EVERYONE SHOULD PLAN THEIR OWN FUNERAL
Think about every funeral you’ve ever been to. What type of experience was it for you (besides sad)? Did you come away thinking, “Wow, that funeral really celebrated that person’s life!” Probably not. It was likely a mixture of your standard religious prayers, relatives sharing what type of person the deceased was from their point of view, and maybe a funny story or two. Then you went to the cemetery and then got some lunch at someone’s house. I know that sounds awful, but when you break it down, that’s generally what happens.
Wouldn’t it be great if, instead of other people talking at your funeral, you wrote out what you wanted to say and had somebody else read it on your behalf? You would get to say everything you always wanted to say and essentially “let it out.” At that point, you’re not there, so offend whomever you want to offend and profess your love for others. I’m sure there may be some things better left unsaid, but you get my point.
So, with that in mind, here is how I would plan my own funeral:
Thank you for coming to my funeral. I know it was probably a drag getting up at the butt-crack of dawn, so to show my love and appreciation for you, I want everyone to either do a shot or pop an edible right now. Let’s all relax a little bit, shall we?
Thank you for also wearing Devils gear, especially for anyone that is a Rangers or Islanders fan—however, I didn’t know a ton of Islanders fans and tried to avoid associating with any known Rangers fans, so hopefully there are not a lot of you in the crowd. But if there are, I do appreciate you wearing the gear of the one true hockey team in the tri-state area.
Also, I hope you appreciated those songs by Tool, The Avett Brothers, Dawes and Band of Horses. I sincerely hope you enjoyed them as much as I have throughout my life. Music was very important to me, and I found comfort and joy in listening to this type of music. Sure, I had to sit through some awful music for my kids and tried to get into whatever they were listening to, but at the end of the day, rock and alternative music was what I connected with the most. Tool, Deftones, The Avett Brothers, Cold War Kids, Radiohead, 311, Sevendust, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, Dawes, The Head and the Heart, Dave Matthews Band, Delta Spirit, Silversun Pickups, Alice In Chains, BTS, and Bone Thugs-N-Harmony—those were the bands that I turned to the most.
For those of you that couldn’t make it and are watching on livestream, I appreciate you donating to the environmental organization of your choice. There are a lot of good ones out there that do a lot of good work to try to save the one planet we have. I know most of you probably don’t care about environmental causes, but you should. There’s nothing weak or uncool about caring about the environment. I recycled, donated to environmental organizations, drove an electric car, had solar panels on my house, and voted for politicians that professed to care about the environment. And I was likely the most masculine person you knew. Please care about the environment going forward; we all need to do our part.
For those of you who are here and knew me professionally, thank you for coming. I tried my best to do good work and be the best accountant I could be. I gave up several vacations, baseball games, karate tournaments, and personal time with my family to take on work responsibilities. I wasn’t perfect, but I hope you appreciated that I tried my hardest to deliver.
For those of you who knew me personally, I am grateful for your friendship. There were several “friends” I had that I lost along the way, mostly for pretty stupid reasons. All I can say is that I tried to be a good friend, to be generous with my time and my efforts to help people out. Some people realized that, some didn’t, and that’s okay. I quickly realized that I can’t please everyone and all anyone can do is try to be a good friend. Some will stick with you throughout and some won’t. To those that stuck with me—thank you. You meant more to me than you’ll ever know.
I truly hope there are a few tears in the room at this point because, damn it, there should be. For everyone who is drinking, please take another shot of something. My preference would be whiskey, but tequila will do. Just please, for the love of everything holy, no vodka. If anyone here is drinking vodka, I may throw up in my coffin.
For those of you smoking weed or doing edibles, do a little more. I have pizza coming in about thirty minutes—two Brooklyn pies, two baked zitis, two whites, two chicken parms, a cheese tortellini alfredo pizza, and ten plains. I also have some ice cream and warm chocolate lava cake coming as well. Now I’m hungry just thinking about all that while writing this out.
Anyway, on to my family. To my kids—I’m sorry I’m dead, but don’t worry, I will still try to haunt you most of the time. (Except when you’re having sex. When you do have sex, please wear protection because who knows if abortion will be legal in the United States for much longer and you don’t want to have to deal with that, or STDs—not fun.) Thank you for being my kids. I know you didn’t have a choice in the matter, and I only believe two of you may actually be my genetic children, but I raised all of you, and it was the honor of my life to be your dad. You made me so proud every day with what you accomplished and the type of people you’ve become. Never forget to be there for each other and to support each other always. You will all make mistakes in life, and there is nothing wrong with that, but be there and support each other when you do. That is your role from now on—please do it for me.
To my brothers—thank you for always being there for me and my family. They loved you like you were their brothers too, and I hope you find happiness in the rest of your life.
To my parents—if you are still alive, I hope you remember who I was as a person. Even though you tried very hard to mess me up, I was a happy person when I died, so I hope that gives you some comfort. If you’re dead, then I’m sure I am joining you wherever we all go when we die.
To Alexandra—thank you and goodbye.
To anyone I didn’t mention—you must not have been that important to me, but please do another shot or take an edible in my name.
To all of you—be kind to the planet and to each other. Also, please, I beg you, buy my book Higher Connections: Observations of a Certified Public Pothead . My family will need the royalties.
Now go enjoy some pizza and lava cake and enjoy your buzz or high. You’re welcome.
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