The Yummy Marriage

Contrary to popular belief, most affairs do not begin with lustful attraction for someone outside of the marriage. Affairs are the result of loneliness, a search for meaning in life, a struggle with one’s mortality, or the need for more fun and excitement. Typically, there is an internal struggle going on and then an opportunity presents itself.

What typically happens is that someone outside of your marriage listens to you. They see you on a deeper level. They make you feel good about yourself. The attraction builds. The relationship continues as an overclose friendship. This is called an emotional affair.

This relationship may move to a sexual level as well—and maybe not.

Causes of Affairs

Individuals are more likely to look elsewhere for validation when their marriage is under stress and in trouble. If your relationship is too serious, tense, or even boring, you—or perhaps your spouse—might be tempted by the attention and attraction from someone else.

When a couple does not spend enough quality time together their connection and bond are at risk of being broken. This is very common: each spouse becomes busy in his or her own life and they lose that essential focus on their identity as a couple. Traditionally, men become busy with work and projects while women become busy with the children. They both cease to prioritize enjoying quality time together as a couple. You may recall that it even happened to Israel and me many years ago.

If you feel more like siblings than spouses or have fallen into repetitive patterns, the intrigue, secrets, or surprises of a new relationship can be exciting and irresistible. Luckily, we all have some power over temptation and infidelity. YUMMY couples can prevent affairs within their marriages by talking with each other before things go off track. Many couples can also overcome an affair if one has occurred. Sometimes an affair is exactly the crisis that turns a mediocre marriage into an exceptional marriage.

In our busy and over-stimulated world, many people today need some kind of excitement to keep them attracted to each other. Affairs are one way for an individual to find that excitement outside of the marriage when their marriage has started to feel boring and stale. By keeping excitement alive in your marriage you can protect yourself against infidelity.

The Excitement and Thrill of an Affair

The appeal of an affair might be based on a sense of danger, excitement, and thrill. Those risky sensations can make you feel fully alive at a time when you feel half dead in your monotonous daily life. Often, the cheater feels they have found someone who listens and understands them on that deeper level. Sneaking around to meet with them is very exciting.

Excitement is not always about sex. More often, it’s about the need for some unpredictable and spontaneous adventures. This is one way to feel young again. It’s like when you first met your spouse and were curious about everything regarding your new lover.

Surprisingly, some people who have an affair are happily married. We often hear from our clients that they have almost everything with their spouse and “if they got this one thing from someone else, they would be okay.”

The spouse is a good travel buddy or good co-parent, but something is missing: they lack one of the three L’s. Perhaps it is sexual in nature, but not necessarily. More often it is actually liking your spouse and feeling liked and “seen” deeply by them. People have an existential need to be “known” on a deep level and if it is not found in your marriage it may be found elsewhere.