The Elusive Farterella
This hilarious story takes place in the famous dreamy land of Fartista, where there was a royal flatulence party. King Fartan was getting aware that his gassy days were numbered. The royal family had a handsome young prince seeking a beautiful bride for his future coronation and throne. He was called Fartimus. You may recall that he was the King’s oldest son. He was incredibly talented, intelligent, and skillful in the mysterious art of farting.
It was time to introduce Fartimus as the new King to the land. But there was a dire condition that needed quick attention from the royal family. After all, having a gassy bachelor prince as a future king was not pleasant for anyone. Therefore, they were looking for a beautiful, healthy young lady who could easily outnumber any other women just by using her powerful farts.
Then came the day of the event. Fartimus spotted a very sexy hot shapely young woman who displayed a mastery in the art of farting. Her farts were silent but deadly and crucially effective in destroying the fresh air all around it.
She was indeed the cunning witchcraft of all Farters in the world. People called her: “The Elusive Farterella.”
He approached her and politely invited her to attend the National Farting Championship contest. The winning prize was 5000 golden coins. It was enough to make anyone extremely rich and wealthy that they would never have to work again.
Fartimus slowly walked towards the beautiful young woman.
“Hi, there! I’m Prince Fartimus. What’s your name?” He said.
“Hi, Fartimus! I’m Farterella. Nice to meet you!” She smiled and said.
“Hang on a second; you mean you’re the one who raised the best and gassiest storms in the northern areas of my reign?” He asked.
“Yes, I am her.” She said.
After they exchanged a few quick flirtatious sentences back and forth, he asked her how she became the mightiest Farter of the land.
She explained that during her childhood times, at bedtime, there was a fascinating lullaby story her late father was reading to her.
She used that old guru as her one and only malodorous role model to increase her self-development and farting powers.
The bedtime story goes as below:
Years ago, there was a Royal Flatulence Guru who was living in the palace. He could recognize and treat people’s different sicknesses just by smelling their farts. He had a unique power to digest any food and turn it into the most disgusting, silent dry farts. You know the ones you notice long after their creators are gone.
People believed any time he was releasing gas. He could quickly make the nearest canary faint.
Farterella’s father told her that he knew it was her destiny to accomplish great things in life by using her malodorous skills. She would have the same strength and invincible power to faint a canary from afar.
They decided to start the contest. There were a few caged canaries 200 inches above the ground. There was one separate cage set explicitly for each contestant in each line. Farters lined up. Per contest’s regulations and rules, they stood up 500 yards away from each other in parallel lines. That rule was there to ensure the rivals could not cheat and take credit for other’s farts in making the birds faint.
All contestants would wait for their assigned gas releasing time. There were also separate CSA’s (Chief Smelling Agent) given to each malodorous contestant individually.
The King started the countdown from number four down to one. Soon, the farters began getting ready for the ultimate most fetid challenge of their life. In 15-minutes intervals, Farters started to release gas as hard as they could, one by one. Producing the most putrid and smelliest rapid Fart was the only way to win over the others.
Although, all contestants created the most disgusting gas ever to smell by any nose. However, they were not strong enough to use their orifice to target the canaries in the cages and make them faint from afar.
That gave Farterella a very significant winning opportunity. Since she was a female contestant, she was the last one to try her luck at winning. Then to everyone’s immense surprise, as soon as she started her first Fart, her caged bird, along with three other canaries sitting and singing from the top of the nearby trees, got unconscious and fell from the trees instantly. It was a good boost for her confidence.
Per Fartimus’ instructions, they had placed a pile of soft fabrics right below the trees and around them. As a result, none of the innocent birds got hurt when they fell from the trees.
Then, her smelling agent saw how she made the canaries temporarily faint from 100 yards away with a single fart. He quickly ran towards the King.
“Your majesty, please, stop the game, now. I have come to present the only winner for you. The winner is a woman.” He said.
“Are you sure it was her?” The King asked.
“Yes, your majesty, it really was her. You see, as a CSA, I keep training my nose and smell the nastiest farts daily. Hence, I surely know how different a woman’s fart smells.” He said.
“There is gassy wisdom in your intelligent speech. Very well! I mean, why not? I am sure any woman can be as good as any man in anything. Where is she?” King Fartan said.
