The Winning Family

For better or worse, adults constantly influence the self-esteem of children—whether they realize it or not—whether they intend it or not. The words they use fall into four basic types of responses. Nurturing and Structuring responses increase self-esteem; Marshmallowing and Criticizing responses tear it down.² Let’s play a game and see if you can tell the difference. Which response is which?

Responses Game

Twelve-year-old Jennie says, “I want to sleep at Janet’s tonight. Her parents won’t be there, but her sixteen-year-old brother will.” Her parents might say:

1. “You’d like to have fun with your friend tonight. Invite her to come here for the night.”
2. “No. Unless her parents are home, you may not spend the night there.”
3. “Well, I don’t like the idea, but I guess just this one time wouldn’t hurt.”
4. “No! Of course not! What would people think of us? And don’t you know what sixteen-year-old boys are after?”

Judith says, “My husband is away on business, and the baby is driving me up the wall.” Her friend might say,

1. “You’re in a difficult situation, Judith. Ask for help—you need it. The baby needs a mother who is not up the wall. You’ll both be better off when you start taking care of yourself.”
2. “Call someone for help. Find a church or agency that offers child care. Take care of yourself and your baby.”
3. “Poor thing. There just isn’t any good help available these days. I hope you make it.”
4. “If you were a better mother, you wouldn’t have that problem!”

Eight-year-old Ryan won’t clean his room, and says, “I hate you, Mom.” His mother could respond:

1. “Ryan [touching him], I know you don’t want to clean your room and that you’re mad at me. That’s okay. I still love you. Let’s both clean our rooms at the same time, and when we finish, we’ll go outside and play.”
2. “We’re all part of the family, Ryan, and we all have chores to do. Cleaning your room is an important way of being part of our team.”
3. “Fine! Whatever! No wait, don’t hate me. Is it really too hard for you? Poor thing. Do you want me to do it for you? When you’re bigger you’ll be able to do something by yourself.”
4. “How dare you feel that way? After all I do for you? Get in your room right now and don’t come out until it’s perfect! And just wait until your father gets home!”

Did you guess which was which? I bet you did. Let’s take a closer look.