Clamz was actually the product of a botched abortion that left three indentations in the back of his head. He was mocked in school, often called “Bowling Ball” and shunned. This left him isolated and angry. Unlike Rump, he read widely and often cover-to-cover, but he came to an odd conclusion about the basis of what he read. All facts were false. Everything that people assumed was true—that we landed on the moon, that inoculations were critical to fight disease, that the Earth revolved around the sun—were products of liberal indoctrination.
He located a small radio station in Texas and started to broadcast his views to angry, isolated, and aggrieved listeners. And like Rump, his audience grew, even without the off-key singing of Broadway show tunes. The following is a partial transcript of a recent broadcast:
(Announcer: “Defending the republic from enemies real and imagined, it’s Alex Clamz.”)
“25% of all college students are psychotic; they are actually on anti-psychotic medication. This makes them ripe for the ultra-liberal propaganda that their professors are trying to cram into their heads. Any rational American can plainly see that our Country’s future is endangered by elitist college bigmouths who want a Socialist nation. They want to destroy the Free Market, they want to destroy democracy, they want to impregnate your daughters with race-neutral babies to make a one-world, compliant zombie people who will do their bidding. Folks, we’ve got to fight this! Now listen to me, if your kids are going to college, and personally I’d advise against it, you have to protect them! I suggest you buy a box of Clamz Super Suppositories, guaranteed to clean out the filth from the bottom up. This product is made with the finest all-natural ingredients, guaranteed not to cause diabetes, autism, blood-on-the-brain, epilepsy, or narcolepsy the way other suppositories can. Normally a box of twelve costs $199. But today only, just for my listeners, you can call in with your credit card and the cost will be $150. And we’ll pay for shipping and handling! And if you have a friend whose kid is off for socialist indoctrination, buy a box for them for HALF PRICE! Just pay separate shipping and handling.”
Rump was impressed with Clamz’ salesmanship and marketing savvy. He knew that suppositories cost a couple bucks at most, he often bought them for sex partners, and that Alex could sell them for more than $15 apiece was phenomenal. Donald understood the methodology behind the gouging, or as it is sometimes known, dynamic pricing. Clamz scared his audience with a threatening ideology, and then comforted them with an easy, if expensive remedy. Hmm.
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