It’s Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal

Perhaps, like me and my clients, you have attributed your feelings of exhaustion, overwhelm, and dissatisfaction to burnout—the all-too-familiar foe of the modern professional. But what if burnout isn’t the full story? What if something deeper is causing similar symptoms? And what if that something deeper is a feeling of betrayal?

Why It's Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal

The World Health Organization describes burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that has not been successfully managed. It is characterized by three symptoms:

11

 Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt

1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion, 2. Increased mental distancing from one’s job or feeling negative towards one’s career, and 3. Reduced professional productivity.

Burnout is such a big problem that it's estimated to cost the U.S. over 500 billion dollars every year, with some estimates reaching the trillions.

Betrayal, on the other hand, is defined as the breaking of an expectation that you have relied on, which ruptures your view of yourself or the world. Or, as with work, your view of your career. A betrayal can be as simple as someone breaking a confidence or taking credit for a project or idea that was yours, or as complex as the realization that you have betrayed yourself by selling out to a dream that was not your own.

The symptoms of betrayal trauma include: Feeling emotionally numb and withdrawing socially,

Having negative beliefs about yourself and others, Experiencing hypervigilance toward perceived potential threats,

Difficulty managing your emotions, and Questioning your ability to make decisions.

12

 It’s Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal The symptoms of betrayal are strikingly similar to the symptoms of burnout yet have very different root causes.

The root cause of burnout is unmanaged stress. The root cause of betrayal is broken expectations that have ruptured your view of yourself, the world, or your career.

The solution to this 500-billion-dollar-per-year problem is not to do more. Doing more leads to more stress and more opportunity to have your expectations broken. Have you ever maniacally stormed through your home trying to get out the door or driven too fast or somewhat aggressively in a valiant attempt to be on time for your relaxing self-care? “Out of my way! I’m late to my massage!” How about beating yourself up because you did not have time to meditate or take a walk? I’m sure I’m not the only one who has become more stressed or angry trying to do things that were supposed to calm me down or make me feel good.

While the push for more self-care, better scheduling systems, or finding quality support can help, they can also create more stress, anxiety, and feelings of failure. For instance, I once used a weekly planning system designed to help me manage and excel in all areas of my life. From tracking my water intake and counting macros to better managing my workflow and setting concrete goals, this planning system was so complex that I spent three angst-filled hours every weekend trying to get my weekly plans in place, even though those plans were rarely fulfilled.

13

 Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt

Talk about feeling like a failure; I couldn’t even succeed at scheduling time to de-stress!

Another time, I hired an online business manager who required more energy and time to manage than I had ever spent simply doing the work myself. The result of these supposed time-saving and stress-reducing strategies?

More stress, more frustration, more feeling bad about myself, and more ruptured expectations. The solution begins by knowing the difference between burnout and betrayal, so you can solve the correct problem and choose solutions that work for you.

Is it Burnout, or a Sense of Betrayal?

If you are curious whether it’s burnout or betrayal, the first thing to do is ask yourself if what you are experiencing feels more like stress that has been unsuccessfully managed (in which case it’s burnout), or disappointment from having your expectations broken and your worldview ruptured (in which case it’s betrayal). The typical response when pondering this question is, “Oh, I’ve never thought of it that way, but now that you mention it, I do feel like I’ve been betrayed!” The bottom line is, if betrayal resonates, there’s probably some betrayal going on. If you still are not sure, go back to the definitions and symptoms of burnout and betrayal, and see which one fits you best.

Just know that it is usually not exclusively one or the other. There could be a little bit of each going on.

14

 It’s Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal Ironically, being unable to manage stress effectively can lead to feelings of betrayal, because you think you should be able to manage life or career more effectively than you are. If you’re anything like me, there have been plenty of times when you thought something should be quicker or easier than it was, leaving you feeling frustrated and incompetent on a whole other level.

Another way to differentiate between burnout and betrayal is by trying some of the traditional remedies for burnout and observing whether they work. Traditional remedies for burnout include things like meditation and mindfulness, movement, connecting with nature, taking breaks throughout the day, vacations where you fully unplug, weekends without work, better scheduling and support, and various forms of breathwork. If you’re stumped, do a quick online search for remedies for burnout or how to address burnout and see what comes up. The ways to manage stress are endless!

If the traditional remedies for burnout (that target stress) work for you, you are probably burned out. For example, if you are fresh on Monday mornings after a weekend away, if holiday breaks and flextime make a noticeable and lasting difference in your level of engagement, or if your attitude and satisfaction level are better when you participate in things like on-site fitness options or meditation apps, then the remedies that address burnout (stress) are working. This means you are probably burned out. If so, keep using these tools. If necessary, consider 15

 Lora Cheadle, JD, CHt

adding more or experimenting with different kinds of stress-relieving tools to offset the amount of stress you are under.

Remember, too, that not all stress-reduction tools work equally well for every person or every situation. I know trial and error can be frustrating, especially when you want immediate relief, but sometimes, it’s the best way to figure out what works for you. If despite experimenting with a multitude of stress-management options, you find that you are just as disengaged and grouchy as you were before, your symptoms are probably not due to burnout or a lack of stress-management skills. They are probably due to a sense of betrayal.

Other clues that what you are experiencing is a sense of betrayal are if:

Your morale or sense of self has dropped, or you feel like your efforts are wasted, so why bother trying,

You find yourself gossiping, taking sides, or feeling like others are against you because life is a strategy game that you must win at all costs, and You feel cynical, resentful, and like no matter what happens, it’s never quite enough to make you happy.

So, what is it for you? Is it burnout, betrayal, or a little bit of both? In the next section, we will explore the five tools 16

It’s Not Burnout; It’s Betrayal

that are a part of the FUEL UP toolbox. These tools are not stress-management techniques but are tools that will help you manage your expectations and combat feelings of betrayal. You will learn what each tool is, when to use it, and what it will do for you, so you can stop feeling betrayed and start feeling connected and energized, and like your life and career have meaning again.