Breathless Haste

In the fall of 1992, we were excited to find out that we were expecting our first child. However, a few weeks into the pregnancy, Rebecca began to bleed and had to go to the emergency room. We were on pins and needles for several weeks, but an ultrasound eventually revealed a strong heartbeat. The baby seemed fine. This was a huge relief, and the rest of the pregnancy proceeded normally. On August 7, 1993, after Rebecca had labored for thirty painful hours, Henry Brockington Madden was born. As he was delivered, I noticed the nurses exchanging looks with one another. We soon learned that he was missing most of his outer left ear. This, of course, was very concerning for us, and it set off internal alarm bells for the medical staff. The medical team knew that this abnormality could indicate a wide spectrum of other congenital conditions. They made the decision to transfer him to another hospital’s NICU for further tests.

Rebecca had to wait for twenty-four hours before she could be discharged from the hospital where she had delivered, so we made the decision that I would go with Brock. We were exhausted, in shock, and deeply concerned about what was ahead. At times like this, a person’s mind becomes filled with all kinds of horrible scenarios. I vividly remember going outside into a hospital courtyard to pray and try to collect myself. My first thought was to tell God, “You are not going to push me away with this.” I recognize the strangeness of this response, but it felt as if God was trying to distance Himself from me, to reject me or abandon me, and that this was His method. It would take a lot of work down the road to understand the source of that impulse, but at that moment I was just trying to hang on to my faith in the midst of what felt like yet another unanswered prayer.