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Cara E Koch
a book bubble about
From Heartbreak to Healing
Self-Help
Author Insight
Parental Alienation is Counter-Intuitive
Identifying Parental Alienation is counterintuitive. Here is why: One of the reasons it can be so difficult for courts to identify the cause of parental rejection is the emotional distress experienced by the rejected parent. The depression and high level of unending anxiety, the loss of identity as mother or father, and the hopelessness that results from not seeing their children for months or years, can make a parent experiencing this trauma seem hostile and unstable. On the other hand, a parent who is emotionally enmeshed with a child can appear to have a close and loving relationship with the child, even though the enmeshment is driven by a fear of not surviving if the child lose that parent. Enmeshed children cannot think for themselves because they feel so dependent on the alienating parent they cannot think independently. Their thoughts become those of the parent who is emotionally manipulating them to believe that the other parent is all “bad.” Total rejection of one parent is a RED FLAG for PA because, as anyone who works with troubled children knows, children who are truly abused by a parent do what they can to get the abusing parent to like them. They do not fiercely reject them.
Book Excerpt
From Heartbreak to Healing
In addition to the two core elements of parental alienation already listed, both my own experience as well as research of others indicates that spousal abuse is a third element of parental alienation. Here are some of the identifiers in a target parent:
• Depression due to limited or no contact with child
• High levels of anxiety
• Loss of identity as a parent
• Lost sense of purpose
• Inability to form or sustain new relationships
• Disturbing thought patterns related to shame, stigma, self-blame, and learned helplessness and hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts (about half of parents who believe they are alienated have considered suicide within the past year)
What Target Parents Had to SayThis is absolutely the most debilitating thing I have ever been through. I liken it to dealing with the death of my daughter daily, but it never ends.
My son has drifted in and out of my life for the past 15 years … When he went to live with his father, I suffered panic attacks and PTSD. I am now better but feel neither my son nor I will ever recover. I feel distrustful of others now, and I don’t want to have to tell my story. There’s too much judgment. I struggle with self-doubt because I could not protect him.
My mind goes haywire when I start thinking about this stuff. It is going on right now. I think I have developed PTSD. I just can’t function. My mind shuts down and I feel so frustrated because I can’t express what I have to say. Everything gets scrambled. I sound like a nut … too much anxiety.
I desperately want to warn other parents … am struggling to keep my head above water. Shame is a daily burden.
I have been angry for a decade, to the extent that I have trouble keeping a job. In fact, I am unemployed right now. Insomnia keeps me exhausted … (Father)
I am not able to work. I was hospitalized for a month and a half and am on meds; I have PTSD. Reunification is TOUGH! It is impossible to find therapists who have experience and knowledge to deal with PA. (Mother)
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