As I explained in an earlier chapter, the pain makes me feel closer to Reg. Therefore, the idea of being fully healed also scares me, because then it feels as if Reg would be further away. Apparently, Queen Victoria felt the same way. She admitted to her daughter Alice that she was afraid to get too well. When The Times reported that Victoria looked better, Victoria “ordered it to be contradicted.” A lord, Lord Clarendon, said Victoria was “anxious that all her hair should be grey,” which would show her grief.ix
Along the same lines, people have asked me if I’m “better.” Like “heal,” I think that is a stupid thing to ask. I don’t need to get “better.” There is nothing wrong with me. It’s not as if I have a virus. It’s not as if I’m trying to get “better” at something such as running, painting, or some other activity. Again, there is nothing wrong with me. I’m grieving my husband and feel as if I lost part of my heart and soul. So I don’t need to get better.
My grief counselor told me she has a client that says, “I’m okay. I’m not good.” I admire that. I’m okay. But I’m not good for sure. The woman lets people sit in discomfort when she says that, since people generally want her to be okay or good. They expect her to “heal” or be “all better.” I have a quote on my wall that says, “I’m not okay and that’s okay.” That brings me peace because that is the truth. I appreciate that friends and family want me to be “healed” and “all better,” but it’s important for me to just be at peace.
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