Overcoming the Emotional Stigmas of Infertility: Barren but Not Ashamed

I have learned everybody has a story but that many are not willing to tell it. This, I believe, is especially true when it comes to infertility. For many years I refused to let people enter my world of shame and embarrassment. It was not something I was proud to own, and I was not about to let people know of the challenge that I thought degraded me.

Not being able to have children can have a dramatic impact on one’s life. I know because I suffered from infertility, which impacted me in ways I could never have imagined. It had a life-altering, gripping effect that changed the very way I viewed myself and those around me. The effects of infertility are not easily understood by those who have not experienced it.

During my infertility battle, my focus was primarily on what I felt had gone wrong or what I thought I could not have. I became so consumed with my emotions that I forgot about the many wonderful things that I had in my life. Because of its all-consuming impact, I missed out on many of the great gifts life had to offer me. My infertility became so overwhelming that the joys of life no longer mattered.

I wanted to create life with my husband and feel that life growing inside of me. I wanted to experience that mother-child bond I had heard so much about. I longed to know what it felt like to hold my newborn child for the very first time and feel its tiny body on my chest. I wanted to be fruitful and add to our family tree.

The desire to conceive was so strong that it shook me to my very core. I wanted what my mother and my sisters had. As time went on, I witnessed my nieces and even my stepdaughter bring life into the world. With the birth announcement of each new child, my desire continued to grow, and my heart ached continually for what I felt I would never experience. They were able to accomplish something that I was denied. It seemed completely unfair and even cruel until the day I finally woke up. I awakened from my self-inflicted nightmare and began to see life in a more beautiful and enlightening way. It is that enlightenment that I have chosen to share with you.

Infertility is like being trapped in a room with no windows: all I could see was what was before me, and this is how I got stuck. I was sabotaging my own happiness, until I was able to acknowledge that even though what I was going through was indeed real and painful, life wouldn’t be over for me if I never conceived and birthed children. After accepting infertility as a part of my reality, I slowly began to stop grieving and started the journey of moving forward. As time passed, I realized that the room that had held me captive now had windows and doors.

Overcoming the Emotional Stigmas of Infertility: Barren but Not Ashamed is a memoir of my personal journey through infertility. I share the various disappointing events that led me to accept a mindset of defeat and embrace a myriad of negative emotions and stigmas that, for a period of time, took power over my life. On the outside I appeared happy, carefree, strong, and confident, but behind that mask I hid shame, pain, hurt, self-ridicule, and constant disappointment that wasn’t evident to many people, including those closest to me.

“Barren” is a biblical term that is not commonly used today as it relates to infertility, but it described my situation perfectly. Yet my womb was not the only thing that was barren. My hopes and dreams of having children, which many of the women in my family saw come true, had become barren, as well. I constantly wore a “damaged goods” label that presented itself with each disappointing realization. Along with that label came discouragement, self-pity, isolation, anger, sadness, loneliness, hurt, embarrassment, and a laundry list of other tormenting thoughts and emotions.

I was taught to be thankful for everything that happens in my life, but how could I possibly give thanks for being infertile? I lost touch with the real me and began to lose sight of the things that made me special. I devalued myself and could not see how anything good could possibly come from my circumstances. I definitely was not thankful and did not consider this to be a blessing. For this reason, I struggled with the concept of thankfulness for my infertility for a long time.

I was able to overcome my infertility stigmas and reclaim the power that I had previously relinquished, which allowed me to heal within and ultimately remove the mask that had kept me afraid and reluctant to speak openly about my truth. I was not only able to move beyond the damaging effect of my circumstances, I was able to recognize good in it.

The desire to rise above my situation sent me on a journey of looking deep within, rediscovering who I was and why my experience with infertility was purposeful. The process was empowering, and through it I learned that my journey was not just about me; it was also to help others who are suffering. The concept of being grateful for all things had a greater meaning for me, and it all made sense. Instead of focusing on my pain and disappointments, I learned the importance of being thankful for every part of my life, including my infertility journey.

Perhaps there are similarities between my experiences and the ones you are encountering. I am sharing my story because there are many women and men who are struggling with the inability to have children and are embarrassed or ashamed by it, like I was. Others are dealing with the torments and emotional stigmas associated with it, just as I did.

In this book, you will learn the emotional coping mechanisms and strategies for infertility that I used to overcome negative emotions and stigmas. These techniques allowed me to break free from my own tormented thoughts and gave me the power to remove the mask that kept me hidden for many years. It is my desire that you embrace the words in this book and allow them to help you during this trying period in your life. It is also my hope that you find a purpose in your infertility challenges.