The Goddess Guide to Divorce: A Memoir

chapter nineteen

A New Chapter

I.

Large hand wrapped around my neck.

Firm.

Holding me down.

My eyes follow the veins snaking up the muscular forearm.

Along the flexed bicep.

Up past a sinewy boxer’s shoulder.

I lock onto wide irises, blue, boring into mine.

And I moan.

My body—finally!—used, not abused, according to its

(divine)

design.

Pinned—deliciously, into willing surrender.

Succumbed, to the tireless thrust of my lover’s hips.

Relaxed, into deep connection.

Receiving him, with trusting abandon.

I’m game. I am game.

I am his game.

Prey?

Oh! I prayed for this. Yes, pursue me, chase me and . . .

consume me.

Play! With me.

My whirling tantrum of decades—the rage of frustration,

of my body used in wrong ways while

unseen, unheard, unappreciated,

unsafe.

Rage—finally abating.

Adding my drop of honey into the bloodstream of the Goddess

Doing my bit to calm Her Cosmic Tantrum of Centuries

as She called and called

and called

for her Equal to finally, fully,

Show. The Fuck. Up.

I am no longer in fear (and possibly hatred) of men.

I divorced, and divorced, and divorced . . .

and still proceeded to fall in love.

With me.

I gathered the disintegrated pieces of my soul,

regained my integrity.

I can feel my own boundaries.

And because I now know me—

Then, of course, I love me.

And because I can love me,

I can choose

to open my borders,

to share my Self.

My true self.

And so it is that I can truly love . . . an “other.”

Open-hearted love, balls-out love, all-penetrating love.

A love I dove into not because the mind checks boxes but

because it feels right.

Attuned with the body every instant,

her wisdom informing me.

“Do I want this?” (yes)

“Do I want this?” (yes)

I am finally able to hear her, heed her.

I no longer ignore, or force.

I flow around the barrage of shoulds,

of this-is-how-it’s-done and this-is-not-done.

The mirage of externally imposed rules evaporating.

I acquiesce, humbled by the accuracy of her delicate voice,

guiding me now through the great adventure

I always yearned for.  

Partnership.

Yes, she said.

Him.