THE BELONGING PARADOX

Of the many responses I received, I was particularly moved by Mora’s story. Not only because the experience she described happened in a homeschooling community, but also because of the sharp descriptions of this experience. Mora kept using the present form to describe the pain and the corresponding aftermath of this long past incident.

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Being excluded literally hurts. Moreso when the exclusion occurs in non-mainstream groups like Mora’s homeschooling community where members consider themselves part of a joint cause and thus expect deeper social and emotional ties with each other. You can sense Mora’s hurt in her story about her family’s experience. The pain from experiences of exclusion or rejection is not limited to the past, neither is it a phantom one. Researchers have studied the connection between the pain from exclusion and physical pain and found similarities in how our brains process both types of pain.

Feelings of rejection and non-belonging are primal and uncomfortable, which is why most people avoid being the ones excluded from the group if they can help it, even if it means going against their beliefs and values. This may also be why people tend to avoid those who are being excluded or ostracized, lest they catch the social bug and become ostracized too, as we saw with the other moms in Mora’s story. In other instances, it is the excluded individuals who withdraw from group members and avoid future relational interactions.