Higher Connections

The below are some more humorous observations I’ve had while high. Some are observations about being high, while others are random questions and thoughts I have had while high. Some are pretty gross, and I apologize in advance for this—but, as I have learned from a very young age, everybody poops, everybody pees, and everybody has sex (hopefully).

These observations were funny in my head when I wrote them down and that’s all that matters. I am sure that some of these are probably the stupidest things you will ever read. Either way, I hope you enjoy the below, and again, I apologize in advance for what you are about to read. They are in no particular order because I was too lazy to go back and reorganize them.

• Being high is the only time when your biggest problems in life are how long it takes to wipe your ass and how much of a pain in the ass it’s going to be to get out of bed and go downstairs to get more water.
• Being high is the only time when Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is the greatest movie in the world and Chris Pratt is the greatest actor in the world.
• Being high is the only time when you can watch The NeverEnding Story and realize that the large, alien dog is the creepiest thing you’ve ever seen.
• Being high is the only time when you can watch Jeopardy! and think that you’re the smartest person in the world because the question is “This is the Mouse whose name begins with the Letter M and currently owns multiple homes in Orlando, Florida, California, Tokyo, China, and Paris,” and your answer is “Mighty!”
• The theme song for The Walking Dead is honestly the coolest thing to listen to while you’re high—you can’t keep your eyes off the screen!
• The best song to listen to while high is Hoobastank’s “Running Away”—the words blow your mind.
• Being high is the only time when you try to calculate the ratio of funny lines to serious lines on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives. For the record, I calculated a ratio of roughly three funny lines for every one serious line.
• Being high is the only time when you catch awful edits, horrible cuts, and terrible inconsistencies in movies and get mad at yourself for not spotting them the hundreds of times you watched the movie before (Swingers is a big culprit here). It’s truly amazing how many movies have awful consistency in them. I guess when you’re high, this type of stuff really bothers you.
• Being high is the only time when you realize that if your dog could spend its life chasing rabbits, humping your leg, and literally smelling, licking, and eating anything it possibly can (including dog shit, human shit, human urine, human vomit, dog vomit, dog urine, deer urine, deer shit, and frogs), it would be the happiest thing on the planet.
• When I was younger and watched Forest Gump for the first time and saw how long he lasted with Jenny in bed, I was like, “Really!? That’s how long you have to have sex for? Damn—I better practice.” And practice I did.
• My mom really is the best texter I know. She’s always first to respond—morning, noon, or night—and always has something smart to say, even if she uses the word “enuf” far too often. Half of my friends I won’t hear back from for a week, and the other half have me blocked. I should text them my mom’s number to show them how a true friend should respond.
• Do me a favor—find two people having a conversation in sign language on YouTube, put it on mute, and try to figure out what the hell they’re saying. I guarantee that you will have one of the best laughs you’ve had in a while. I am not trying to offend anyone that is deaf, but it is still pretty funny. You can also find “Sign Language Interpreter WAP” on YouTube; it’s pretty funny as well.
• If you live in a city and live in a high-rise, do you ever watch people across the street from you and wonder what they’re talking about? I’m sure people think their conversation is pretty mundane, like, “What’s on Netflix right now?” or “Guess who I ran into at the supermarket!” when what’s really being discussed is more like, “Do you want the dominatrix to come over at 9:30 or 9:45?” or “So, I decided to take the head out of the freezer today—I figured we could defrost it and serve it with some of the eel cum we have stored in the closet.”
• Speaking of cities, there should be nothing that freaks people out more than the steam coming out of the streets of a major city. I’m sure there is a completely rational explanation for it—it’s a vent for gas, it’s the exhaust of the subway below, it’s the devil taking a steam bath—but when I see steam, I think of fire, and when I think of fire, I think of explosions. Yet, people walk by these steam vents on a daily basis with nary a worry. Does this not bother anyone else?
• Speaking of being freaked out, there is nothing that freaks you out more while high than riding an elevator. Recently, I was high while staying in a hotel, and I kept pushing the button for my floor, but it wouldn’t work. I spent ten minutes pushing the button before I realized that I was forgetting to swipe my key card against the stupid black thing on the elevator. Once I got it started, I became convinced I was either falling up or falling down to my death. The elevator was shaking, I was on the floor crying, and I’m pretty sure I shit my pants. Then, finally, the ding of the elevator rang, the doors opened to my floor, and I rolled onto the fourth floor.