The trip home gave me plenty of time to think, something I hadn’t done in the last couple of days. My getaway was everything I needed it to be fun, sexy and relaxing while also settling my head and heart. Alonzo was a nice distraction from the disaster the weekend was turning into. The thought of him wanting to keep in touch warmed my heart, but I couldn’t continue something with him that wasn’t going anywhere. Even if it may have the potential to go somewhere I don’t think I am ready. Maybe I should start to think of my life in terms of a forever singleness, without men where would my life go. What will give me joy tomorrow? I need something that I have some control over, something that isn’t someone else’s husband or career.
I am happy that Alonzo gave me something to dream about, along with memories to masturbate to in my coming singleness. Maybe I will run into a few more Alonzo’s over time, someone I can have great sex with once and never see again. Constantly seeing and sexing a man can bring out feelings, we’re only human. Just because a man says he’s single doesn’t mean he is available and one thing for sure is I am truly done with the unavailable. I have to figure out what I am doing wrong, because apparently something isn’t right. There was no way that this was how God intended my life to be. Jerome was under the impression that I was graving a threesome more than he is that I wanted to spend my life being shared by many for little. Chris obviously saw something in me that he thought deserved what she got, leaving me on a whim with a lie not just to me but my family. Then there was Terrance who wanted to have both me and his wife exclusively. I'm not sure exactly what Dwayne thought, he wasn’t as disrespectful as the others outside of cheating on his wife. It’s like they all thought they were going to get a reality show on TLC with the black version of Sister Wives’.
At least that would give me a career another topic that has been coming up often; I don’t know what I should be doing with my life. No I don’t need the money but some mornings I wake and just do not want to go into the office. It almost feels like doing homework when your job should be so much more. It’s not that I don’t get some enjoyment out of it because we help some good people, it’s not something I love and shouldn’t I.
Coming out of my thoughts I pay the cab driver before climbing out of the cab. As usual Mrs. Peterson is out watching another neighbor’s grandson rack her leaves, “Hi Mya.”
“Hi Mrs. Peterson, hello Tommy,” he waves not looking up from his task.
“Did you enjoy your time away?”
“I did,” I smile at her, “just a really long trip.”
“Glad you made it home safe.”
“Thanks Mrs. Peterson, see you guys later,” I enter my house ready for a hot shower and some sheets.
Closing the door I notice a light on in my kitchen. It isn’t the ceiling light but the one over the stove which is peculiar not being much of a cook. Walking towards my kitchen a chill runs down my spine then I freeze when I first see a gun pointed at me and then a much unexpected visitor sitting at the kitchen island under the dim lighting.
When I met him I didn’t know that he was married, now I think he is what started this charade I call my life. There was no ring on his finger not even a tan line where a ring should be. He approached me on the side walk outside The Coliseum nightclub. He wasn’t too tall five eleven maybe but his presence demanded attention. Dark skin, actually black the blackest man I have ever seen, but it was also the smoothest skin I had ever seen. He was very well dressed; I could tell he had his clothes tailored to fit. In a charcoal colored suit, crisp white shirt, no tie, shirt hanging out and one hand in his pocket he approached me, confident.
“Hello I'm Terrance,” he said with way too much confidence now that I think about it, taking my hand kissing it.
“Mya,” I answered only slightly impressed.
“Are you leaving?”
“Really, because I just got here and I would like nothing more than for you to keep me company.”
The constant smirk he held on his face made it sound like it was more of a suggestion than a question of asking me to stay, there is a big difference.
“I'm sorry, I rode with my friend and we are prepared to leave now. Maybe I will see you next time.” At this point Gayla is approaching and Terrance seems a little stuck. Like not too many females tell him no.
“I could take you home,” he offered putting a hand over his hard chest.
“No I don’t know you,” I say with a little attitude. “I may not want you to know where I live.” Even though I have talked to many of women husbands I wasn’t always that way. I did at some point believe that a man should court me and not just expect me to give myself to him.
He laughed like he couldn’t believe me, Gayla had at this point walked past us continuing to the car to let us talk I assume but I was really just not interested in the conversation.
Turning to leave he grabbed my arm almost forcefully but immediately lighted up.
“Okay, just let me take you out then, maybe dinner?”
Okay now maybe he gets it I think as against my better judgment I give him my number. I didn’t much think of him in the weeks it took him to call. There wasn’t an immediate attraction with him, don’t get me wrong the man was sexy as hell but his attitude killed it. Whatever lust I may have been looking at him with before he came to me evaporated when he opened his mouth. Little did I know that in the months after my impression of the man would change drastically.
Terrance was a true gentleman from his first phone call. He opened all doors, removed his hat when we entered a building and never put his hands were they didn’t belong. Not only did we have more than that one dinner, we had movies, miniature golf, we even rode out to Six Flags for a day. We drove to Eureka another time to go skiing at Hidden Valley. We did everything race car driving, bowling even horseback riding.
Every weekend we went out each day with him bringing me home never asking to come in. After two months, several dates and so many phone conversations I started to wonder why he wasn’t hinting at sex. So one evening over dinner I asked.
“Your different from most women I have met Mya. Most girls would have given it to me that first night I met you. They would have stayed, drunk my money then let me take them home inviting me in. I could tell from the start that you were different so I have been trying to handle you differently. Besides when you’re ready to give it to me I am sure you will.”
And there it is his arrogance was back only this time it doesn’t turn me off, it actually turns me on the way he gave his answer so honestly while looking me straight in the eye.
Back at my place I was happy to see he was very well endowed and knew how to work everything, both mine and his.
