The weight loss journey is still a struggle,
I still think of the days I used to vomit my food back up.
Letting it come up from my stomach to my esophagus,
Into the toilet water like it was waiting for my food.
Hunched over the toilet in my bedroom,
Knowing what I’m about to do is wrong.
Reflections of what I once did and how much it ruined me,
At that time, I was looking for a way out of the madness.
I no longer wanted to be fat, the girl with the rolls on her body,
I knew what I could’ve done but it was easier to lean over a toilet.
Mentally your mind tells you to do it the easier way,
My heart was telling me to change my diet and hit the gym.
There was a war going on inside of my mind daily,
The struggles to become a better woman for myself was so hard.
Mentally it’s hard to be strong but I’m getting there,
Trying not to become a statistic of being an unhealthy human being.
I’m not going to stay an unhealthy woman,
Because men struggle with this too, it’s just not accepted in society.
There’s no way a man can struggle with body image and being big,
Somewhere in this world, a young adolescent is doing what I once did.
My modeling pictures look great and it feels good,
It’s just a struggle to find an agency who will take me.
These days, you have to have a certain look that people are looking for,
A certain smile, length of hair, a certain curvaceous figure that’s intriguing to others.
The media is finally coming around to having curvy, bigger women as models,
But there’s still people who always have an opinion about bigger women.
In a world where we are constantly judged by our actions,
We as women can’t shake the societal pressures of just being us.
If we are bigger, we are considered fat, ugly and should lose weight,
If we are smaller, we are anorexic, bulimic and need to eat more.
If we wear makeup, we are hiding our true beauty within our faces,
If we don’t wear makeup, we need to put some on to enhance our beauty.
Magazines and photoshoots are full of makeup, hair being done,
Along with photoshopping of our body parts to look more appealing.
Corporate America only accepts us as women if we are beneficial to them,
If they can make a dollar from us and we are profitable, we can be on the forefront.
Seems like there’s a world full of misogynistic men who have something to say,
And women who degrade and put each other down to make themselves look better.
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