THE REBELLION AGAINST
THE GOD OF MYSELF
For a long time I thought that when I prayed or received an insight or inspiration, I was speaking with God. It turns out that, apparently, I was speaking to my angel, my spiritual self, and not God.
I discovered this recently when pain took over a portion of my body and a large portion of my attention and it became clear that the ME that was always in control and responsible for EVERYTHING was no longer in control. Pain, like an arrogant angel, refused to obey ME, the God of Myself.
This rebellion shattered my trust. Our body is built up out of trust of seamless experiences of life. We trust that from one day to the next things will be pretty much connected as they had been. Even after injuries our bodies adapt. This builds up TRUST IN LIFE, a fundamental, very deep existential trust in the FABRIC of life and it is related to your experience of the world. This trust in life can be shattered with a significant illness or injury. This rebellion against the God of Myself was significant.
WHY AM I HERE?
From a certain perspective, my physical body was the ground of my world, the lower order of life, my tradition, and the religious establishment of myself. It seems the same for others. On this we build up our psyche, our identities, our personalities, our biographies. So the rebellion of the obstreperous angel of the body triggered a response.
It is not unusual for maturing men and women to weep for their lost youth. Many of us have clung to hopeful fantasies of future accomplishments. (My bucket list includes climbing Longs Peak just once more and this sciatica put that at risk!) These are woven from our bodies. I harbored and whispered these hopes to myselves (important personality fragments: Jean the teen, Jean the 20-something, etc.) when we were alone. These myselves emerge as our doppelganger, our soul double, and stand beside our angel.
My higher self, my double and the obstreperous angel of my body walk into a bar. This is not a joke; this separation of physical and spiritual can be powerful and can deepen the feelings of loss of trust in life or self-confidence. It can happen at any age. This is precisely the moment when many start drinking or doing drugs. Some because they feel failure and give up (flight); others because the ego wants to prove that it is more powerful than addictive substances (fight).
But addicts will tell you that they escape from addiction only through a moment of clarity (the gap we explore elsewhere) and self-reflection with the help of others. This is true for us all.
The automatic trust in the fabric of life, in the protective power of guardian beings, is gone. Like the sentient beings we are, you beat us once and we will be apprehensive. Beat us twice and we know who you really are. There are no illusions about the future.
I asked the simple question: Why have I arrived at this place? Why am I here? Perhaps it is this moment of clarity.
WHAT DO I WANT?
Objectivity. All of this has earned me a certain freedom from myself. I am liberated, a little bit, from me. My body is a little bit more broken and willing to let go. I have begun to step away from the God of Myself. My doppelgangers and I are doing a bit of sorting out. Gaining this objectivity will be essential for my being strong enough to consciously participate in the next steps. Our role is to NOT be a passive victim but to be response-able, alert and responsive like a wrestler in the grip of, and gripping, a powerful opponent so tightly that you can feel the muscles beneath the skin. We are one in a struggle. Wrestling with this angel will prove to have been an important factor in determining the course of my revelation. Living spirit is never bound to tradition; it blows through the channels of experience in our lives as it will.
The following verse has been helpful to me.
“For the Michael Age” also called “Meditation for Courage,” by Rudolf Steiner
We must eradicate from the soul all fear and terror
of what comes towards us from the future.
We must look forward
With absolute equanimity to whatever comes
And we must think only that
Whatever comes is given to us
By a World Direction full of wisdom.
It is part of what we must learn during this age,
Namely to act out of pure trust
In the ever present help of the Spiritual World.
Truly nothing else will do
If our Courage is not to fail us.
Therefore let us discipline our will,
And let us seek the awakening from within ourselves,
Every morning and every evening.
This struggle is universal and is detailed by Rudolf Steiner in his book Esoteric Science, Section V, Cognition of Higher Worlds, part 2. http://wn.rsarchive.org/Books/GA013/English/AP1972/GA013_c05-02.html.
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