How Not To Pull Your Family Apart

Grandpa James is aware of the toll that helping him and Grandma Carolyn has taken on his daughter. He knows she has taken time off from work and passed up a promotion. He has seen what a roller coaster of emotions it has been for both his daughter and his son-in-law. He also suspects Jodi has put funds aside in case she needs to pay for services or provide other financial assistance. He read an article about the effect it would have on his daughter’s retirement if she continues to help them. It saddens him, but until now, he really didn’t know what to do about it. Hard as it will be, he agrees to participate in the process since Jodi said it is a just-in-case scenario and it is a family project.

Grandpa James closes the call with a smile, saying, “OK, looks like a family project, but let’s not get carried away. What do you have in mind as a potential solution?” He sees both relief and concern spread over the faces of the others. He experiences a flood of mixed emotions, but is determined to appear to be supportive—provided he approves of this plan!

We know Grandpa James is not necessarily on the same page as the rest of the family. My three steps provide an organized way to work toward a solution. The steps are a natural progression, similar to what we see during a home renovation. The home represents a family’s history and emotional ties for multiple generations. During the home renovation design phase, family values, dreams, and wishes come to light. As things progress, decisions are made based on what is possible since not every wish can become a reality. Similarly, the reality of planning for a family’s eventual need for limited, extended, or long-term care initially involves gathering wishes which will need to be tempered by factual realties.

Next, construction on the home begins and inevitably challenges arise. Challenges are overcome by having the right person in the right role. Compromises must be made based on feasible options, priorities, and practicalities, so the team must work together. In the end, the family, designers, and workers are pretty happy with the results of the planned renovation. For each renovation, the overall process is the same, but the outcomes vary by family needs and resources. In a nutshell, they used a process. The Jones family, like most, need a process that leads to accomplishing their goal. And like the home renovation team, both planners and recipients will have to prioritize must haves over nice to haves, gather information, examine options, assign roles, and accept modifications and changes along the way. The three steps provide an inclusive rather than exclusive approach, with the goal of creating an effective plan.