Rump took the oath of office to “preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America,” and that was that. Rump was the Prez. Many performers who often play at inaugural events found they were busy and couldn’t attend. The reasons ranged from last minute family reunions, to emergency cosmetic surgeries, to piñata stuffing for several children’s birthday parties.
Prominent among those who did perform were The All-Girl Sheboygan Bratwurst Choir singing a peppy The Best Things in Life Are Free, Ted Nugent singing a virile new composition Do It ‘Til It Bleeds, and the Manafort Mandolin Trio playing a haunting mash-up of Moscow Nights and Katyusha. The wacky kids from the “First Cousins” reality show tried to do some comic acrobatic shtick with middling results. The two brothers, heads down, ran at each other at full speed, and knocked each other out. Donald seemed to enjoy the show immensely.
Of course he knew it was customary to deliver an inaugural speech, but he wanted to send a message that his was to be a different kind of Presidency. So he gave the speech three days later. He knew it was important to unite the Country and bring people together.
“My fellow Americans, I know it’s important to unite the Country and bring people together. But that was some terrific election, don’t you think? I really ate Mallory’s lunch. Wow! And we had the largest audience for any inauguration in history. We won by the largest electoral landslide in recent memory. And we would have won the popular vote by huge numbers if illegal aliens had been prohibited from voting. We’re going to make sure that never happens again, believe me. We’re going to build up the Defense Department, and we’re going to build that wall around our Country, I can tell you that. And the United Nations will pay for it! It’s the least they can do. Now some people have asked, ‘How are we going to get to the beach? Will there still be a beach, or will the wall replace it?’ First, there will still be a beach, I promise you, and second, every citizen will get a permanent pass to enter the door through the wall to access the beach.
“Now I want to say ‘thank you’ to everyone who voted for me, and for those of you who didn’t, don’t worry. We’re all allowed to make mistakes. I’m your President too, and you’ll change, believe me. Now is the time for all of us to pull together and move forward. But you must admit, that was one world-class electoral upset, all the pundits and news organizations with egg on their face. And you wonder why I call it fake news. They got it wrong because they get you, the real Americans wrong.
“But that’s going to change, trust me. We are going to have a tremendous administration with the best people ever assembled to help me govern the Country. And I want you to remember one thing. Unlike politicians, I will never lie to you. Believe me. And now, as a special treat, perhaps for the last time, Don’t Cry For Me Argentina,” and he launched into a full-throated a cappella rendition that probably delighted many of his supporters.
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