The Enigma Always

Quip asked, “Are you there, old buddy?”

Jacob swallowed hard and said, “Just trying to get my headset on when you called. Everything in place? Can you double check with ICABOD to make sure we haven’t overlooked anything?”

Quip clucked his tongue and dryly said, “Excuse me, is this the analog processor questioning the digital processor? Not getting cold feet, are you? All the resources are lined up. Are YOU sure you can pull this off? We could have used the professionals for this operation, you know, so you could have stayed and done the huggy-bear/kissy-face thing with Petra but noooo. You have to put on your costume, climb aboard a shiny jet, and, like the hero in the afternoon movie matinee, holler let’s go High-Altitude-Silver, away!”

Jacob gave an impatient sigh and said, “I told you I had to do this for my state of mind. If I get killed, then you can have the last laugh, okay?”

Quip rolled his eyes and responded, “Yes, of course, secret agent Michaels, Jacob Michaels. Just so we are straight on this issue, don’t get killed. Deliver the package that is called for and extract Su Lin. The rest is in place. Get back on the plane and get out of Dodge with the goods. No gunfight this time, Wyatt!”

Jacob was silent for a few moments but then said, “Quip, I’m scared.”

Quip tried to rein in his compassion for Jacob but said, “Hey, everything will be okay! ICABOD has this planned out. Between you and me and our giant brains, or mine at least anyway, you’re going to be fine.”

Jacob quickly interjected, “No, that’s not what I’m scared of. It’s Petra. What if she doesn’t….I mean what if we can’t….Suppose that…”

Quip, half annoyed and half sympathetic, responded, “Oh, come on, reckie-pilot! You mapped out this current operation that has your tail feathers on the line, but you don’t have the kahonies to face Petra to put your lives back together! You obviously have your priorities bass-ackwards!”

Jacob chuckled slightly and said, “Then let me thank you from the heart of my bottom for your heartfelt sentiment.”

Quip relented somewhat as he said, “Okay, I admit it. You are someone I do admire and like having around. That doesn’t mean we are going steady, but I’m not ready to see you leave in a body bag. Is that too much sentiment for you to digest?”

Jacob was quiet for a few minutes, digesting everything that was going on, when Quip asked, “Are you sure all the code is in place on STINKIE to receive the remaining programs on Su Lin’s laptop? This has to work flawlessly to give Pekoni the HAIRCUT we are trying to deliver to his program.”

Jacob struggled with the temptation to ask what HAIRCUT stood for, but before he could overcome his internal argument, Quip boldly stated, “Holistic Algorithms with Intelligent Reconnaissance Calculated to Undermine his Triumph or HAIRCUT. I figured you secretly wanted to ask but were afraid to.”

Jacob rocked back into his seat with dismay at being trapped at 28,000 feet in an aluminum cylinder traveling at 350 knots an hour and forced to have a conversation with Quip. He wondered if he could manage to pull this operation off without Quip but quickly realized that would also mean no ICABOD as well. Seeing no alternative but to stay connected with Quip, he sarcastically replied, “Oh, I get it! It’s a joke! Guffaw! Guffaw! You are going to have to wait until I catch my breath and get up from the floor from laughing so hard.”

Almost immediately, Jacob added, “Okay, done. Now in answer to your question, yes, the foundational code is all in place. With what I am about to deliver to the bad doctor, the two programmed entities should be able to link up, at which point the abductor becomes the hostage. Has ICABOD archived everything off the two targets? There won’t be a whole lot left after I press the detonator, so I hope all is tucked away.”

Quip remarked, “Are you kidding me? We couldn’t take another petabyte of information if we had to! This guy’s idea of Big Data is everyone else’s idea of the history of the universe! I am going to have to rent some storage from Tuck just to sort through this mountain of data.”

Jacob sat and reflected on all the recent events and then soberly asked, “Quip, if anything happens to me, you will explain to everyone, right? I mean, let them know that we had this fully engineered and that ...”

Quip cut him off quickly. “Oh, knock it off, can’t you? Nothing is going to happen to you because we are the good guys, got it? As they say in Texas, this ain’t our first time at the rodeo, riding the wild bull! We have all the formidable resources of the R-Group vectored at the target who thinks we don’t know who he is! This has been carefully choreographed by ICABOD with input from us. Right now, just stay the course and play the bag man role until the trap is sprung. The only thing we didn’t plan for was providing an extra pair of underwear for you in the event that you decide to take a bio-health break in your britches at the peak of the action! Are we good?”

Jacob chuckled a little then agreed, “We are good. I just need to get there and give him the CASH.”

Quip puzzled a moment and then asked, “Cash? There is no cash in this transaction, and none was arranged for delivery. So unless you stopped by the ATM to withdraw several hundred grand of U.S. currency, you’re going in empty handed.”

Jacob now grinned as he responded, “CASH or Computer Application Shot at Hostile. I figured you secretly wanted to know, so I told you.”

Quip, somewhat indignant, retorted, “Hey, it’s only funny when I do that, so stop it!”