Whobeda's Guide to Basic Astrology

A Note to the Guys

Let me guess. It happened again. As an astrologer I know what the planets are doing out there and it’s obvious when their misbehavior is reflecting on relationships. While you undoubtedly get sick of women generally and probably swear them off at least two or three times a year, you eventually realize that your relationship with Carmen Electra is really too superficial, even for you, and decide to try again. In an effort to apologize on behalf of the planets and facilitate your conciliatory efforts I'll try to explain some of her behavior below. Hopefully knowing what to expect will help and if you have some damage control to take care of, go to the Meltdown Repair Guide below for more ideas.

However, let me preface all this with a reminder that in spite of what you may believe, some and possibly all of the problem is undoubtedly looking at you from the mirror. Yes, you, butthead. Let me give you an example that is probably simple enough even for guys to understand. I have a birdfeeder in my yard. My favorites are the cardinals. During most of the year, the males couldn't care less if the females get their share and will even chase them away. However, come spring, when their very tiny bird brains are thinking how nice those female tail feathers really look and how much they'd like to ruffle them a bit suddenly they change their attitude. Then, rather than chasing their female counterparts from the feeder, it's common to see the males actually feeding seeds to their selected female.

Do the math, buddy. If a bird can figure it out, you should be able to, also.

So, that said, let's get started. Regardless of what your sign or your sweetie's happens to be, as all guys know there are times where she just starts speaking feminese and you're not going to have a clue what she's talking about. That gender barrier has been there since the beginning of time and never, I mean NEVER, entirely goes away. [NOTE: Unless, of course, you happen to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender. But even then if one of you is logic based and the other emotion based, there will be misunderstandings as noted earlier on sign compatibility.] Further complicating a male’s understanding of a female is the fact that, even within the feminese language itself, are various dialects, making it even more difficult for males to understand. In the context of astrology this means that there are sign-related differences in how a girl reacts emotionally. I'm sure you'll recognize some if not all of them in the primer below.

If she's a Watergirl (Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces) there will be lots of affection and warmth and all sorts of sweet femininity that wins your heart. Conversely, there will also be lots of tears. If she really gets upset there will probably be episodes that involve her throwing herself down on the couch (or floor or bed or even ground, but hopefully not in Wal-mart), all accompanied with heart-wrenching sobs. You may need to buy tissues in caselots. This behavior will mess with everything about you that's male, similar to throwing water in an electrical outlet. More than likely you'll be willing to do just about anything to get her to stop. (P.S. She knows this.)

For female Earth (Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn) signs, you'll rarely see her cry, if at all. She's generally cool and logical and the most you'll probably see is her eyes gradually disappear behind a wall of tears (and only if you're attentive). You'll barely begin to figure out she might be upset when she'll either get it under control and wipe her eyes, saying her allergies are kicking up again, or if it's really serious she'll leave the room and go underground. If you try and get her to talk about it she'll refuse and more than likely you won't even know what "it" happens to be. Furthermore, she'll hold it against you because you DON'T know. Just because you seldom if ever see her cry doesn't mean she's not emotional. Ice queens definitely exist, but more often she just doesn't want to carry on in front of you, or anyone else, for that matter, except maybe her mother. And if she's a Capricorn, probably not even her mother. (If YOU happen to be a water sign yourself, she'll be more logical about emotional issues than you are and drive you crazy in an entirely different way.)

Classic female Air (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius) signs can generate lots of sobs and sniffles, combined with incessant talking. No, make that jabbering or maybe blubbering because you probably won't be able to understand a word she's saying. She'll go on and on and when you've run away screaming because you can't take anymore, she'll be on the phone with all her friends, relatives and coworkers telling them what a sleezebag you are. But don't worry, they won't be able to understand a word, either. Once she gets past that stage, she will want to talk endlessly about it until she understands everything possible to understand. This could involve delving into your childhood, past life regressions, astrological transits for the two of you for the time in question, and possibly consulting her psychologist as well as yours. (If you don't have one now you probably will by the time you're through.) Once she gets to the point she thinks she knows what happened she'll be amazing unemotional about it all, especially if she's a Gemini. They distract easily, remember?

If your beloved is a Fire (Aries, Leo, Sagittarius) sign, well, your best bet with this chick may be to get out of Dodge as quickly as possible. Really. When she's hot, she's hot, but this is when you're really going to pay the price. You'll not only get all the tears but lots of yelling, a stanza or so of screaming, and more than likely hitting, either you or something else. She'll probably throw things, too, so be prepared to either catch it or duck, both of which will infuriate her even more. We're talking real drama queen here. You are not too likely to feel sorry for her but rather have a much less benevolent reaction. Try to bear in mind that she's really hurting. And therefore, wants to hurt you. Whatever you do, don't laugh. In her mind, that would make it justifiable homicide.

While I know that no guy likes it when his girl cries, knowing what to expect may help some. And though I hate to betray my gender by letting out one of our secrets, some females know the power of their tears and will use them to exploit you. (Not to point fingers, but the Watergirls are probably some of the most qualified experts. Air girls are next, but Earth signs will seldom do this since they won't display emotion in the first place.) You also need to remember that very few people are purely one element and you are likely to see a mixture of these behaviors, depending on her Moon sign and other chart elements.

So what's a guy to do? There is no panacea for all feminese displays of emotion, but one that comes close is the "Hold me" solution. Unless your life would be physically in danger by getting that close it's usually worth trying. But let me warn you right now not to get the mistaken notion that "hold me" is synonymous with "let's have sex." Granted, if you execute it properly that could be a possible side benefit, but if you go into it with that intent it could exacerbate the entire situation and result in you being cutoff entirely for a significant amount of time.

So if you opt out of "hold me", then your best bet is to remain calm, tell her you're sorry she's so upset and that you love her (if you really do) and that you'll talk later. Then leave. Don't be too surprised if the pitch within rises behind the closed door or you hear the sound of objects hitting it as you retreat. This is entirely normal. While you're out, you might want to pick up some flowers or some other peace offering for when you return. In the meantime, go have a beer. I'm sure you can find a sympathetic ear at your favorite bar. Chances are you won't be the only one there for that reason. And more than likely THEY will understand!

Then when you start missing her, check the following Meltdown Repair Guide for further suggestions on how to make things right.