Giving and Self-loathing May 13, 2025
There's a part of my self-esteem or self-image that is so low that I believe people wouldn't be my friends unless I did something for them. There is a vision inside me, it speaks and says I'm not worthy of love. Because of this hidden self-assessment, I assume that I have to give something in order for people to want to spend time with me or like me. It results in actions in which I try to win, earn, or buy their friendship.
That type of giving is not the type of giving that God would want me to be involved in. At times, it's hard to discern the difference between being generous with my friends and giving to earn friendship. For me, that's probably truer for newer friends. I've already become secure in the love and acceptance of older friends.
The issue is really more of me loving myself than others loving me. If I judge myself unworthy, I won't believe it when anyone says otherwise. It leaves me believing that I am unlovable and that people wouldn't like me if I never did anything for them.
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