The Yummy Marriage

I was just 19 when I married my best friend. We were indeed great friends, and we took good care of each other for many years. Unfortunately, he was far more of a friend to me than a lover. For several years we wondered how to move forward in a better direction. We contemplated divorce many times.

When we finally made the big decision after ten years of marriage we celebrated together with dinner and champagne. We celebrated the changes in our commitment to each other, and the love that we felt sure would continue even though we were about to file for a divorce. At the end of the day, we were both happier, and it was the right decision.

While the decision to divorce was a relief, I still remember how painful it was to be “sitting on the fence” for years, trying to decide which choice was the best choice for each of us and for our relationship. In that position, you weigh out the pros and cons. You try even harder to save the marriage. Eventually, you may decide to let go and move on.

Israel and I have worked with thousands of couples in the darkest days of their lives, grappling with this delicate situation, seeking a glimmer of hope. They come to us for professional support as they work on their decision to stay in the marriage or to get a divorce. Often, they come to us as a last-ditch effort, their “Hail Mary.”

As always, relationships and marriages are complicated. What works for one couple may not work for another. Yet, we’ve seen that many couples who come to us share a common belief: They think that they are not compatible, when in reality they just never learned how to talk to each other, to listen with a compassionate ear, and to negotiate their differing opinions. These are skills that most people can learn, but have never been taught. With the tools we’ve covered so far in this book, you can come back from the brink of divorce to have a happy, YUMMY marriage.

 On the Edge of Divorce

Many of the couples we work with are on the edge of separating and divorcing; some have even filed divorce papers already. And yet, they pause their divorce process, trying one last thing before dissolving their marriage. Often, when a person looks at the reality of a separation or divorce, they realize that divorce is not what they really want after all.

Sometimes, they’ve moved in that direction because it seemed like their only available solution. They might not realize they have other options, like reinventing and reinvigorating their marriage, and don’t have the tools to do it.

In working together with us, undisturbed by the daily details of life, couples come to realize their crisis is not a sign that their marriage is dead. They learn that they lacked good communication and relationship skills. And that their anger and frustration resulted from hypersensitivity, unfinished business, and wounds from childhood. These realizations open up a pathway forward in the marriage.

Once a couple is able to gain insight into what was causing the marital problems, they can add new relationship skills to turn things around. As a result, they leave us with a more positive and hopeful direction, knowing that they will be better able to cope with each other and their life when inevitable stressors arise.

 The Decision to Divorce

One of the big questions we ask someone who thinks they want a divorce is, “How would you feel if your partner was happily in love with someone else? Jealous or relieved?”

If they know they would feel relieved, it is probably time to let go and move on. If they would be jealous, they still have some desire to be with their spouse, and it is worth working on the marriage. Sometimes, the answer isn’t clear cut, but the question is always worth exploring.

I asked myself this question when our children were pre-adolescent and Israel was annoyingly grouchy. I knew I would be very jealous of another woman in his life, so my decision was to work harder on our relationship and not seek a divorce.

 Separation as a Starting Point

Some couples decide to separate as a way to explore their divorce decision. It is a way to try the option of a life apart without a commitment to divorcing.

Separation usually, but not always, leads to a divorce. However, some couples who live apart for a period of time are able to flip things around and get back on a good path. Usually it is because they get some quality therapy and they have a clear agreement. A good Separation Agreement lays the groundwork for the rules of this period of time. It increases the odds that this time will be beneficial and possibly lead to a new beginning.

 Regrets About Divorce

Professor William Doherty, an expert on divorce, claims that about 40% of divorcees eventually have regrets about getting divorced. Many divorced people experience a moral sorrow about not having kept their commitment in the face of personal unhappiness. Other people regret that they did not try harder to save their marriage because they really do love and miss their ex-spouse.

 The person requesting the divorce usually feels relieved at first and then, about three years later, has regrets. Unfortunately, the spouse who was dumped has usually moved onto a new life by then.   Knowing that divorce regret is common, it’s important to consider this decision fully and not make a hasty judgement.