A Bloodied Tapestry

The price I paid for getting my “war nerves” in Vietnam from 1967 to 1969 was not evident to me until 1990. As part of my professional training in treating war trauma, I was attending a PTSD workshop. I remember listening to the story of a navy medic, a veteran of Vietnam. Suddenly out of the blue it hit me: his story was my story.

He was telling his story about how he had been so long in denial. He all these years suffered disordered sleep undiagnosed because he thought himself “a lowly medic” and not worthy of war stress disorders. As a lowly civilian in that war, my body heaved in grief as I wept in recognition. From then on, I identified myself as a Civilian Vietnam War Veteran.

This was the beginning of being able to tell the story that I now invite you to read. A story that contains the normal struggles of my life: my high idealism and the terrifying realism of war, of loving friendship and of deep betrayal. Nothing that unusual or fantastical…but it’s my story just the same.

I know that the writing of this story is more about my needing to tell it, and I’m not sure why. In truth, I do hope the story will create a sympathetic view of “the enemy,” which most often starts from within. To love and to forgive ourselves and others for our participation in “bad times” past. Each side was fighting for their cherished beliefs, and as a principle of war, committed to getting the killing done as quickly as possible.

War philosophers predict that misuse of the principles of war leads to unending and unwinnable wars. We observed violations of these principles in our time. Predicting wars could end badly. And they did. Many of our generals betrayed us. Sold out to the military industrial complex. Eisenhower warned us.

I am as guilty of participating in the sins of war as anyone else.

As a way of healing from the pain of war, I imagine each side offering apologies for the horrible deeds and atrocities committed. Confession is good for the collective soul. War is barbarism. Such a reconciliation would go a long way to healing the psychic wound still at the core of the American/Vietnamese relationship. We are beautiful peoples who need to heal the wounds of war.

And I do see that taking place…I read stories of old enemies meeting in peace on former battle fields in mutual respect, old soldiers on both sides eating and drinking in good company.

June 27, 2021

JanStephen James Cavanaugh