Looking back, my first realization that something unfamiliar was going on with me was when I was about 45 years old. I was crying more than my usual PMS (premenstrual syndrome) amount … sobbing. I called my friend Cordelia, saying, “I don’t know why I keep crying so much today. I don’t feel like myself.”
What was happening to me? I was in the midst of choosing which kindergarten to send our son to in seven months. I know that’s big, but the volume of tears that were flooding my ducts just didn’t seem to match the intensity of the circumstance. I felt this strange urge to call my son’s preschool teacher to discuss my options. From the phone I told her, between sobs, I wanted to speak to her, and asked if she was available. I had never cried in front of her, so she probably thought I was dying or something.
She offered to see me right away. When I arrived at her classroom, the floodgates were open. This volume of crying alone was unusual for me. But doing so in front of someone was even more out of character. It … wasn’t … me. Even so, having talked things out, I left her feeling much better. Time passed and I forgot about that day as I went on to the next things in life.
Help me remember that it’s okay to cry. That it feels quite healing. Remind me to trust that You have a plan for me. Even though it seems like I don’t understand what’s going on with me and like it’s the end of the world. That You want to use me in a powerful way, even though I don’t know what it is yet.
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