporter or another would stand up and shake a fist at me, all agitated about how Drump was abusing Grand Poobah Prerogative, and I would have to beat them back with the tough love that was becoming my trademark.
One of his first actions targeted Calistonia, a state that he despised since voters there were solidly Donkey Party and very vocal and litigious about almost anything announced by the Drump Administration. Tunny thought long and hard about what Grand Poobah Prerogative could piss off the most Calistonians. He finally decided to rename Yosemite National Park as Drump National Park. The top legal eagles from Calistonia and twelve other states immediately filed a lawsuit against the Drump Administration. I don’t think Tunny expected to win this one, but he sure liked to stir the pot!
During the last two years of the Moblamah Administration, there had been a lot of talk about redesigning all of the Camerian currency. There was a strong movement to place historical figures, particularly women of color, on some of the paper notes. Tunny wasn’t so keen on the idea, so he used his Grand Poobah Prerogative to hijack the depository’s efforts to replace Stew Hacksun’s picture on the twenty-dollar bill:
Ever since Tunny moved his official residency from BrightLights to West Calonia, he seemed to hold a lot of ill will toward his old stomping grounds. Next on Tunny’s list of places to rename was an iconic river:
In response, the citizens of the great states of BrightLights and DaChurzy did something very uncharacteristic. In contrast to the usual constant snipping between residents of these two states, they got together and spoke in a unified and very loud voice to save the name of the vital river that forms part of the boundary between them. Neither state had much respect for the other, but that paled in comparison to their shared hatred of the Drump River name.
The plans to shrink the size of most national parks and add airports and Drump Hamburger Hotels nearby was going so well that Tunny wanted to take it one step further:
No one can say that Tunny doesn’t have a sense of humor. The Camerian public doesn’t see it too often, but it was on full display on April 1st, 2018, when Tunny twerped:
Tunny later joked to me in private that this change would also honor all the vultures in the press corps. That was our secret.
On a more serious note, Tunny decided that it was time to modernize the Epitome of Freedom National Monument:
Tunny next had a great plan to bring more attention to croquet (and possibly start to justify the immense amount of time he committed to playing croquet).
While many people might question whether croquet is an actual sport, a pastime, or a leisure activity, Tunny was an avid fan. Even two years into his term as Grand Poobah, it was still widely speculated that playing croquet took up the most significant amount of his time (after his “executive time”). I was a little skeptical of these claims, so I started informally tracking Tunny’s croquet time. I was amazed to discover how much time he found to play the “sport” he loved so much. I guess it wasn’t that hard to carve out the time, given that he devoted so little time to traditional Grand Poobah activities such as daily briefings on the state of the world, meetings with his Executive Team, hosting foreign dignitaries, and holding regular press briefings. That was stuff for all of us non-croquet-playing people to do.
Tunny thought that many people in Cameria worked too hard. To appeal to these overworked citizens, Tunny proposed a new national holiday with a twist:
After these numerous examples of Tunny’s (mis)use of his beautiful and wonderful Grand Poobah Prerogative, I started to pick up some rumblings from members of the press, as well as some of the Executive Team, that Tunny might be a little too enthusiastic about Grand Poobah Prerogative. I had also started to worry about this, so I decided to approach Tunny. I think that deep down, he knew he had gotten a little carried away with this unique power, because he readily agreed to stop exercising his prerogative after just one more that was very important to him:
These were just a few of the many ways that Tunny thought he could best apply his Grand Poobah Prerogative. Fortunately, Chief Wrangler Lon Shelly was able to talk him out of, or watch vigilantly until he forgot about, quite a few really wacky ideas.
Of course, Tunny didn’t run all of his Grand Poobah Prerogative ideas by me before he let them loose on the Twerperverse. I was amused by many of his notions, but it was hard to get a grasp on which outrageous ideas he cared about and which ones were fun pokes at states or people that had pissed him off in the past. My best guess is that the ideas that were most tied up with Tunny’s ego were the ones he cared about most. These would include his aspiration to be included on the new twenty-dollar bill, as well as on Peak Crushnor.
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