He pointed towards Farterella. Some of the male opponents were angry to lose their chance of a lifetime to a woman.
There was chaos bound to happen quickly among the crowd. Then a woman yelled: “Shut up and let the agent talk! This year only a woman is the best winner.”
The crowd started to scream with happiness and excitement. The entire land had never seen a woman winning any tough contest. All the men realized that a farting woman could also be as good as any other farting man. They were too shocked by the final results.
“Silence, we have a lady winner. I give you the great Farterella. I truly enjoyed her great victory. It surely counts as the first, greatest, and most malodorous victory for all women. From now on, I’ll allow any woman to attend any contest right along with other men. Farterella, please, move forward and be ready to receive your award.” King said.
“Bring me the golden Farting award, which is 5000 golden coins.” The King said.
The Chief Smelling Agent went to fetch the award for the King.
Farterella started to walk towards the King. Suddenly, the dark rainy clouds covered the whole blue sky. The heavy rain began to pour down. The palace was struck by the powerful lighting many times over and over again. One of the tree branches hit Fartimus’ head, and he fell to the ground unconsciously. Moments later, the wind blew away the clouds. Fartimus felt dizzy and disoriented. He slowly opened his eyes and got up from the field. He saw many injured people there. The palace building and the enormous playground received considerable damage.
He looked for Farterella as far as his eyes could reach. Alas, she was out of his sight. The soldiers could not find her either. He was genuinely heartbroken. He sighed and had tears of regret in his eyes. For he had lost his only chance at having and keeping true love in his life.
“No, this can’t be the end of our love. Where are you, my sweet, beautiful love? Farterella, I know you’re alive somewhere. I’ll find you, my love.” He said.
If only Fartimus could find an efficient way to locate and recognize Farterella accurately among all other young women in town. He had to come up with an idea.
“What if I catch a canary and cage it, then knock at every door and ask their young women to fart towards the cage? That way, if the canary faints right away, I’ll know for sure that I have found my lovely woman.” He told himself.
Our brooding Fartimus assumed that finding his smelly sweetheart and a future queen for his throne would be easy-peasy. But as it turned out, spending days and days of long malodorous tedious hours of cage-to-butthole research was not an easy task. He was frustrated.
He left with his soldiers along with some of the palace’s female servants. They all started walking around the town. They went door to door and searched all the homes one by one. Suddenly he saw two young women who somehow reminded him of Farterella. He felt they were Farterella’s stepsisters. They had many evil thoughts in their minds. They came up with a new scheme. What if all women in town would not wipe their buttholes after using the bathroom? That way, Fartimus’ nose would indeed never work after smelling so much crap. Thus, he could never find Farterella. They could both seduce him with their farts. He thought they were crazy enough to expect him not to notice their apparent malodorous deception. Alas, he had no idea that they had sent his sweetheart to a distant village away from the city.
“What else can I do but to find her? Give up on my love for a heavenly sexy hot woman who loves my Fart as much as I love hers? No way! Nothing can stop me from finding her. That’s a promise. I’ll keep her sweet love in my heart until the day I find her.” He told himself.
The young, handsome prince began his long royal quest for his smelly young bride. He and his female servants went door to door. He knew she lived somewhere in town.
He ordered them to perform concrete smelling ritual steps to recognize and find her. They needed to let any young woman lift her skirt, turn around, bend over, and release gas toward the canary cage.
Meanwhile, he was watching the whole process in every townhome. There was no exception for the smelling ritual. He ordered that all young ladies present in any home, including the maidens, attend the quest ceremonies.
They tried the dainty cage on the butthole of every eligible young maiden in the land. It was exhausting, extraordinarily malodorous, and grueling work. Thus, they had to take many breaks to get fresh air every ten minutes. They knew there was no other way to find Farterella. Their faces changed color and turned white so many times.
Remember that the origins of this story go back to medieval days. It was way before the invention of Charmin Ultra Soft toilet tissues. The prince and his ladies’ team often came across young maidens who had not removed their poop from their buttholes entirely before participating in the search rituals. They had to inhale the smell of farts, which were as gross as piles of the manor. The results were disastrous during those smelliest moments.
There was no other way. Time was of the most critical essence. They knew that soon they would be rewarded with inhaling the best, driest, and most fantastic type of Fart in their time, Farterella’s Fart.
