Do I love her? Of course, I do. (Happy, Dear?) Do I want to be with her, live with her, marry her? Sometimes. Usually, not. In most timelines, we do not have that kind of relationship.
Clara tells me that, in all the versions in which we "miss" connecting deeply, our failure to become intimate is due to my reluctance/recalcitrance. Also, my refusal to admit my actual feelings and stubborn resistance to her charms. She also condemns my apparent inclination (and successes, I remind her) to be with women I can dominate, am a lot older than, work less hard with, rather than be with a peer, a challenging partner like her. She makes even more critical comments I won't repeat here, depending on her mood.
However, Mick tells me that, in some Re-Sets, when Clara and I are together, one of us dies a lot younger than in this version, or she is not even the CC, or other things go awry. Not that our relationship is the cause of those changes. It is somehow hinged to them, though.
I love her and she irritates me. I like and enjoy her and I have to get away to be alone.
I am an artist, a writer, a meditator, often a hermit, I tell her often.
So is she, she tells me—all of those things.
"Well, not an artist, but a musician. Same thing," she says.
"Not really," I say. "You are definitely more of an extrovert than I."
"Only when I have to be," she claims.
"Proves my point," I state.
"You love to dance" she cues me. "You need others to dance with."
"I don't do partner dancing," I point out.
"You are my partner," she responds.
Off we go.
That's our dance, apparently. On, off. In, out. With, without. Yes, no.
To be fair, I think it's more my dance than Clara's. She is steady in her love, dedication, commitment, belief, faith. I do not know anyone with more perseverance, patience, hope.... She has unshakable confidence in what she calls "the rightness of us," unwavering love for me and steadfast faith in this version of our life.
In most versions, we are not together; in one I am aware of, I barely see her after she becomes the Chief Communicator. Clara says pieces of some of those 'lines appear in her books, so I won't go on.
Before I write this, I read the letter she writes me (which she puts later in this book) and my heart aches. The loneliness, the sadness, the grief she experiences make me weep for her. If I ever miss her as much as she misses me, I believe I would just stop breathing.
I don't know how she carries all of these versions in her psyche. Whenever I timult, I have to make myself deliberately suppress alternative timelines, forget as much as I can about them, or it's overwhelming. I know this: in the versions in which we're not together, I don't think of being with her at all.
I try to be here, in this moment, whatever it is.
I can't say, exactly, how we get here. Too many ways. Maybe she drags me in, maybe I come willingly. Could be a trick, a seduction, a persuasion. Perhaps, fate just bops me upside the head and carries me over.
I am here. With her.
Clara comes over and reads what I'm writing. She looks at me with tears in her eyes, then pulls me over for a deep, long kiss. And, more. It is her birthday, after all.
A while later, I return to finish this.
I am passionately in love, glad and grateful to be with Dr. Clara Branon, Ph.D., Chief Communicator of Earth for the Many Worlds Collective since 2013. We are having this amazing, unique adventure for the twenty-seven years we now have and however many more we get.
Despite what others might think, our marriage is mostly harmonious, delightful, interesting, sweet and wonderful. Or, it's not happening at all, but I won't know that, will I?
Clara is correct about this. We are right together.
Happy Birthday, My Love.
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