The Yummy Marriage

It Takes Two to Tango

Most people know that emotional intimacy can lead to sexual intimacy. It is also true that sexual intimacy can contribute to emotional intimacy and to an emotional connection. Think about “pillow talk,” that emotionally close time after sex of snuggling and talking. It helps build the bond of love for many couples.

However, men and women often bring their own distinct social conditioning and hang-ups into the bedroom. Understanding these can help you understand the sexual component of your relationship, as well as lead to interesting conversations and plans for a better future.

 Men and Sex

 Men are socially conditioned to be more selfish and out of touch with their vulnerable feelings. The macho stereotype talks about how big boys don’t cry—they are encouraged to have poor impulse control and to need immediate gratification.

For many men, sex is how they feel loved and how they feel alive. It is a vital sign and can be a physical urge or need. Therefore, if they are not sexual with their wife, they will probably find that opportunity with another woman. Perhaps they will turn to pornography as a way to avoid seeing a prostitute or having a full-blown sexual affair. Either way, their needs will likely be met elsewhere or they may sublimate to other activities like becoming a workaholic or exercise addict.

Surprisingly, men are often more sensitive to feelings of rejection, inadequacy, and shame than women. If they are feeling unwanted or undesirable, or are having sexual functioning challenges, they will consciously or unconsciously stop initiating any sexual activity. When a couple is not having much sex or is completely sexless it is almost always the man’s decision or behavior, not the woman’s.

It makes sense if you think about it closely. Men’s genitalia is “out there for the world to see.” They cannot fake an erection. They cannot fake an orgasm. Women can, and sometimes do.

Women and Sex

Women are socialized to be the caretakers in a relationship, to control their needs, delay their gratification, and avoid asking for what they might want sexually and in other relationship situations. Popular culture would have you believe that women are not interested in sex and often will fake a headache or other ailment to avoid having sex. This is not usually the case.

 Another misconception about women is that they can have an orgasm through intercourse alone. The reality is that most women need some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to achieve an orgasm. Usually a vibrator or fingers are needed to get the job done. Oral sex can bring with it another layer of issues both good and challenging. Remember, attraction is often associated with taste and smell.

Mystery and Excitement: Critical Ingredients

While emotional connection and closeness is essential in a committed relationship, too much closeness (and too little mystery) can sabotage the achievement of a juicy love life. Love and lust are strange bedfellows, and being too familiar with your partner can squash your sexual attraction and desire. This is one of the great challenges of a long-term, YUMMY relationship.