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Dear Diary,

That book my counselor–Kate–gave me was a page turner all right. All those years when I thought I was maybe going crazy, and worrying so much about Nick’s health, it turned out that I was the wife in a movie “The Shining II” and Nick was following its classic script of abusers. Wow. I’ve been taking a look at the book again lately, a refresher to remind myself how to stay out of traps like “gaslighting,” when Nick got me doubting my own perceptions.

Still reclaiming my “power within.” And since the cancer, thinking more about the spiritual side of life. So far, not scoring too high on finding faith that seems so important for most people’s happiness. Off-the-shelf Christianity I was raised in not my thing–most organized religions have inspired way too many atrocities in the name of “truth.”

So, my floundering forays in the last couple of years:

TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION: Still a hippie at heart, I really resonate with the idea of “Be. Here. Now.” If only I could get that anxious brain whirl to dissipate into the white light of no-thought, maybe I would feel that universal Oneness and peace. So I tried a meditation class and flunked out. Managed to sit in almost-lotus position and ignore my whining knees, but the harder I tried to banish thoughts, the wilder they attacked! I tried so hard to not-try that I was sweating, and then of course that triggered cascading hot flashes. I may have groaned aloud. Anyway, the instructor took me aside and said I was “disturbing the force field” (should I call in Luke Skywalker?) and maybe I should just practice at home. Alone. The Force is definitely not strong with this one….

WICCA: Didn’t realize it’s officially a religion, but “do as you will, as long as you hurt no one” seems like a decent guideline. Have gone to a couple of seasonal celebrations – like dancing around a Maypole, chanting, singing, feeling good will and connection. I like honoring the turning of the seasons, tuning into nature, but the mashup of ancient and new deities to honor is kind of confusing. When one of the women started talking about casting spells, I got queasy. Again.

SHAMANIC DRUMMING: Went to a drumming circle at the local college, led by an anthropologist/shamanic practitioner who explained that these ancient practices are similar worldwide, not necessarily culture-specific. What I liked was the honoring of spirit in all natural beings, not just humans. The drumming was somehow powerful and peaceful all at once, resonating through me, or maybe it just drowned out the brain whirl. I was ready to join, but then a protest group got it shut down for cultural appropriation. I guess I see their point–so many things already stolen from the natives, who can blame them for circling their wagons?

GODDESS ENERGY: Crystal invited me to join her women’s circle to raise group Goddess Energy and ground ourselves with organic essential oils. Found out I was allergic to the strong flower scents. And opening up my chakras just made me paranoid. Also nauseated. Crystal says I’m overprotecting myself against past-life trauma. Oh, good. This-life trauma not enough?

- Next???