The Enigma Factor

“Otto, we are going to have to have that high speed circuit looked at. It’s been giving us some trouble. You know, dropped packets and lots of retransmissions. Before we crank up this project, I’d like to have it looked at. Any objections?” asked Quip, while completing a round of testing.

            “None at all. By all means, call it in and ask for Andrew to be assigned. We need a thorough person to review our telecommunications. He is the best.”

            Quip almost whined. “I was afraid you’d say that. Can’t we go with someone else for a change? He grates on me and you know how he talks.” He mimicked a very thick southern drawl.

            Otto stared expressionlessly at Quip until Quip acquiesced. “Alright, alright, I’ll put the call in, but have the tranquilizer dart gun charged up just in case I have to be calmed down again.”

            Jacob looked quizzically at Otto, Petra and then at Quip, searching for contextual clues as to what the issue was. After Quip left the room to contact Andrew, Otto provided a little history on the subject.

            “Andrew came over from Augusta, Georgia, in the late 1960’s as part of the U.S. military police group on a rotation to Europe. Andrew is a large lad, and by that I mean he has to stoop down and turn sideways to get through a standard doorway. I am told that he had to pull the webbing out of his helmet so he could actually fit it on his head.

            “The story is told that a large spool of insulated copper communications cable about 400 to 500 kilos rolled off the mezzanine floor of this building, down the stairs, and right through the plate glass doors heading towards some foreign dignitaries. It would have crushed them against their bomb and bullet proofed car if Andrew hadn’t jumped in front of it to slow it down and actually stopped it. The Swiss government was most grateful for his selfless act. Andrew was injured in the process and could not return to his former duties as a military police officer when he was discharged from the hospital a few months later.

            “Andrew asked to be trained in signals/communications based on his near-death experience with the large spool of cable. When his tour of duty was up, the Swiss found a telecom position for him to reinforce their gratitude. Andrew has worked on everything from Morse code teletype devices to the fiber optic dense wave division multiplexer commonly called DWDM communications used at the super collider facility in Cern. Andrew has worked on everything and anything that moves ones and zeroes from one location to another location. We also like him as he is very discreet when it comes to supporting our efforts here.”

            In the other room Quip was on the phone with Andrew. Quip swallowed hard trying to calm himself in preparation for the discussion.

            Quip asked, “Hello, Andrew. Do you have time to help me troubleshoot that last circuit we got from you guys? I’m seeing a lot of retransmits and dropped packets with regular activities. I have a big job coming up that will depend on fewer errors on that circuit.”

            Andy responded, “Well, if it ain’t the Quipster calling in with a problem. Howdy, young feller! I thawt we agreed yer supposed to call me Andy. What kind of favor do you need this time?”

            Quip tried to maintain an even tone but failed as he practically spit out, “I just told you I need you to look at the last circuit we had installed, Andy.”

            Andy harrumphed, “Oh, that’s right. I’m supposed to remember everyone’s circuit ID’s or be able to read their minds over the phone. How ‘bout let’s start with y’all giving me the circuit ID and then we’ll do some trouble-shooting on that bad boy.”

            “Just a minute. Let me go get the circuit ID off the wall jack.” Quip was annoyed with himself for not having the presence of mind to get it before the call.

            He returned quickly and relayed, “Okay, the circuit ID reads 457Alpha-Papa-Jack-Indigo-Golf-November-Tango-Zulu-9834578,” in a very deliberate manner to Andy.

            Quip then prepared for impact.

            “Okay, let me read this back to you, young feller. I have 457A as in Apple-P as Pig on the barbeque grill-J as in Jack Daniels-I as in don’t forget the Ice for the Jack Daniels-G as in Gator-N as in No-Tell-Motel-T as in Trailer Trash –Z as in cream filled Zingers-9834578. Is that right, young feller?”

            Quip was on the verge of a heart attack. Quip stuttered, “You know I hate it when you do that! Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! I just want to have the circuit looked at for the errors that are occurring. I need the circuit to run error free. Can you set up a twenty-four hour monitoring flag on this circuit so we can see what needs to be done?”

            Andy chuckled and lengthened his words to emphasize his drawl. “Well, I kin do that. But I can also come down there and put my T-bird on the circuit, and we can do some real analysis if you want, young feller. I always like visitin’ with all y’all. So I can make the time if ya want.”

            “Yeah, the last time you did that we spent most of the day listening to your good old day’s stories. If we can keep this short, how about this afternoon?”

            “You buying lunch? All that circuit reading activity makes me hungry. If memory serves, y’all feed your vendors pretty well. I do have a hankering for barbeque.”

Otto, standing behind Quip all this time, said over his shoulder, “Andy, this is Otto. We’d be honored to have you join us for lunch before we start the troubleshooting effort. It so happens that barbeque is on the menu for today, including all the sides.”

            Haddy insured that any menu requested could be accomplished in short order by the staff. Andy showed up in time to sit down for lunch. He claimed it was just like home. As the others sipped iced tea, Andy couldn’t help but relay yet another cable pulling story.

            “One time I got sent over to rig up a new telephone system on a customer’s premises. I ran into this real surly, uppity union cable crew manager. I was there to do the cross connects and needed a vertical cable run down the elevator shaft from the twelfth floor down to the fifth floor. They had this real heavy grade cable on a spool and I was going to help them, but this cable crew manager said to me, ‘we’ll handle it. You’re not Union so you can’t help. Just sit over there out of the way with your non-union helper.’ I said okay.

            “Me and my helper go sit down and wait for the show. They have to feed this heavy cable down the elevator shaft from twelfth floor and fish it out on the fifth floor, and we have to watch. Well, those good ‘ol boys get the cable unrolled from the spool and fed down the shaft seven stories. All that’s holding it in place is this huge staple through the cable into the big wooden spool. My helper started to suggest something helpful like ’Better secure the cable on this end before pulling the staple out,’ but I motioned to him to be quiet.

            “I motioned to my helper two more times ‘cause the uppity union cable manager wasn’t seeing what we knew was going to happen. Sure enough that manager,

with his clip board, ordered the staple to be pulled out. You could hear the cable go ’ZZZZZZZZing’ right down the elevator shaft all the way to the bottom. It sounded like they had hooked a big game Tuna fish with one of them big deep sea fishing rods.”

            Andy made the same ZZZZZZZZing sound again.

            “Naturally the union cable crew manager took it out on the crew once he got over the shock. It put us behind on the project which was okay since me and my helper laughed the rest of the afternoon saying ZZZZZZZZing! Har har!”

            Quip caught himself as he laughed at Andy’s story along with the rest of the team. The guy could tell a story.