Losing Love: A Novel

“You know Pat and your mama trying to give me a bath? I told them to get me a chair ’cause the only person bathing me is my man.”

A sharp rap on the door kept me from expressing my surprise. Shirley and Shanice strolled in.

“I had to go get her ass before her and Took killed each other,” Shirley said. She took one look at her sister and chuckled. “You talking about Johnny, huh? I know that look, honey.”

Granny blushed. “I was just about to tell Faith about the baths he would run me. Honey, that man would bathe me, carry me out the tub, dry me off, and then oil me down. After that—” she started to continue, then paused. “No, let me stop.”

“Nope, lady, spill it.” Shanice looked like a kid grateful to finally be at the adult’s table.

“There would be huge plush pillows on the floor, candles, and wine. He’d lay me down in front of his fireplace and make me feel …” Granny stared off into what only could be Memory Lane.

“Well, they ain’t call the motherfucker Bow Leg Johnny for no reason. He was a damn freak. And ain’t nothing wrong with that child, okay.”

“That’s how Took is,” Shanice said, smiling wide. “He most definitely be making me feel.”

“It just ain’t about how he make you feel in the sheets,” Granny sighed, “and that’s half the battle, ’cause a lot of women don’t even feel nothing then. How you feel now? Your face is all red and swollen. Makeup all messed up so that means you been crying. You gotta leave that man alone, baby. Focus on them kids and yourself.”

Shanice sat beside Granny, her face in her lap. Granny rubbed her granddaughter’s back as if she could restore her energy, time, and youth.

“I done gave him everything,” Shanice moaned, “and he keep cheating on me.”

“You gotta save something for yourself,” Granny cooed. “He will take everything from you if you let him.”

Shanice had been with Took for as long as I could remember. Yes, he was charismatic. Yes, he was a looker. Yes, he knew his away around the bedroom. But what good was that if he was community dick? What good was that if he was transparent but not vulnerable? What good was that if he wasn’t willing to do anything? His name was fitting because all he ever did was take. When they met, he already had two kids. Shanice had none. Shanice had an associate’s degree in dental hygiene. Took had a GED. After she got pregnant the first time, they moved in together. She paid the bills and he drove her car. All these years later, and it’s a classic case of a high-level woman taking care of a low-level man.

“When y’all was growing up, I told y’all not to play house with men who don’t wanna make a home with you, or don’t know how and ain’t trying to learn.”

“That’s right,” Shirley chimed in. “Them motherfuckers ain’t stupid. They gonna do what they wanna do. Ain’t no use having a man if he gonna ask you for money. Ain’t no use having a man if he can’t help around the house. Ain’t no use having a man if he don’t respect you. And it definitely ain’t no use for a man if you gotta share his ass with everybody else.”

Aretha sang in the background about how she couldn’t see herself leaving and Shanice seemed to register the same thought. Her dark eyes were a tunnel that, I’m sure, could be walked for days. She didn’t have to utter a word for me to understand. You want that special someone to be there, but they are never present. But you stay because you don’t want to be alone. Even though he isn’t holding you at night. Even though he isn’t fucking you right. Even though he only tears you down. It’s draining. Constantly pouring into someone who only receives and for damn sure isn’t reciprocating. Eventually you become a well run dry. And even then, you try to conjure up whatever little you have left to satiate his thirst. All in the hopes that things will fall into place and he’ll not only see your worth, but act on it. Because if he did, he’d treasure you. Appreciate you. Love you. Keep you safe. Right?

“I know it ain’t easy to leave,” Granny said, “but it’s the first step to get to the other side. We all gotta choice in the life we live and how we live it. You can sacrifice, but don’t settle. He keep showing you he ain’t ready. You’ve given this man enough grace, now go get yours.”

“I got these kids.”

“What that mean? They don’t drop your value, baby. And any man that thinks so is stupid.”

My cousin sat in disbelief. She couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

“You got a degree,” Shirley noted. “A good job cleaning people mouths and shit. I know you got good credit. You’re smart. You’d stay beautiful if you’d stop letting that man put his hands on you. You got more going on for yourself than Took and majority of these fools out here. And you best believe they know it.” She poured her drink into a glass.

“Why you always drink out of a glass, lady?” Shanice watched our aunt pull a pack of straws from her purse. It was no secret that Shirley drank only out of glasses, never plastic cups. And if you tried to give her one there was hell to pay.

“’Cause I’m worth it,” she replied, incredulous. “Ain’t you worth it? You worth so much more, baby. You deserve so much more than you allowing. Look at Faith. You can find a good man like Nic. That man is beautiful and treats this girl over here like Queen Mother.”

“Ain’t no man like that gonna want me.”

With the exception of Granny, who could only drink water, Shirley handed us cups as well. I took one sip and frowned at the cognac. I needed an ice cube or something.

“I thought the same when I met Nicholi,” I explained. “But I’m glad he proved me wrong. He’s a really good man. And I just stopped fighting him. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made.”

“Yeah, you was rough, little lady,” Granny chuckled. “I remember when you first brought him home. The poor boy brought this child some flowers and she threw them in the garbage.”

“You should’ve whooped her motherfucking ass, Frances,” Shirley said, sipping her drink.

“I remember the flowers,” I said in my defense. “I don’t remember throwing them away.”

“I told him you ain’t know no better but you would learn,” Granny recalled. “Now look at you. Man got you glowing like the North Star.”

I thought back to all the reckless shit I used to do when Nicholi and I started dating. I didn’t take him seriously. I didn’t respond to his texts or phone calls immediately. Self-sabotage and projection were my favorite things. My appreciation ran deeper for him more than words could express.

“I’m grateful,” I said. “But don’t get it twisted, because he’s glowing, too.”

Shirley threw her cup in the air for a toast, “I heard that.”

“We see that,” Granny said. “But he was ready and you wasn’t. You saw his actions matched his words and then you fell in line, right, little lady?”

“I did. Still getting better too. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want from marriage.”

“It ain’t easy, but it’s all a choice, baby.” Shirley poured herself another drink. “It’s a lot easier submitting to a man that’s showing you can trust him.”