Dream Job: Wacky Adventures of an HR Manager

Melie was so tired of listening to herself. She started fantasizing about pulling a giant tape recorder out of her bottom drawer and setting it on the desk between her and the supplicant of the moment—take, for example, a befuddled supervisor.

There would be ten buttons, labeled as follows:

• • LOW PRODUCTIVITY
• • DEFICIENT PERSONALITY
• • INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR
• • TIME THEFT
• • INSUBORDINATION
• • SIMPLE THEFT
• • DISCRIMINATION
• • WORKING WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE
• • STATIONERY/STAPLER/STAMP THEFT
• • ILLEGAL AND/OR IMMORAL ACTIVITIES

She would turn to the untrained, unwashed, unimaginative supes before her and have them identify the problem. They’d push the button together. First up would come the definition.

So TIME THEFT:

Absence, lateness, on-the-job ditziness/frequent periods of staring into space, long lunches, excessive socializing, personal phone calls, smoking pot in the stairwell.

If that fit the bill, she could then pop in cassette #2 which would direct the supe to:

SIT DOWN WITH PERPETRATOR/EMPLOYEE. SHOW AND TELL. QUANTIFY. PRESENT PROBLEM. SOLVE TOGETHER. SET LIMITS. STICK TO LIMITS. DOCUMENTDOCUMENTDOCUMENT. CONSULT HR AND EMPLOYEE ASSISTANCE PROGRAM. FOLLOWUP WITH CONSEQUENCES. ORAL WARNING. WRITTEN WARNING. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!

You know, what I do, it’s not rocket science. Why can’t they just take the tape with them and leave me out of it?