Pause

“Lin, where’d you get that killer tan?” Megan activates the door locks on her SUV and heads over to Lindsey, who’s waiting at the park trailhead for an aerobic walk.

“Right here at home. Well, I did get up to the mountains. Just one of the bennies of being laid off.”

“Right. I could use some of that, look at these pale legs. Can’t believe I’m sneaking off on Sunday. Thank God Joe decided to take the gang to the fair. So lead on, Amazon woman! I mean—”

“It’s okay. I’m over it.” Lindsey smiles, realizing that now she can reclaim her “Amazon” family nickname without the wince.

But Megan isn’t smiling. She hesitates, then blurts out, “Are you okay, Lin? You’re coming up on the five-year mark real soon, right?”

Lindsey blinks, taken aback. “I’m due for my mammo next month, then I’ll officially be in remission. You kept track of the date?”

“Gal friend.” Megan puts her hands on her hips. “I’ve got a vested interest in you sticking around.” She blows out a breath. “You don’t know how scared I was for a while there. I couldn’t stand losing you.”

Lindsey peers closer into Megan’s face. “I didn’t realize.”

She swipes at her eyes. “You’ve had enough on your plate without worrying about keeping me sane.”

“I keep you sane?” She starts down the trail.

Megan laughs then, hustling to catch up. “Guess it all depends on how you define your terms.” They head into the shadow of the cedar grove where the surveyor ribbons are still dangling. The road-access issue is still dangling, too, but looking less and less likely to pass environmental review.

“But, seriously, gal friend.” Megan gives her a sideways look. “I didn’t want to push you, what with all the shit hitting over Nick and the divorce and all. I was praying a lot for you, even if you don’t go that route. But I never asked. Weren’t you afraid? I mean, of dying?”

Lindsey thinks about it, as the filtered light flickers over them. “You know, it’s funny. But… well, of course I thought about it, the whole cancer scare. And once you land in the middle of the medical system, they really work on you to be sort of paranoid with all these percentages and rates and risk groups and all.” She shrugs. “I just can’t buy into the Christian dogma, but I do believe there’s… a force for good, so I’m not really afraid of dying. Not that I want to!” She bites her lip. “Well, for a while there with how bad it was with Nick, I did kind of feel maybe I’d be better off dead than slogging through the nightmare day after day. I’d wake up and think, ‘Please let it all be just a bad dream.’ Then I’d remember it was real.”

“Oh, honey!” Megan stops short on the trail, forcing Lindsey to stop and face her. “You’d tell me, wouldn’t you, if you felt suicidal? We should have gotten you help sooner!” She grips Lindsey’s wrists. “You still see your counselor when you need to, right?”

“Every once in a while. But….” Lindsey sighs. “Now that I’m off the hospital insurance plan, I had to get cheaper coverage, and it doesn’t pay for Kate visits.”

“Oh! Damn.” Megan frowns. “Look, Lindsey, you know Joe and I would help you get through this—”

“No, no, I’m okay, I just have to watch expenses.”

“Promise me you’ll ask, especially if it’s your health. Call it a loan if you want. We just need to keep you on track.”

“Thanks, but really I’m okay now.” Lindsey eases free of Megan’s grip. “I just didn’t realize how far down I’d gone before. But now it’s like I pulled the Get out of Jail Free card. Everything looks so good out here!”

“Oh, Lin,” Megan repeats. “Nobody knew how bad it was with Nick.”

Lindsey starts walking again, urging Megan back into motion. “I guess that’s part of it—hide the truth from everybody, even yourself. The Friedland family motto. Maybe we should all get it tattooed on our foreheads.”

She ups the pace, swinging her arms. “You know, when I finally got into counseling, had to face it about Nick and the abuse, and then they diagnosed me with that Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, it was so weird. I mean, I thought that was just for combat vets or something. But it’s really a physical thing, once your nerves get so shot with the chronic stress. Being braced all the time for the next no-warning explosion or ducking out of the way of his ‘accidental’ swinging-around-with-knives in the kitchen or grabbing the cats out of range when he’s looking for something to throw. Lucky I have good reflexes! But after a while, my body got tapped out—the whole ‘fight or flight’ response gets shorted out. It’s like you’re paralyzed, in this dark place.”

“Oh, honey.”

“Hey, I can talk about it now without getting overwhelmed.” She puffs out a breath. “So, anyway, I guess that’s the long answer to a short question. I was just trying to get through day to day, so I didn’t have much energy for thinking about mortality. Or immortality.”