But eventually, Fartimus’ extended tedious foray into flatulence paid off. He found the woman who had captured his heart forever.
Then on the seventh day of their quest, while he was riding the new royal, red-colored coach through the rural roads. Fartimus and his team came across a large village.
They saw a sign right above the main village entrance door.
“Welcome, to Malodora Village! Be conservative with your farts! Always, Be Cautious, where and when you fart your ass off!”
He ordered the Malodorian village elders to gather around all young ladies. Then, they placed the canary cage on a stage at least 200 inches above the ground.
Suppose they could find a woman who could make the canary faint from 100 yards away with a single fart. Then they knew they had found their ideal candidate.
Meanwhile, men could only watch the whole thing in dreadful silence. No man could make any embarrassing comments or gestures towards the young ladies who were attending the event.
He knew she was there. Then they started the event. Young ladies lined up. They approached the stage one by one. They turned around while their butt pointed the scene of the caged bird, lifted their skirts, bent over, targeted the cage with their buttholes, and released their strongest farts ever.
The competition was fierce. Many contestants tried, did their best, and failed miserably. After all, every young woman wanted to be the future queen. So, you can easily imagine how they went the extra mile and worked their asses off to win the prince’s heart.
Then came a time when a straightforward young woman tried her luck at winning. She moved towards the front stage, stood behind the line, turned around, lifted her old weary skirt, bent over, and farted without trying as hard as others.
Seconds later, everyone was shocked to see how the canary fainted so easily. The crowd got so excited and hoorayed the beautiful young winner.
Fartimus jumped down from his chair, ran towards her without any hesitation.
“Farterella, my love. I have finally found you.” He yelled. He hugged her, held her beautiful face in his hands, stared into her magical eyes, and kissed her sexy pouty lips passionately.
“I too love you and your farts so much, Fartimus.” She said.
They went on stage. Fartimus held her in his arms, pulled aside his chair, and asked her to sit down.
“Malodorians, listen up. Today, I am having the happiest day of my life. I finally found the woman of my dreams after smelling so many malodorous farts. I have been smelling the farts from hell. It was as if all those other women simply sat on my face and just farted all over my face. My nose cannot function for the time being. But I will be fine in a matter of a day or two. I have deprived myself of the gift of smell so that I could find my love. Today is the day that I have found her. I would love to show my appreciation to you all. Starting today, as your King, but most importantly, as your friend, I Fartimus, the New King of Fartista, will give you many privileges over the others. Together, we will create and build our dreamland, a land that justifies and displays the real power of farts in the entire world. Now, let us enjoy our time and have a great wedding party here later!” He said.
Days later, King Fartan and his Royal family arrived at the Malodora Village. They decorated the whole village with the most beautiful ornaments, flowers. Fartimus purchased new clothes for the entire villagers. He made sure that everyone was happy and well-fed. People were joyful about his extraordinary kindness.
Fartan was the only and the best malodorous prince who also owned a kind heart.
He always wanted a desirable life partner for all his exciting malodorous adventures. A woman who enjoyed passing gas as much as he did. A female partner who knew the proper places and rules for releasing gas like him.
They got married, enjoyed smelling each other’s farts for many years to come.
Fartimus learned to focus on more political ways of passing gas in public, like practicing his public display of flatulence. He discovered that if he had to break the wind and it was during his speech for people. He could do it next to the nearest large animals such as horses, donkeys, and mules. Then he could easily blame them for the act of farting.
He even scheduled more quality times to fart together with Farterella more often.
And thanks to Farterella’s precision Farting targeting system, any time they wanted to take a short daytime nap together. She could temporarily silence all the singing canaries with her Fart.
Years passed. Our happy royal married couple took advantage of their unique love and ability to move gas to publish their new book. They created and released the first book of Passing Gas at Proper Places throughout the land.
Fundamentally, the first book trained all future generations on the basic proper etiquette of farting and ways to avoid public and personal embarrassment. You see the practical results from the complex and lengthy lifetime joint work of Fartimus and Farterella together in today’s societies.
Unfortunately, that book vanished through the dust of time. But science proves that there are solid Fartimus and Farterella genes in all of us.
They lived a long smelly, gross marital life and sat over each other’s faces and released gas happily ever after.
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