I feel the shift. I have turned a corner. Something inside me has changed. The other voices in my head are not so loud anymore. I don’t get caught up in them when those old tapes are triggered. I don’t accept them as the absolute truth anymore. I still sometimes question my worthiness and capabilities. My life still has problems and unresolved issues. I still make mistakes and wrong choices but they are just mistakes and my choices. I am living in joy. I am happy with who I am becoming and the life I am creating.
I still have moments of loneliness, frustrations, concerns, and doubts about the future but what matters is this day right now. I wake up every morning excited to see the ocean. I watch the sunrise, the waves crest and cascade and roll onto shore. I watch the tide come in and go out. I talk to strangers. I make new friends. I enjoy a cup of tea or a glass of wine. I spend hours writing and daydreaming and just being. These simple pleasures are the very moments of living my life fully and abundantly. I am at peace. I am free. I am filled with joy. I know that this is the accumulation of years of searching that have come before this moment.
Each of us benefits from having someone trust in us and believe in us when we are not sure of our self or when we question our capabilities or potential for growth. I think now that this is part of my attachment to John. At the center, he accepted who I was in that moment. He made me feel accepted. Through his acceptance and encouragement, I could feel my dad’s acceptance and encouragement that I missed so deeply. I no longer depend on John although I do miss his presence in my life.
My continued hope each day comes through the support and guidance of those around me. Some provide a deep long lasting and continual support and I count on them to be there for me. Some people appear briefly and offer me guidance when I need it. I am grateful for them all.
Where has God been in all this? Most of my life I have had faith but have been at odds with God. When my father died I became angry with God. That anger has always simmered through all parts of this journey. Even in the sanctuary of the spiritual retreat center I felt led there and then felt alone on my own without help or guidance. Then moments of light shone through briefly but instead of helping me confused me.
I am still not sure about God maybe that is why I rely on the Angels instead. Angels are whom I ask for help and guidance from. I continue to count on them as my divine connection. The ocean is sacred and spiritual for me. That foundation is faith. Faith in the unseen, the unknown but yet a deep knowing that assistance, guidance, and help are always there and I can count on it. It just never looks the way I want it to or expect it to and even at times, I don’t even like the answers or guidance at all. Most often the things that make me feel hurt or anger, or that appear to be the direct opposite of what I have prayed for, are a blessing in disguise. I must continue walking in faith even if it is blind faith and trust that I will walk through it and always find my way through the woods to the sea, to the center of me, my soul, and my spirit.
Questions are still left unanswered. But it is necessary to ask them. Questions often just lead to more questions. The questions guide the journey towards self-discovery. Leaning into them sends me down one path or another. The answers may never be discovered. I am comfortable living with the questions. Live the questions.
To step into oneself and step out into life one needs to have a solid sense-of-self as well as the courage to give voice outwardly to the inward longings of the soul. This has taken time but I am reaching this place and feel content with my progress.
Step into the person you are today and continue to step into the person you are becoming. Live the becoming. Embrace it. Live from your core self and flow with the changes of the process that occur within and without. Watch as you open to yourself and watch life open up and expand into magnificent waves spilling out endless treasures for you to experience. Life is a dance. Dance beyond the breakers.
By bring forth your own true self and expressing it fully leads you to live to your fullest potential and your best life. When you show up in the world in a way that is authentic and genuine staying true to who you are – your life will shift - miracles will happen and your life will change in the most amazing ways.
I know I am finally stepping into myself and stepping my authentic self out into my life. I am now living my life through my authentic self. I am no longer invisible. I am present in my life. As I live each day being present in every moment, following my heart, expressing who I am making my own unique imprint in the world I overflowing with joy and having fun. I am having a life with me in it!
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