Anthology of Evil

“But, I thought—I mean, wouldn’t you—shouldn’t you be, the Lord, Jesus? Or, perhaps one of Your Angels, come to speak with me, a mere mortal?” Japheth said, shaking out of fear and the migraine that was still wracking his body, back in that sunlit field. Luckily, or by choice of the Lord before him, he felt no pain now.

“No, Jay, no Angel, no Jesus. Don’t think so little of yourself. Actually, no one has ever seen anyone, ethereally speaking, except Me. I am “The One”, you see? I don’t know why that is such a difficult concept for the average Joe, or Jay for that matter, to conceive. There are no others, none needed, really.” Japheth’s Lord God, hesitated. “I’m sorry, Jay, but might as well get right to the point here, My being so busy, running the Universe and all.” God drifted off for a moment, then snapped back, “Anyway, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“A favor, Lord? Why, anything, surely, certainly, whatever you want.” Japheth said, hoping it was something good and exciting, something he could later share with his children. Was he to be asked to lead the way, would he become a leader? A teacher? He was ready. He would do anything the Lord asked of him. Of course he would. “Whatever it is, Lord, whatever you ask, I will carry it out.” Then, he added, “Without hesitation.”

“Now, see?” The Lord hesitated, “Yes, yes, I’ve heard that one before. If only it were true. Surely, most usually do what I ask of them in the end, but let’s face it, NOT without hesitation; perhaps, you should have left that part off. No one ever does these things without hesitation and I really do wish they just, would. It always makes things so uncomfortable. And after all, when you’re talking with the Supreme Being, well, no one can ever refuse in the end, so they might as well just—oh, well, never mind. It’s just that they always think it’s some kind of a test, like I’m running a grade school or something.” God shook his head, looking a little forlorn. “Nope, no grade school, or anything.” God smiled. “This is “The Show”, like in baseball; it’s the real deal here.”

“Then I take it back, Lord. As you wish, of course. But still, you know that I will do whatever is asked of me. You are our Creator, I am your humble servant. So, how could I refuse?”

God gave him a funny look. “But, I guess you just said that—“ God nodded. Japheth felt a little crestfallen; some of the wind taken out of his sails. ‘What could it be,’ he wondered? Then he remembered that God knew everything he was thinking and he got a cold chill down his spine, and shuddered a little.

“Relax, Jay. Yes, of course I know what you’re thinking. I mean, this is either a dream, or I really am omniscient, right? Really, it’s kind of annoying, but it’s hard to stop doing. I mean, when you know all, see all— how DO you stop knowing all and seeing, well—all?”

“Lord, no offense, but, if you’re all powerful, then how can you not do it, if you want, uh, not, to uh, do it.” Japheth was getting a little lost in his own thoughts again. For a moment, he wondered how his body was fairing, back in the hot field. He was hoping someone had put him in the shade.

“Please, don’t throw that Divine Conundrum crap at me.” The Lord said. Japheth shrank a little at the word, “crap”.

“Oh, don’t give me that. “Crap”, isn’t a bad word. Relax.” Japheth relaxed a little, but not much. “I mean,” The Lord said, “I admit, it’s not a great word, I guess you could say it’s even a bad word, in a way, but I mean, it’s not a “bad” word per se, like one you shouldn’t use or anything like that. Besides, they’re all my words anyway. Right? I mean, I can even use My Name in vain, if I choose, if you see what I mean. Right?”

“I’d prefer not to speak on that, Lord. If You please.” Japheth was getting nervous again. What the Hell was this all about, anyway? ‘Oh, I shouldn’t have said that,’ Japheth thought. He looked at The Lord who was looking at him, shaking his head having read his thoughts, but then cocked his head sidewise as if to indicate, ‘it’s really not a big deal.’

“Okay, okay. Hey! Now there is a great word. But not really a word is it, though it’s kind of grown into one. Okayyy. Yeah, it just has a nice ring to it, you know? It’s so, “useable”. If you see what I mean. Did you know that word has gone around the world? In every language? Pretty cool, don’t you think? Did you know that no one really knows where it originated? Some guy just came out with a book about its etymology, its origins, but he’s not quite on track either. I mean, I know, but no one’s asked Me. Not that I really feel like going into it, it’s really rather boring. Besides etymologists have come up with far more interesting sources, even if they are incorrect. Just look it up. Hit Wikipedia sometime.”

Japheth sucked in a breath, at the mention of the Internet.

“Oh, relax. The Internet isn’t Satan’s playground. It’s mine, really. Now that’s an interesting etymology. Did you know that Satan has nothing to do with anything and never actually existed? No, he wasn’t a fallen angel or my once favorite or anything like that. I mean, I never heard of him until some Human dreamed him up, then started assigning him all kinds of powers; basically giving themselves powers because they had scared the crap out of everyone else and no one was brave enough to call, “bullshit” on him and his. Satan. Too funny, I really didn’t see that one coming.” God laughed. “I mean, I didn’t create him. It’s actually just an old Hebrew word that roughly translates as, “adversary”.

Japheth was confused. He had been following what he thought was “God’s Law” all this time, but now, he really wasn’t sure what to think.