Breathless Haste

These are the words Dan spoke: “Your whole story matters to God.” At that moment, something deep inside me shifted. My whole story matters? Even the dark and ugly parts? The parts buried deep in my soul? Is it possible that those parts matter to God? It was an awakening. It was a new vision for me—a mixture of deep insight into my story, my connection with God, my heart and my soul.

It was such a startling awakening that I purchased a copy of Allender’s book To Be Told15 in order to read, digest, and process what he had said. I began to dig into and reflect on my full life story. I wrote much of it out on paper, with a trail of tears as I journaled the details. I had the opportunity to share the highs and the lows of my story verbally with a small circle of friends. I began to wrestle with the harder parts of my story. I even signed up for a six-week class to bring into the light an especially dark and dreary part of my story that happened in college.

One evening during those painful six weeks, Jay and I attended a mid-week service where the senior pastor was teaching on Psalm 51, about David’s anguish over his adultery with Bathsheba. As he spoke, he said that we need to admit that we have sinned, agree that we have done evil in God’s sight, and ask God if He will wash us. During that evening, those words pierced my heart, tears streamed down my cheeks, and the darkness and heaviness of that part of my story was washed as white as snow. I was able to forgive and fully accept that I was forgiven as well. The deep pain and sorrow felt on and off through the years felt as if it had been taken away from me that night, and it has never returned.