She shrugs. “Lately, I have been thinking more about… the spiritual end of things.”

“Good. Doesn’t matter what religion, it’s all God.” Megan’s panting now, pumping her arms to keep up the pace on the trail. “So… what about Newman? Dish me the dirt, gal. How’s the romance going?” She smirks over at Lindsey. “Holy shit, that’s it! I swear you look a year younger every time I see you lately. It’s being in love! Or lust, whatever. Can you bottle it? I’ll order a case.”

Lindsey blows out a breath as they pass under the baby-owl maple. “Not much to report. He can’t make up his mind whether or not he’s up for it, I guess.”

Megan snorts. “From what I could see the other night, getting up for it isn’t the problem.”

Lindsey shakes her head. “No problem there.” She shrugs, pushes up the pace a bit. “Maybe it’s too intense. It’s freaking him out.”

“Well, don’t let him string you along for too long. Newman is a real sweetheart, but maybe he’s just not ready, after the divorce. I had a couple run-ins with that ex of his at our kids’ school, and I don’t like to throw the ‘B’ word around, but if the shoe fits….” Megan pauses to catch her breath. “Phew. You know, Newman’s always been like everybody’s mellow big Dad, maybe he just can’t get himself wrapped around being a lover. So if he can’t make up his mind, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

She purses her lips. “Wait, I know! I should introduce you to Jeff. He’s an engineering consultant on that new project at work. Nice guy, travels, too, and I think he said he’s a kayaker. Looks pretty buff.” She winks.

“Megan, I thought you were laying off the matchmaking.”

“Well, Newman’s never around, so why not branch out a little?”

Lindsey feels her face heating and covers by countering, “There’s always a catch. So what is it this time, out-of-control earwax and nose hairs? Drives one of those jacked-up pickup trucks on balloon tires, with Playboy mud guards? Calls his mother twice a day?”

Megan snorts. “Come on, Lin, you’ve gotta give these guys a chance. He’s funny, an interesting guy. There’s just the one thing….”

Lindsey rolls her eyes. “Here it comes.”

“Well, it’s not that big a deal, I mean everybody seems to do it these days.”

“Do what? Spit chewing tobacco? Snort heroin?”

“Lin.” Megan flips a hand, puffing. “The online dating thing.”

“Oh, God. Remember the architect? So what is it with this guy—he trolls those sites for young, willing Russian brides or something?”

Megan bites her lip. “No, Thai.”

“What?”

“We got talking, and he told me he can’t seem to meet the right gal here, so he put up a page on ThaiLove.com.”

“Megan, you’ve got to be kidding!” Lindsey stops short, forces Megan to meet her gaze. “He’s one of those guys who wants a meek little wifey slave? Young, of course, preferably a virgin?”

Megan looks at Lindsey’s face and bursts out laughing. “All right, all right. Maybe it is weird. He did tell me he was 80% okay with the ‘contractual aspect.’”

Lindsey shakes her head. “Just spare me any more hot prospects, okay?” She starts walking again. “I’ve got enough on my plate already.”

“But seriously, how do you think you’re going to meet this Mr. Perfect you’re holding out for? Maybe you’re being unrealistic. You’ve got to get out there, Lin, you know gorgeous men don’t just fall off the trees.”

Lindsey feels her face warming again, hopes the exercise explains it.

“Whoa! Is that a hot flash, or what?” Megan’s caught it, naturally. “Come on, gal friend. What’s up?”

She blows out a breath. “I’m kind of getting the come-on from another guy.”

“Hmm.” Megan shoots her another look, eyebrows raised. “And you’re liking it?”

“Well… yes and no. It’s complicated.”

“Isn’t it always?”

“I’m working with him on writing projects. Damon Perrera. He’s the—”

“Oh, my God! The Weekly Whiplash editor? You’ve got to be kidding!” Megan comes to a standstill again, staring.

“You know him, too?” Lindsey manages weakly.

“Well, yeah, I’ve met him at some of the community forums. Lindsey, are you serious? Mr. Romance-novel-cover-art?”

Lindsey rolls her eyes. “Not to mention ten years younger than me.” She flips a dismissive hand. “Hey, it’s probably just flirtation. He’s not exactly shy.”

“I gather he’s got a track record.”

“He admitted it himself. That was after he kissed me.”

“Oh, my God!” Megan repeats, eyes widening. “This is…. Are you…?”

“Just a kiss.” Lindsey urges her back into action down the trail, heading toward the hilly section. “Though, mind you, a very good one.”