From Heartbreak to Healing

Here are some comments from target parents whose alienator they believe to be narcissistic.

There was even a diagnosis that my ex has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the judge still ordered co-parenting. He refuses to cooperate in any way, but they don’t enforce visitation. I cannot afford to keep fighting this and don’t know what to do.

In the order the judge states, “There has been pathological parenting on the side of the father.” The judge still left the children in the care of the father.

I was beside myself with worry over my daughter’s suicide threat, but the Guardian Ad Litem favored her father, saying I was crazy because I “created drama.” Later I found out she was in a relationship with the judge. My ex is a wealthy narcissist who poisoned my daughter’s dog after threatening to do so as a way of controlling her to reject me.

The court system is behind. My wife is clearly narcissistic. And in my research, I have come to understand why, but that doesn’t make it right. I managed to live with her for 28 years and was the last person she cut out of her life, but six years ago when I cut off her credit card after she charged thousands of dollars, she locked me out of the house and turned the kids against me. Court didn’t enforce visitation and she moved so I no longer know where she is, although I pay her alimony—required for half the years of our marriage.

What Does Not Work

The experience reflected in my survey echoes the previously mentioned research: traditional psychotherapy conducted by parental alienation nonexperts who use traditional therapy does not work.

The following are quotes from parental alienation experts about traditional therapists who try to treat parental alienation without specific training and extensive experience:

Such an approach is worse than worthless because while the therapist provides futile treatment, the child, already injured, is deprived of effective intervention—including protection. —Steve Miller 2013

Practitioners who are trained to use their intuition and work with people as if they are capable of making rational and reasonable changes are not prepared for working with this group [parental alienation] of families. —Karen Woodall 2019

As stated before, part of the cause of therapeutic ineffectiveness is the lack of expertise of therapists who do not have training in this very complex, counterintuitive subspecialty. This means they cannot rely on their intuition to tell them what is going on. Instead, they need to apply the science of their profession. However, the problem is magnified by the pervasive lack of accountability in a court system that does not provide timely and appropriate sanctions when court orders are not followed.

Courts depend on the recommendation of mental health specialists to assess and make recommendations for custody cases, challenges to visitation plans, accusations of child abuse and neglect, and the like. The concept of reunification to reconnect separated family members began in 2000, so it is still very much in an experimental phase of development. Research about what works and does not work is only just beginning. Therefore, ethical guidelines and the establishment of best practices have yet to be developed, though this is beginning to happen by leaps and bounds.