I spent years redirecting my frustration at “the little things” my husband did that disturbed my well-being. I practiced gratitude intensely, and it did change my world. I made redirecting a sport and got good at it. But the shadow side of it is that I dismissed myself and my needs in the process. Yes, it is annoying that he chews with his mouth open and his elbows on the table, BUT he is a good guy. He is a great provider, a loving dad, kind, etc. . . .
And none of these “little things” would have been divorce-worthy in a marriage where there is a strong chemical bond. The reason most of my women friends stay married is because there is a sense of deep mutual respect . . . and some good fun in the bedroom. Unless they don’t leave because of fear, but that’s another story.
For our marriage, on top of all the daily challenges of life, the drunk episodes were too profoundly damaging, undermining all our genuine efforts at deep connection in therapy. There was never trust, energetically speaking, between my bio-intelligence and his body. I could never relax. I certainly couldn’t orgasm.
There was something so disturbingly incongruent between the good guy I knew to be my husband, the hardworking provider, the man who would accompany me to therapy and support my healing with his hard-earned dollars . . . and the guy in the bedroom. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, let alone my heart. I was losing respect. And loving him less.
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