How Did This Sh*t Become a Number One Hit?

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Lorne Greene—“Ringo” (1964)

When all else fails, just confuse listeners into buying your record.

Bonanza was without question one of the most beloved and successful TV shows in American history. Running from 1959 until 1973, Bonanza saw four presidential administrations, one war, and more than its share of nauseating fashion trends. And it wasn’t easy for a Western to stand out amid an overabundance of programs featuring six-shooters and dramatic horse chases beneath anachronistic jet streaks in the sky. But America became well acquainted with the Cartwrights, and Canadian actor Lorne Greene would become one of the most recognizable TV dads (well, a TV dad that didn’t look much older than two of his three TV sons).

Greene was so well known that during the early ’60s, RCA Records thought it would be a good idea to sign the actor to a record deal for the purpose of exploiting Bonanza and every fake square inch of the Ponderosa Ranch. After the release of a few silly long-players called Bonanza Ponderosa Party Time and Christmas on the Ponderosa, Greene and RCA struck gold with the 1964 album Welcome to the Ponderosa. The album would edge into the Top 40, thanks to a song called “Ringo.”

There’s nothing very spectacular about “Ringo.” The song is structured with a boom-chicka-boom rhythm one might hear on a Johnny Cash record. Greene provides a spoken-word vocal of the titular outlaw, who spares the life of a sheriff who had previously nursed him back to health, only to be turned into Swiss cheese by the sheriff’s posse. As Greene’s recitation grows more intense with the ascending chord changes, a group of baritone singers sporadically chant, “Rin-goooooo.”

The tune would peak at the top of the Hot 100 for one week in December 1964, causing plenty of bewilderment among followers of pop music, as well as a lot of suspicion among others that the similarity between the song’s title character and a certain mop-topped drummer had everything to do with its enormous success.

The fact is 1964 belonged to the Beatles. Therefore, it wouldn’t be completely out of line to suggest that a few shenanigans at the record stores could have helped push “Ringo” straight to the top of the charts. For example, let’s suppose Betty Lou is invited to Betty Sue’s birthday party and asks her mother to pick up something by the Beatles for a gift. Mom soon finds herself wandering aimlessly inside a record store and randomly picks up a record with “Ringo” printed on the cover. Since the store is short on actual Beatles merchandise, the cashier clams up and sells the poor woman something Betty Sue wouldn’t be caught dead with: a dreamy picture of Lorne Greene on an album cover. On the day of the party, humiliation ensues.

This alleged Beatles-related conspiracy is somewhat plausible, but there would have to be lots and lots of ill-fated birthday parties for “Ringo” to sell enough copies to achieve its climb to the top. And Lord knows, radio airplay couldn’t have caused any Beatles/Bonanza ambiguation. Simply put, “Ringo” was an anomaly in the history of the Hot 100.

Or was it?

In 1977, actor David Soul—who played the latter role on Starsky & Hutch—would score his own chart-topper with “Don’t Give Up on Us,” an accomplishment that would last for one week in April of that year. And this week was wedged in between the chart-topping success of two disco-drenched hits: ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” and Thelma Houston’s “Don’t Leave Me This Way.” So maybe—just maybe—the world stops every now and then to take note when an ephemeral TV star tries his hand at making records.