Friend Grief and the Military

What exactly, then, is this kind of grief?

Everyone experiences grief at some time, and that grief is often for a friend. What makes the grief experienced by men and women in the military unique are two factors:

First, their grief fits the definition of “complicated” grief, which refers to the factors that separate it from the “normal’ experience of grieving a loved one.

Consider this list from the 2012 US Marine Corps Leaders Guide for Managing Marines in Distress:

Types of losses that can lead to complicated grief:

• The death of a close friend, such as a ‘battle buddy’

• The death of a valued leader or mentor

• The death of someone with whom the Marine closely identified

• The death of someone for whom the Marine felt personally responsible

• A death that is believed to have been preventable

• A particularly violent or gruesome death

By this definition, then, complicated grief is the norm in the military. It would not be surprising for someone to face all of these losses at the same time. This is not the grief for a friend who died peacefully in their sleep at the age of 90. This is the grief for a 20 year old who was blown to bits before your eyes. So when I refer to grief in this book, this definition is what I’m referencing.

Second, having experienced this, there is often little chance of grieving normally. The Guide goes on to discourage immediate psychological debriefing for a unit that has experienced the loss of a member or members. Instead, the leaders are encouraged to:

• Get the unit to safety as soon as possible

• Rest the unit for 24-72 hours, if at all possible

• Encourage discussions in squad-sized After-Action Reviews of what happened, why it happened, what will be done to prevent it from happening again (if possible), and what purpose was served by the sacrifice

• Reinforce the rules of engagement and Law of War, and remind your Marines that revenge not only dishonors the Corps and those who have sacrificed, but it also is self-defeating in a counterinsurgency conflict

• Honor the fallen through memorial services, physical memorials, and other celebrations

Perhaps you noticed, as I did, how often the word “possible” is used: “as soon as possible”, “if possible”, “if at all possible”. Grief is typically put on hold, because to acknowledge it – let alone express it – requires calling a time-out.

That’s not always possible in the midst of battle. But grieving is necessary, as John McCary insisted in a letter from Iraq to his mother in 2004:

When you’ve held a conversation with a man, briefed him on his mission, his objective, and reminded him of the potential consequences during the actioning of it, only to hear he never returned, and did not die gracefully, though blessedly quickly, prayerfully painlessly…you do not breathe the same ever after. Breath is sweet. Sleep is sweeter. Friends are priceless. And you cry. There’s no point, no gain, no benefit but you are human and you must mourn. It is your nature.

Think about the times you’ve grieved the death of a friend. Go back to the list of factors leading to complicated grief. Now you’ll begin to understand that what we’re going to consider here is something very, very different.