Breathless Haste

Our men’s group joined hundreds of thousands at the National Mall in Washington, DC, on October 4, 1997, for the Stand in the Gap event. This event brought men together from all over the country to pray for our nation. As the event began, the president of Promise Keepers said to the crowd, “It is possible for you to be at the threshold of a life-changing experience but miss it altogether.”

Little did I know that I was at such a threshold. At one point during the event, a speaker asked us to get on our knees—or prostrate, if possible—to put our faces on the ground for prayer. He asked each of us to offer a prayer asking for forgiveness for any way that we had sinned against our wives. I can remember arrogantly thinking that this part did not really apply to me, as I had not been abusive or unfaithful to Rebecca. However, as I lay with my face in the dirt in front of the Smithsonian, the Spirit clearly spoke.

Rebecca had never wavered in her desire for another baby. In the two years since Neale’s birth, I had tried to avoid the topic, fearful of having to repeat the pain of our experiences. Rebecca caught me off guard by asking, “Are you praying about it?” The truth was that I was not praying about it, because I was not open to having my mind changed. At that moment on the National Mall, God clearly said, not audibly, but in my spirit, “Your wife wants to have another baby, and you will not even pray about it.” This moment of prayer that I had thought was not for me turned out to be specifically for me. I could clearly see that my unwillingness to be open to this possibility was harming Rebecca, and it was harming my relationship with God. It was a humbling and convicting experience.

On the bus ride back to South Carolina, I shared the experience with our group. Then, when I returned home, I shared it with Rebecca. I committed myself to praying about having another child. In doing so, I stepped through a threshold of openness to the will of God, even if it meant facing my fears.