Pause

“Lin, where’d you get that killer tan?” Megan activates the door locks on her SUV and heads over to Lindsey, who’s waiting at the park trailhead for an aerobic walk.

“Right here at home. Well, I did get up to the mountains. Just one of the bennies of being laid off.”

“Right. I could use some of that, look at these pale legs. Can’t believe I’m sneaking off on Sunday. Thank God Joe decided to take the gang to the fair. So lead on, Amazon woman! I mean—”

“It’s okay. I’m over it.” Lindsey smiles, realizing that now she can reclaim her “Amazon” family nickname without the wince.

But Megan isn’t smiling. She hesitates, then blurts out, “Are you okay, Lin? You’re coming up on the five-year mark real soon, right?”

Lindsey blinks, taken aback. “I’m due for my mammo next month, then I’ll officially be in remission. You kept track of the date?”

“Gal friend.” Megan puts her hands on her hips. “I’ve got a vested interest in you sticking around.” She blows out a breath. “You don’t know how scared I was for a while there. I couldn’t stand losing you.”

Lindsey peers closer into Megan’s face. “I didn’t realize.”

She swipes at her eyes. “You’ve had enough on your plate without worrying about keeping me sane.”

“I keep you sane?” She starts down the trail.

Megan laughs then, hustling to catch up. “Guess it all depends on how you define your terms.” They head into the shadow of the cedar grove where the surveyor ribbons are still dangling. The road-access issue is still dangling, too, but looking less and less likely to pass environmental review.

“But, seriously, gal friend.” Megan gives her a sideways look. “I didn’t want to push you, what with all the shit hitting over Nick and the divorce and all. I was praying a lot for you, even if you don’t go that route. But I never asked. Weren’t you afraid? I mean, of dying?”

Lindsey thinks about it, as the filtered light flickers over them. “You know, it’s funny. But… well, of course I thought about it, the whole cancer scare. And once you land in the middle of the medical system, they really work on you to be sort of paranoid with all these percentages and rates and risk groups and all.” She shrugs. “I just can’t buy into the Christian dogma, but I do believe there’s… a force for good, so I’m not really afraid of dying. Not that I want to!” She bites her lip. “Well, for a while there with how bad it was with Nick, I did kind of feel maybe I’d be better off dead than slogging through the nightmare day after day. I’d wake up and think, ‘Please let it all be just a bad dream.’ Then I’d remember it was real.”

“Oh, honey!” Megan stops short on the trail, forcing Lindsey to stop and face her. “You’d tell me, wouldn’t you, if you felt suicidal? We should have gotten you help sooner!” She grips Lindsey’s wrists. “You still see your counselor when you need to, right?”

“Every once in a while. But….” Lindsey sighs. “Now that I’m off the hospital insurance plan, I had to get cheaper coverage, and it doesn’t pay for Kate visits.”

“Oh! Damn.” Megan frowns. “Look, Lindsey, you know Joe and I would help you get through this—”

“No, no, I’m okay, I just have to watch expenses.”

“Promise me you’ll ask, especially if it’s your health. Call it a loan if you want. We just need to keep you on track.”

“Thanks, but really I’m okay now.” Lindsey eases free of Megan’s grip. “I just didn’t realize how far down I’d gone before. But now it’s like I pulled the Get out of Jail Free card. Everything looks so good out here!”

“Oh, Lin,” Megan repeats. “Nobody knew how bad it was with Nick.”

Lindsey starts walking again, urging Megan back into motion. “I guess that’s part of it—hide the truth from everybody, even yourself. The Friedland family motto. Maybe we should all get it tattooed on our foreheads.”

She ups the pace, swinging her arms. “You know, when I finally got into counseling, had to face it about Nick and the abuse, and then they diagnosed me with that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was so weird. I mean, I thought that was just for combat vets or something. But it’s really a physical thing, once your nerves get so shot with the chronic stress. Being braced all the time for the next no-warning explosion or ducking out of the way of his ‘accidental’ swinging-around-with-knives in the kitchen or grabbing the cats out of range when he’s looking for something to throw. Lucky I have good reflexes! But after a while, my body got tapped out—the whole ‘fight or flight’ response gets shorted out. It’s like you’re paralyzed, in this dark place.”

“Oh, honey.”

“Hey, I can talk about it now without getting overwhelmed.” She puffs out a breath. “So, anyway, I guess that’s the long answer to a short question. I was just trying to get through day to day, so I didn’t have much energy for thinking about mortality. Or immortality.”