Then things changed quickly. The next night I didn’t hear from him. It was odd but at the same time I was fine with it, in the last few months we had spent so much time together I wasn’t going to be too upset for one night of missing. He wasn’t missing a big event or anything so no big deal. That next night he didn’t call but he did show up at my door with a beautiful bouquet of star gazers. I was surprised and happy to see him, didn’t even realize how much I missed him till I saw him standing there. As handsome as the last time I saw him and all I wanted to do was fuck him. And so I did.
I guided him upstairs and onto my bed. He was already hard and I was already wet just from massaging him. Condom in place I climb on top of him, ride him hard with him holding on. It didn’t take long before either of us reached climax.
“So you missed me,” he asked sounding slightly surprised.
I smile down at him, “I did.”
Neither of us said anything for a while, catching our breaths.
“I have to tell you something and I want you to keep an open mind.”
“Yesterday I was at the hospital,” of course my reaction was panic. I sprang up at the word hospital, worried taking him in, looking for a physical sign of why he was at the hospital.”
“No nothing like that,” he says calming me. “My wife had a baby.”
‘My wife had a baby’ echoes in my head only it doesn’t register. As the echoes go on its hard for me to actually make out what he said he really could have at that moment said it in another language because my understanding was shot. They made no sense altogether, my wife, a baby. Hell they didn’t make that much since apart either. None of the words should be used with the pronoun my, a word of possession.
“What,” I finally ask looking at him as if he had grown two extra heads. My naked became a problem, the sex leaving me feeling raped because I don’t know this man.
“I know but I can explain.”
“EXPLAIN!” How the hell does one explain a wife and baby now after months of dating and fucking?
Off the bed I started gathering his clothes throwing them at him, yelling for him to get out.
“We’re in the process of a divorce,” he yells through all the turmoil.
“Don’t you dare stand there and lie to me. How is a woman your divorcing having your baby?”
“If you would please calm down I can explain,” as mad as I was I wanted to know the details. I wanted to make sure I was making the right decision to not see him anymore. I needed to know if we had a chance at any type of future. So I sat and listened.
They had tried working out their problems, things they were fighting over. They saw a couple’s therapist twice a week. Of course they were having sex he said they were still married. But they knew the relationship wouldn’t work no matter how good the sex was. There were just too many things the therapist couldn’t help them with; her cheating from a result of his long work hours is what he said. There was just too much bad blood between them he said, but during the course of it all she ended up pregnant. She didn’t want to be a single mother so he put off the divorce to give her peace of mind through the pregnancy.
Then he met me and didn’t know how to tell me that technically he was still married. They talked and decided the dissolution of the marriage was for the best. He told her he would do his best to never make her feel like she was a single mother; he had no interest in being a deadbeat. The papers had been drawn up and he was just waiting on her to sign he told me.
For months I never saw anything that hinted at him having a wife. He stayed plenty of nights at my home. We walked the streets of this city hand and hand going to dinners. So I was inclined to believe him and I did.
Things did change after I accepted his truth, he spent fewer nights with me for time with his new son and I was okay with that. He also started adorning me with more materialistic gifts and I didn’t pay attention to what that may have actually meant. I just accepted them graciously. He started leaving money saying to treat myself at the mall, nail spa or lunch with friends on him. Needless to say I became comfortable with him. It really didn’t matter that I didn’t need the money, it only mattered that he wanted to help.
I got so comfortable that I never thought about asking him about the progress of his divorce. I never asked him where he stayed with his son on the nights that he had him, or where he lived period. Questions that should have been asked to settle any confusion for either of us.
While I was under the impression that he was getting a divorce and having a relationship with no one but me, he was thinking I accepted things as they were. Until the day came and he asked for a key to my house.
“Will you be giving me a key to your place,” I could only take the pretending so far. I loved his company and the things he thought he had to do to keep me happy. I loved the fact that he wanted to be there for his son, but my parents did not raise a damn fool, no matter how I act.
He laughed like I was a silly little girl, “Now we know that’s not possible, what would my wife say.”
“The wife you’re divorcing? Why would she care?”
“Oh I should have told you we are not divorcing.” I don’t respond because again I am sure I have heard wrong. “She doesn’t mind me having you, so long as she doesn’t have to be a single mother.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh, a nervous laugh lacking joy because these people have lost their mind, “And did anyone think to ask what I may want. I am I the only one who doesn’t get a vote in the house of triangles? You know what don’t bother answering that.” At some point his perception of me being different from other women changed, so I had to change it back.
“Terrance not only do you not get a key, I'm gone need you to leave my house, now please.”
“I understand you need some time to get use to the idea,” he says all too calmly grabbing his things. Kissing my forehead he says, “I will see you tomorrow,” the goes out the door.
Is this man not listening, but whatever gets you out, and yes he came by the next day like nothing was wrong but I didn’t answer, he called me every day after that for weeks, when I didn’t answered he started coming by unannounced all hours of the day. He left just as many handwritten notes on my door as he did on my voicemail and through my text messages. They all pretty much said the same thing, when can he see me, why haven’t I returned his calls or did I need anything. Then they changed to he was tired of my behavior, I better get it together and I will be needing help with my bills soon, which made me laugh with real joy.
When they turned threatening I contacted the police and I haven’t heard a peep from him until that night on the boat.
Some of his messages scared me and I remembered that first night we met and the way he grabbed my arm. It made me wonder how he treated his wife, who he obviously had no intention of leaving. Did he abuse her, did he make her agree to that life with an unhidden mistress.
Terrance was the first of a few; he reprogrammed my brain just not the way he may have wanted. I looked at men differently; I realized they were not all faithful loving men like my daddy. I wanted to believe but then I noticed that most of the men who approached me weren’t available. They were living with ex-girlfriends, not having sex they would say, just had a baby with a woman a year ago and they don’t know where the relationship is going right now, ‘but I'm free to date.’
So I started dating them all I asked was that they tell me the truth.
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